escape

if only i could, i would escape far, far away... for weeks, for months.

i don't want to be dragged into a battle that is not mine to fight.

but of course, i can't leave rauf behind.  never.  ever.  never.

in three weeks, i will be leaving the country.  to think, to relax, to have fun, and hopefully, to find more of myself and the me that is slowly fading into nothingness.

before i leave, everything has to be in order for rauf. 

and the battle, i hope, will be resolved by then.

if only things were that easy.

if only...

sigh.

curse

it is hard to be the eldest in a big family.  i can feel the weight on my shoulders, and for once, i want out. 

being firstborn is a curse this time around.  the blessings elude me.  no matter how much you remind me, i'd rather forget. for now.

can i tender my resignation effective this very second?

to be selfish. to be free.

kismet

because there are times when you just cannot understand every nook, cranny and corner of the deepest recesses of your mind, you dive to stay afloat.

and maybe, just maybe, the floating will not turn to flailing, and you will learn how to swim and ride the waves.

Fate has a funny way of playing games. 

to be the player is such a comfort, to be played is such a novelty.

let the game begin.

sleeptalk

i do it sometimes. My brothers do it often. Worse, when one of my brothers is talking in his sleep, you can talk to him and he'll answer right back... while he stays asleep.

So imagine my surprise when i heard rauf, at the ripe old age of 17mos & 8 days, talking & laughing in his sleep just a few minutes ago.

Maybe he was dreaming that he was playing with me & his yaya, because he kept calling out our names ('ate/ati/achi' = me, because that's what everyone at home calls me, and 'yani/achiya' = his new yaya ate lanie).

It was funny. And weird. And i have to do research on this, because isn't he too young to be talking in his sleep, no matter how happy he sounded?

:)

september bar blues

my lawyer-dad, a proud true-blue aquilan & atenean, would always tell me while i was growing up: when you go to law school, you have to join a sorority.  you will not survive law school and the bar without joining one.

most of you know that the rebel in me prevailed:  i went to law school on my own terms (my finances could only support a UP Law education and nothing else) and at my own time.  and i never joined a sorority.

but the lessons from dad stayed.  although i realized i could survive law school even if i chose the 'barbarian' life (yessireee, those who opt not to join the greek-lettered-associations are the barbarians. go figure.), i wanted to be sure i wouldn't be clueless when it came to my bar so as early as my freshman year, i volunteered for barops.  and i have been doing it since, walang absent, walang na-miss na taon.

for those not in the know, barops is the shortened term for bar operations.  general barops is making sure that the examinee has everything s/he needs, and trying your bestest to provide all the last-minute tips available. 

barops as i usually do it covers the whole milieu of a bar examinee's needs from the time he manifests his intent to take the bar, to the last bar sunday.  from the academic requirements (requesting for the university transcript), to the materials (photocopying reviewers, tips, pre-week reviewers of other law schools from previous years, borrowing books, etc.), to the basic (driving to/from the hotel, driving to/from the exam venue, special food requests, bar exam lunch baon, phone-in calls from loved ones, etc.) needs and wants of man... the bar examinee just needs to tell me, and i will try my damnedest to deliver.  this type of barops, though, i only do for really close friends and relatives and classmates who have been left behind. 

the funniest barops i had was when i was the head of the evening barops, and one of our examinees called the headquarters, specifically requesting to talk to me.
him: uhm, apryll, big favor naman. pabili sana.
me: yep? ano kelangan? bakit di nyo sinabi sa kids?
him: eh kasi, nakakahiya...
me: ano? condom? (though i was doubtful. they were 3 guys in a room. but then again...)
him: ikaw talaga, gaga. hindi, nakakahiya talaga...
me: e ano nga... iuutos ko yan, don't worry, di ako bibili...
him:  uhm.  wala kaming dalang toothbrush eh.  2 kami.  ayaw namin yung sa hotel.
me: susme, yun lang pala. ok ok. coming right up. haha. anong brand?
........ (details of the purchase)
him: thank you! thank you talaga!
(nakakahiya ba talagang magpabili ng toothbrush sa iba?)

