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Tuesday, April 27, 2010
BENCHMARKed
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
6 months
it's been 6 months without Mom. 6 months and 2 days, to be exact. but if i count the days she was fighting for her life in the hospital, that's 6 months and 4 days.
i will always remember the last kiss i gave her on her cheek at around 230am of 17 october 2009. she woke me up for my flight to tacloban, because i was going to attend the AnWaray TAGAY event and a board meeting. she was feverish and not feeling well due to the events of the previous night, but when i asked her if she wanted me to just stay home, she told me to go ahead and just be home as scheduled on monday night. besides, she could rest since rauf was spending the weekend with his dad. i blessed her hand and told her i loved her, and she answered: "bye. take care. i love you." she always said that every time one of her children would leave the house. and i never imagined those would be the last words she would say to me.
an hour after we landed in tacloban, i got an urgent text from my sister, dwan, to call her and that mommy was unconscious in the hospital. i was shaking as i tried to get her or niccolo on the phone, but they weren't picking up. little did i know that they were already raising hell at the emergency room at that same time.
i am extremely grateful that east and my An Waray family were around while i was waiting in limbo at hotel alejandro. i got arlene and mich on the phone, and they rushed to the hospital without me having to ask. boss bem and boss neil assured me they would get us out of tacloban on the earliest possible flight, and senia moved heaven and earth to get us on the last flight out.
and then the call came. dwan and kaye were crying. mom had suffered from a ruptured brain aneurysm, and the damage was so big, operating would be futile. my mom was in a coma, just five to six hours after i had last talked to her alive.
arlene called with the reality check. she told me that the hemorrhage was so large, i had to prepare myself for the worst. (that's what best friends are for: to hold your hand and be a shoulder to cry on, but not to give you false hopes.)
i was numb. i wanted to cry but no tears came. i was sobbing and screaming, but there were no tears. i was shaking all over, but there were no tears. i was praying so hard that Mom would still wake up. my beautiful, makulit, noisy, talkative Mommy couldn't be in a coma. no way, jose... she would wake up. i was sure she would.
for the first time in the history of An Waray, we all stood up at the start of the meeting and offered up a prayer for Mom's recovery. i couldn't focus on anything, but since i was there anyway, i just sat there, tinkering with my cell, wishing for any news from manila. of course, no good news came. so much for wishful thinking. dwan was texting me about moving mom to a private room or the ICU. i told her she was in-charge until i'd get there.
on our flight back, east was holding my hand and just telling me to be strong. and to hold on to hope. we were praying for Mom, for me & my siblings... and still i didn't cry.
arlene, mich, spocky & drei fetched us from the airport, and they were all trying their damnedest to cheer me up on the drive to qc. i had some peppermint peckers left from mark & rollyn's singapore pasalubong, and we used that as props to cheer me up. imagine arlene and spocky sucking on peppermint peckers... you get my drift.
knowing the nkti like the back of my hand from previous hospitalizations of dwan, nikko & brikko, i half-ran to mommy's room as soon as we got to the driveway. the corridor was overflowing with family and friends, and their looks of sorrow and pity started to unravel the tears that refused to flow earlier. when i got to the door, i saw my mommy, unconscious and with lots of tubes attached to her thin, sexy body, and that is when i screamed and cried.
(i learned, later on, that my screams reached the end of the hallway. and that they had thought that Mom had passed on. yes, it was that loud, even considering that dwan was controlling herself so we wouldn't be tandem-crying...)
i will never forget how dwan, tita nyms and tita yeye were holding me with animal strength, and how strong i was fighting back... only because i wanted to hold mom and awaken her back to consciousness. the woman with the tube on her mouth wasn't my Mommy. it couldn't be.
when i had gathered my bearings, i was told that we would be moving Mom to the ICU. we walked with her... and never left her for more than a few hours.
because of the ICU visitor rules, my siblings and i took turns visiting her at the start. later on, the doctors and nurses allowed all of us to go together. i was firm: she has 7 children, all 7 of us have to visit her every time we can, while we still could.
