invincible (for arlene)

INVICTUS
(william ernest henley)


Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

unhappy in love

okay. for the record, i am a single mom who decided to leave my relationship when my son was six months old.  it was not an easy decision (duh. whoever thinks that is NOT HUMAN.) but i made the choice.  no regrets whatsoever. mea culpa, but life goes on.  (and yes, i have commitment issues. way too many.)

this week, THREE friends in my concentric circles each went into relationship-crisis-mode one after the other.  i kid you not. the first crisis for person 1 happened on tuesday.  the next, for person 2, happened on wednesday night/thursday dawn. and the last, for person 3, happened last sunday but she decided to pour everything out to me on friday night.  so i had a week full of the stuff really good drama shows are made of:  complicated intertwinings of relationships, kids, kids from previous marriages, having a career and being more "powerful," money matters, property ownership, reasons for commitment, infidelity, blah-blah-blah.

what struck me was this:  2 out of 3, despite the issues, still admit that they love their respective partners. 

that got me to thinking.  because deep down, i realized i had to keep my mouth shut for fear that i may say something wrong.  because i knew that they would somehow get back together with their respective partners because, yes, they can still "feel the love."

"mahal mo pa ba?"
"oo."
"e yun naman pala..."
"pero hindi ko na kayang magtiis."
"pero mahal mo?"
"i guess, but i'm really unhappy. feeling ko ginagago ako."
"mag-usap nalang kayo ng maayos. kung wala talagang effect, e di saka ka mag-decide."
"hmmmm... pero di na talaga ako masaya..."
circle circle circle... ad infinitum...

i'm a very good listener. i give good advice.  and the big thing is, i walk my talk.  so my friends love it when i'm on their side.  but unlike before when i couldn't care less about the other party, ("pucha, kahit mahal mo, kung di ka na masaya, wag mo pilitin!") i have learned to tread more carefully when my friends say they still love their partners. 

i know not everyone is as strong as me, that when i decide to call it quits, i mean it.  marami na kong friends na nag-backtrack.  buti nalang, never pa kong nasisi.

but seriously, seriously... i can't see myself unhappy in love.  if i'm in love, i should be happy.  if i think i'm unhappy, then it can't be love.

if that belief is wrong, hit me now.  or else, let me bask in the beauty of happy singlehood forever.

8

the magic 8 ball is spinning. or should it be blobbing? 

i remember being envious when my cousin, kuya jambie, got his own magic 8 ball in the 90s, and we would take turns asking it questions, answerable with a "yes" or "no". 

"does he have a crush on me?"
the ball:  bet on it.

"will i have fun in college?"
the ball:  of course

"should i go with mom to tacloban?"
the ball:  no way

blah blah blah.  ask right, and it will be answered.  if you don't like the answer, you can shake the ball again until you get the answer that fits. (cheat!!!)

more than 10 years hence, and i remember that ball now.  because i'd love for some questions to be answered.  and maybe, just maybe, the number 8 will work its magic yet again, and the ball will confirm and/or deny what i believe in my heart is Fate working its wonders in my life.  and no cheating this time around.

somehow any sign would be welcome at this point.  8 months.  8th day next month.  (oh. and today is an 8 too.)

the world is spinning and i will roll...

round and round and round.

settling in

this is our 3rd weekend at the new house.  and this is the 1st weekend that i fully enjoyed sleeping in on a saturday, without having to worry about any social obligations. 

we moved in on may 16, and it was amie & padate's wedding the following day.  aside from driving back and forth from fairview to diliman, i had to squeeze in some shopping time for a "pormal at matimpiin na kasuotan" because i fully realized i had to be properly dressed if i were to be a proper hostess at the reception program.  well i found a dress (and it was on sale at the black shop! yahooo!!!) and i think i pulled off the hosting stint with just a few blunders, so it was a pretty good weekend.

then last weekend, dwan celebrated her 26th with a big party at home on saturday night.  it was fun. i'm sure the pictures speak for themselves. hahaha.  when we woke up around noon after the party, tita bella & tito rick were there, and it was only then when i found out that daddy & mommy had planned to hold our own intimate blessing of the new house.  there we were, all groggy with eyebags, during the house blessing.  oh yes, the wild party came before that.  (i think it would have been funnier if the blessing was immediately followed by the party, don't you think? smirk.)

and this weekend... this has been mine. mine and rauf's. a little down time spent playing, sleeping in, eating & cuddling. the weather calls for major cuddling, and who better to do it with than rauf? (as if i have any other choice. haaay.)  i finished reading "the last lecture" by randy pausch, and i am inspired in a way that gives you a tingly feeling when you know that the life you've led so far has been nothing else but right. 

i still have a few bags and boxes to clear, and i have to transfer some of my books which my mom decided to shelve on her own, but aside from that, everything's pretty much in their own place now.  and rauf has stopped looking around with curious, questioning eyes, wondering where the old peach walls and cream cabinets of the old fairview house are. 

and oh.  he has discovered that climbing stairs is waaay better than just walking around his bed and crib.  i guess someone has really found his new playground in the republic, just like his mom.

:)