i am so stuck with a list of deadlines past and near-future. i can't seem to keep up. it's so hard writing memoranda and legal opinions when (1) you honestly believe that there's no way out if you stick to black-letter law yet know that there are excuses left somewhere in the gray areas in between, (2) you have this stinking feeling of being dumped with more work than your supposed co-equals yet you all receive the same salaries and benefits, and (3) you are so friggin' tired of reading commentaries and cases and googling for eloquent statements you can paraphrase to lengthen your own writing and eventually, you still end up with grammatically-correct (believe me, it matters. if not for anything else, this has made me shine. unfortunately) yet mediocre output.
i can feel the dive coming. and i have no strength and will left to heave, sigh and move on. but i know i must.
- - -
i can't help but feel sorry for a friend who assumed a position of authority early this year. her predecessor just spent her work days playing bookworm and listening to music while waiting for her extended retirement to lapse. but this friend of mine? thanks and no thanks to her genes, is now stuck with most of the office work (official and otherwise), despite the existence of a hierarchy which should be up and running, considering that they regularly receive their salaries and humongous allowances. sad sad sad.
- - -
how can one selfish, inconsiderate b*stard affect the contractual relations of one government agency with a private company? because of his continued refusal to settle his personal obligations, the private company is threatening to withhold and suspend all benefits supposedly to be utilized by the government agency.
and the bastard can't be found. he's too slick. he has two padrinos in the legislature and backing from a very influential family. i just think that if you're that callous and well-connected anyway, why not just settle your obligations instead??? this seriously, positively affects my own personal growing clamor for noynoy to wrestle that LP presidential nomination away from... you all know who. :)
- - -
rauf is on "book four" of his life diary. and he's growing so fast. he knows money is precious and would move heaven and raise hell to grab that peso bill from anyone who waves it near him. and he loves dancing to calle ocho. with matching butt wiggles. precious.
- - -
considering the fullness of my daily schedule, i'm stuck thinking if i really have "a life". despite all my complaints, i still enjoy what i do and i love my job for allowing me to grow as a professional and as a civil servant. (honestly, i still believe that there is hope for the philippine bureaucracy to stop being bureaucratic and be more responsive. i try to do my own share, and i think i'm good at it.) but, yes, do i have "a life"? maybe. i am blessed with friends and family and rauf. and maybe not just now, at this exact moment, when i'm neck deep in work. i sooo deserve that break coming up in two months. yessssss.
- - -
this release is just what i needed. now i have to get some lunch, and then get back to work. i am definitely drinking at least 2 margaritas tonight. this MONTH has been hell, this week most of all.
carpe diem!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
touching base
i'm still good friends with one of my ex-es. I used to not count him as an ex because when we were together, we didn't have the usual bf-gf rules. But an ex is an ex is an ex, i guess, in whatever shape, height, iq level or nomenclature.
So anyway, this ex started as & has always been a very good, dear friend. we've gone on & had other relationships (and other ex-es) but we've always kept in touch, mostly through text or the sporadic phone call. Looking back, i think since we 'parted ways', we've tried to hang out at least once a year, just to catch up on things. The chances of meeting up would be higher if one of us was in crisis mode (like me needing him for an emergency case or him calling me for urgent legal stuff), or when the advice of our regular best friends wouldn't be enough in really big, monumental events (like him realizing that he failed his last relationship or me realizing the same with mine). You know, stuff.
(hey, if i were in serious trouble now or in the future, he still would be the first one i'd call, presuming he doesn't change his number.)
i know some, or most, people don't understand the depth of the friendship that we have. And yes, this has always been a sensitive issue with our respective partners (though i obviously don't have one now. He does.). But ours is a friendship tested through time, our own failed relationship, and the successive loves, aches & issues that both of us went through with others. It's also an investment, personally & career-wise, for both of us. Quid pro quo.
And now... He's so in love with his 'good luck charm' and i'm happy for him. (for real. Honest to goodness real. And i'm not being defensive.) and for once, i believed him when he said he wants this relationship to really work, because... Because... Every two sentences or so, the name X would come out in the conversation and he would literally, actually beam, it was so funny (those who know him would understand why). I'd even harness a play at the word 'gushing' even if it really doesn't fit his personality.
I wished them well. I wish them well.
And when i got off the car, i told him he had to set me up with someone soon. He laughed and told me that he'd try, but not to bet on it. And he told me to kiss rauf for him.
Then i realized: i just went through hours of hearing his girl's name & i even offered to meet her soon. Him? He saw my son's pics & videos but he rejected being ninong, missed the baptism, forgot the birthday & those ordinary lets-have-coffee-i'll-pick-you-up days when he could have seen rauf.
I so totally get it. Or not.
C'est la vie.
So anyway, this ex started as & has always been a very good, dear friend. we've gone on & had other relationships (and other ex-es) but we've always kept in touch, mostly through text or the sporadic phone call. Looking back, i think since we 'parted ways', we've tried to hang out at least once a year, just to catch up on things. The chances of meeting up would be higher if one of us was in crisis mode (like me needing him for an emergency case or him calling me for urgent legal stuff), or when the advice of our regular best friends wouldn't be enough in really big, monumental events (like him realizing that he failed his last relationship or me realizing the same with mine). You know, stuff.