those ICU visits kept us afloat, and made us stronger as siblings. we would pray, and then we would take turns talking to mom, telling her what was happening to us, promising her things that we would do, just so she would wake up.
after 24hours of that, we opted for the realistic approach. we would pray, then we would each tell her what we wanted to do with our lives, and that we were each sorry for (insert appropriate quarrel/fight with her) and that we would not do it again.
on what would be her children's last quiet visit to her, we all prayed and then thanked her individually for bringing us up as she did. we talked to her one by one, and whispered anything we wanted to say to her, without having to worry that the others would hear. i just promised her one thing: that i would take care of rauf and my brothers and sister. and that we would do her proud.
Mommy's leaving, just as visiting hours were about to end on the night of 19 October 2009, was perfect.
all her best friends were there, most of our family was there. and each of us her children, except for the youngest, had at least one friend around. she left with flair, flamboyance, and, yes, comedy. i'd like to think she had asked God to time it when we wouldn't be alone.
6 months hence, and yes, we have never been alone. we all have each other... me, with rauf, dwan, nikko, bullet, lian, brikko and seal, we're all doing okay. we miss her, we have moments of loneliness, we still try to do things as we know she would... but we're okay. i think we're more than coping.
6 months hence, and dwan is doing well at work. nikko and bullet are finally full-fledged members of UP Mountaineers. bullet is graduating from college on friday (yesssss, ma, finally!!!). lian is fixing his papers and going back to school. brikko did well this sem, except for one stupid subject which i hope he won't fail again. and seal is growing up, still fighting to be his own man in the midst of 4 big brothers. and he adores rauf. they all do.
as for rauf, on the dawn that he turned two, i was lulling him to sleep when he cocked his head towards a blank part of the wall, and said "mama" three times. then he gave three flying-kisses while saying "au revoir" i bet all the saints that Mommy couldn't resist not greeting her beloved apo on his birthday.
6 months without Mommy. we miss her every single day. but really, i think she would be proud of how we're living our lives now. so far, so good, Mommy.
so far, so good.
i will always remember the last kiss i gave her on her cheek at around 230am of 17 october 2009. she woke me up for my flight to tacloban, because i was going to attend the AnWaray TAGAY event and a board meeting. she was feverish and not feeling well due to the events of the previous night, but when i asked her if she wanted me to just stay home, she told me to go ahead and just be home as scheduled on monday night. besides, she could rest since rauf was spending the weekend with his dad. i blessed her hand and told her i loved her, and she answered: "bye. take care. i love you." she always said that every time one of her children would leave the house. and i never imagined those would be the last words she would say to me.
an hour after we landed in tacloban, i got an urgent text from my sister, dwan, to call her and that mommy was unconscious in the hospital. i was shaking as i tried to get her or niccolo on the phone, but they weren't picking up. little did i know that they were already raising hell at the emergency room at that same time.
i am extremely grateful that east and my An Waray family were around while i was waiting in limbo at hotel alejandro. i got arlene and mich on the phone, and they rushed to the hospital without me having to ask. boss bem and boss neil assured me they would get us out of tacloban on the earliest possible flight, and senia moved heaven and earth to get us on the last flight out.
and then the call came. dwan and kaye were crying. mom had suffered from a ruptured brain aneurysm, and the damage was so big, operating would be futile. my mom was in a coma, just five to six hours after i had last talked to her alive.
arlene called with the reality check. she told me that the hemorrhage was so large, i had to prepare myself for the worst. (that's what best friends are for: to hold your hand and be a shoulder to cry on, but not to give you false hopes.)
i was numb. i wanted to cry but no tears came. i was sobbing and screaming, but there were no tears. i was shaking all over, but there were no tears. i was praying so hard that Mom would still wake up. my beautiful, makulit, noisy, talkative Mommy couldn't be in a coma. no way, jose... she would wake up. i was sure she would.
