time and tide*

*with apologies to basia.

- - -

i was talking to my best friend early this week, and she pointed out to me one thing: that i, in all likelihood, belong to the 0.5% of the strongest women in the world.  i blinked at that. no, i can't be strong. i just go with the flow, realizing that my existence in this world has a purpose. and for now, that purpose can be summed up in one word: provider.

at the back of my mind, i know that to an average, ordinary, normal person, what i do is big... gargantuan, enormous, even ginormous.  oh yes, it's not easy.  but i have never dwelled on the problems i face day to day. if i would, i'd go insane. so i just let the tides wash me away... day in, day out.  i am blessed that i enjoy the work that i do.  without that, my life would be just one big pretentious show, and my misery would be palpable.

two weeks ago i took the first real semi-long, way overdue vacation i've had since 2007.  it was a trip of self-discovery, of old realizations that otherwise i would have kept at the back burner, to be renewed when yet another opportunity for a respite would show up.  and in the romantic sense, yes, it was a trip of affirmation.

i will not mince words nor pretend.  since the time i was reviewing for my philippine bar, i've been planning to take the new york bar just for the heck of it.  i've always wanted to try working elsewhere, just to prove to myself that if the probinsyana-that-is-i made it here, "i can make it anywhere."  and deep in my heart, i know i just want to be somewhere else with someone right now, just to know that i really, really tried.

life is never easy.  the constant challenge to live that purposeful life and pursue genuine happiness gnaws at me...  

does the buck stop here?  after the boss finishes his term, will i be content going back down to where i really belong?  will i be happy doing something i've been doing really well for the past 11 years, i didn't even blink when i got back after my break?  no one can ever really answer these questions for me. even the Universe cannot, or even if it could, it won't.  such is the beauty and madness of discovery.  everything gets settled in time.  it is up to me to decide.

at the end of the day, and i don't even want to start counting how many more days are left, i just don't want to be lonely.

there. that's the crux of it.  i may love what i do now; i may bask in the smell of power and influence and the excitement that living and breathing politics does to me; i may be able to provide my household with what they need (and sometimes just want) and i have some left for my own... but really, the emptiness of semi-success is something that shouldn't be bothering me at 33, right?

it gets tiring, too.  i am exhausted.  i have been fighting battles left and right, and i almost always win.  they seemed like real victories before, but now they appear to me to just be pyrrhic victories which may, might, lead to my eventual downfall or breakdown. God forbid.

for once in my life, i am genuinely lost and i don't mind.  i am not in a hurry... because things like these have repercussions when pursued with haste.  i will take my time, but not too much.  i think i'm good with deadlines, and if someone holds that deadline with me, maybe, just maybe, i might take this chance and leap.  

so yet again i am at a crossroads.  i hope this time, i do things right. 

Universe, conspire with me.  

i am done with just waiting for time to pass me by, and for the tides to carry me away.