this year is turning out to be quite a challenge.  i have two very close friends taking it, and i'm doing the personal thing: as in the works.  and for the first time EVER in my whole barops career, i had to drive around malate on a friday night looking for a videoke spot because, yes, my examinees wanted to sing their hearts out.  after videoke, we had to drive waaaay up north, and ended up being bumped by a 16-wheeler truck from behind. (crazy stuff, i swear.) and on saturday night, one of my friends was running a fever. (first time ko din 'to.)  and on lunch break in between the exams last sunday, one of my alagas didn't go out and meet me at the designated spot.  (wala syang baon kasi ayaw nya magdala.)

what a way to celebrate my 10th year of barops duties, eh?

but i will persevere... i survived barops for my girlfriends who took it all together in 2004, which was not without its own comedies and tragedies. and yes, they survived mine.

this is my personal annual mission:  to do barops for the privileged ones i call friends and/or family, and to provide as many materials as i can for An Waray barops, which is my pet project in the party. (yes, if you have been the recipient of any bar materials from An Waray in the past years, you can thank me & Cong. Bem properly if you want to. haha. kidding.)

every year, without fail, you will see me trekking to sheraton and taft for barops.  and no one can question the high i feel during every salubong, when i heave a sigh of relief and think, "next year uli."

so to wryl and thad and minnie and japs and jay and garet and sheryl and gemma and crislyn and all the other names listed on the An Waray official barops list:  use us and abuse us now for all i care.  but just go and do your friggin' best in the bar.  because trust me, you don't want to go through that whole sh*t ever again. 

at para sa inyong lahat, 2009 bar examinees, "may you never pass this way again."

cheers!

of forging ties and cutting strings

the dating game has always been a game to me.  it could be a game of cat and mouse, with the lines blurred as to who is the predator and the prey, with the roles eventually ending up with, fortunately or unfortunately, me as the cat.  most of the time, it's a good old game of patintero, with the taunting and the teasing and the running around, until you catch the one who's "it" off-guard, and run home free to enter the premises with cunning, possibly charm, and a whole lot of strategy, and claim your own homebase.


i am trying to be a mute witness to the numerous games going on around me at the moment, and despite my perceived "silence" and "acquiescence", for the first time in history, i have chosen the safe ground: caution.  because when things don't go as we have hoped for, the heartaches we may unintentionally cause could bring about a dearth of unexpected consequences, foremost among which would be guilt.  but we are all mature adults (i hope) and we all know what we have chosen to get ourselves into (i hope, again and again), and at the end, it is that hope that matters... that whatever happens, it is the beauty and madness of finding excitement and thrill in the dating game, and the possibility of love and/or friendship that may result.


when we date, we hope.  if not for love and companionship, then even for just a taste of it.  or we find yet another friend who will understand us.  (trust me, no one can have too many friends.  it is sifting through these friends to find the authentic from the fake that becomes a challenge later on.)  the stronger of us will move on after a bad date, or a break-up, or a separation.  the weak, well, they eventually do catch up, although it may take them longer to heal.


but when things don't go well, it is hard to put up pretenses of being "okay" and "fine" and just go through the motions of daily living.  because when we date, there are rules and regulations of the game.  i haven't experienced the western style of dating, so i wouldn't know if they are the same as the unwritten rules over here.  (is there such a thing as the universal rules of dating? or should we all just go with the flow?)  but i, for one, even if i haven't been on the dating circuit for such a long time, know this:  communication is key.  there is no such thing as being too busy to communicate.  when you become busy, then there is a lack or absence of the effort to communicate, which is already a telltale sign of an actual lack or absence of interest.  when that red flag is up, cut that string clean and fast, and move on.


am i ready to date? i don't know.  i haven't done it for the longest time.  but if my friends who have been scorned and scarred can date, then maybe so can i.  emotionally and psychologically, i think i am ready to play the game again.  play and get caught, or play and play over and over.  but this time, my rules, if any, have changed.  the ties i forge or the strings i cut will not be easy to make, all because i have to be more responsible now.  heck, i'm not in the market for a husband. not yet. that tie i cannot forge just yet.  let me be clear on that. communication is one thing i hold dear, so i might as well be crystal clear on that aspect. 


but to play... yes, i think i'm game.  and so are my friends.  singlehood has never been this exciting and complicated.  but i think we're all fair game anyway, rules be damned.


- - -

this post is for me and for all my friends out there who are forging ties and cutting strings and just having fun.  you know who you are.  cheers!