for the first time in the history of An Waray, we all stood up at the start of the meeting and offered up a prayer for Mom's recovery. i couldn't focus on anything, but since i was there anyway, i just sat there, tinkering with my cell, wishing for any news from manila. of course, no good news came. so much for wishful thinking. dwan was texting me about moving mom to a private room or the ICU. i told her she was in-charge until i'd get there.
on our flight back, east was holding my hand and just telling me to be strong. and to hold on to hope. we were praying for Mom, for me & my siblings... and still i didn't cry.
arlene, mich, spocky & drei fetched us from the airport, and they were all trying their damnedest to cheer me up on the drive to qc. i had some peppermint peckers left from mark & rollyn's singapore pasalubong, and we used that as props to cheer me up. imagine arlene and spocky sucking on peppermint peckers... you get my drift.
knowing the nkti like the back of my hand from previous hospitalizations of dwan, nikko & brikko, i half-ran to mommy's room as soon as we got to the driveway. the corridor was overflowing with family and friends, and their looks of sorrow and pity started to unravel the tears that refused to flow earlier. when i got to the door, i saw my mommy, unconscious and with lots of tubes attached to her thin, sexy body, and that is when i screamed and cried.
(i learned, later on, that my screams reached the end of the hallway. and that they had thought that Mom had passed on. yes, it was that loud, even considering that dwan was controlling herself so we wouldn't be tandem-crying...)
i will never forget how dwan, tita nyms and tita yeye were holding me with animal strength, and how strong i was fighting back... only because i wanted to hold mom and awaken her back to consciousness. the woman with the tube on her mouth wasn't my Mommy. it couldn't be.
when i had gathered my bearings, i was told that we would be moving Mom to the ICU. we walked with her... and never left her for more than a few hours.
because of the ICU visitor rules, my siblings and i took turns visiting her at the start. later on, the doctors and nurses allowed all of us to go together. i was firm: she has 7 children, all 7 of us have to visit her every time we can, while we still could.
those ICU visits kept us afloat, and made us stronger as siblings. we would pray, and then we would take turns talking to mom, telling her what was happening to us, promising her things that we would do, just so she would wake up.
after 24hours of that, we opted for the realistic approach. we would pray, then we would each tell her what we wanted to do with our lives, and that we were each sorry for (insert appropriate quarrel/fight with her) and that we would not do it again.
on what would be her children's last quiet visit to her, we all prayed and then thanked her individually for bringing us up as she did. we talked to her one by one, and whispered anything we wanted to say to her, without having to worry that the others would hear. i just promised her one thing: that i would take care of rauf and my brothers and sister. and that we would do her proud.
Mommy's leaving, just as visiting hours were about to end on the night of 19 October 2009, was perfect.
all her best friends were there, most of our family was there. and each of us her children, except for the youngest, had at least one friend around. she left with flair, flamboyance, and, yes, comedy. i'd like to think she had asked God to time it when we wouldn't be alone.
6 months hence, and yes, we have never been alone. we all have each other... me, with rauf, dwan, nikko, bullet, lian, brikko and seal, we're all doing okay. we miss her, we have moments of loneliness, we still try to do things as we know she would... but we're okay. i think we're more than coping.
6 months hence, and dwan is doing well at work. nikko and bullet are finally full-fledged members of UP Mountaineers. bullet is graduating from college on friday (yesssss, ma, finally!!!). lian is fixing his papers and going back to school. brikko did well this sem, except for one stupid subject which i hope he won't fail again. and seal is growing up, still fighting to be his own man in the midst of 4 big brothers. and he adores rauf. they all do.
as for rauf, on the dawn that he turned two, i was lulling him to sleep when he cocked his head towards a blank part of the wall, and said "mama" three times. then he gave three flying-kisses while saying "au revoir" i bet all the saints that Mommy couldn't resist not greeting her beloved apo on his birthday.
6 months without Mommy. we miss her every single day. but really, i think she would be proud of how we're living our lives now. so far, so good, Mommy.
so far, so good.
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