(hey, if i were in serious trouble now or in the future, he still would be the first one i'd call, presuming he doesn't change his number.)
i know some, or most, people don't understand the depth of the friendship that we have. And yes, this has always been a sensitive issue with our respective partners (though i obviously don't have one now. He does.). But ours is a friendship tested through time, our own failed relationship, and the successive loves, aches & issues that both of us went through with others. It's also an investment, personally & career-wise, for both of us. Quid pro quo.
And now... He's so in love with his 'good luck charm' and i'm happy for him. (for real. Honest to goodness real. And i'm not being defensive.) and for once, i believed him when he said he wants this relationship to really work, because... Because... Every two sentences or so, the name X would come out in the conversation and he would literally, actually beam, it was so funny (those who know him would understand why). I'd even harness a play at the word 'gushing' even if it really doesn't fit his personality.
I wished them well. I wish them well.
And when i got off the car, i told him he had to set me up with someone soon. He laughed and told me that he'd try, but not to bet on it. And he told me to kiss rauf for him.
Then i realized: i just went through hours of hearing his girl's name & i even offered to meet her soon. Him? He saw my son's pics & videos but he rejected being ninong, missed the baptism, forgot the birthday & those ordinary lets-have-coffee-i'll-pick-you-up days when he could have seen rauf.
I so totally get it. Or not.
C'est la vie.
Friday, August 21, 2009
the nanny diary #1
when i gave birth to rauf, i didn't have a nanny. Yes, my mom was there, ready to help & take over when i got too tired, but basically, it was just me & rauf. Rauf & i... For two whole months. Then i had to go back to work.
Karen was a good first yaya (nanny, in Filipino). Very eager, on the pretty side, dependable (only because i knew my mom would never leave them). unfortunately, it turned out she was also pregnant, and had only taken on the job because she had to leave the province pronto, else she earn the ire of her parents. The duplicity was shocking, and i couldn't allow her to give birth under my watch & my roof. I let her go.
At around the same time karen arrived, ate delia was recommended by my aunt, who was very concerned i might not be able to concentrate at work if rauf had no yaya & my mom had no helper.
the original dynamics actually went like this: i would go to work. Mom would take care of rauf because she didn't trust anyone else. Karen would step in to let my mom eat or rest, but only when rauf was sleeping himself. Ate Delia was the cook & all-around helper. I would take over caring for Rauf when i arrived from work until the following morning when i'd have to leave again.
When Karen had to leave, Rauf was old enough to be handled by a yaya already. So at 6months old, mom endorsed the care of Rauf to yaya Delia. Save for the 3 weeks in june when yaya D went awol, they've been together since. (yes, i take over as soon as i get home.)
I know i wouldn't survive without my mom & yaya D. i'd be lost & grasping at straws without them. It's a difficult thing when you have a career and still want to be the best mother you can possibly be. You have to swallow your pride & oc-oc-ness and accept the fair level of help needed, with the exercise of maximum tolerance. But all this you can only do when you know, deep down, that the yaya really cares about the well-being of your child, sans the threats of lawsuits. (haha. I really can't help that)
So why am i writing about this now? Because the yaya who loves rauf has been having family troubles since june. And she went awol last june, as previously mentioned. And 2 weeks after coming back in mid-july, she went home for 3 days, 2 nights. And now, she again went home. This is her third night away.
I can't take it anymore. But she loves rauf & takes care of my son very well. i want her out of my employ, but i'm thinking 'sayang' because she's really a good yaya.
i don't know what to do.
Karen was a good first yaya (nanny, in Filipino). Very eager, on the pretty side, dependable (only because i knew my mom would never leave them). unfortunately, it turned out she was also pregnant, and had only taken on the job because she had to leave the province pronto, else she earn the ire of her parents. The duplicity was shocking, and i couldn't allow her to give birth under my watch & my roof. I let her go.
At around the same time karen arrived, ate delia was recommended by my aunt, who was very concerned i might not be able to concentrate at work if rauf had no yaya & my mom had no helper.
the original dynamics actually went like this: i would go to work. Mom would take care of rauf because she didn't trust anyone else. Karen would step in to let my mom eat or rest, but only when rauf was sleeping himself. Ate Delia was the cook & all-around helper. I would take over caring for Rauf when i arrived from work until the following morning when i'd have to leave again.
When Karen had to leave, Rauf was old enough to be handled by a yaya already. So at 6months old, mom endorsed the care of Rauf to yaya Delia. Save for the 3 weeks in june when yaya D went awol, they've been together since. (yes, i take over as soon as i get home.)
I know i wouldn't survive without my mom & yaya D. i'd be lost & grasping at straws without them. It's a difficult thing when you have a career and still want to be the best mother you can possibly be. You have to swallow your pride & oc-oc-ness and accept the fair level of help needed, with the exercise of maximum tolerance. But all this you can only do when you know, deep down, that the yaya really cares about the well-being of your child, sans the threats of lawsuits. (haha. I really can't help that)
So why am i writing about this now? Because the yaya who loves rauf has been having family troubles since june. And she went awol last june, as previously mentioned. And 2 weeks after coming back in mid-july, she went home for 3 days, 2 nights. And now, she again went home. This is her third night away.
I can't take it anymore. But she loves rauf & takes care of my son very well. i want her out of my employ, but i'm thinking 'sayang' because she's really a good yaya.
i don't know what to do.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
margaritas are my new san mig light. 3 orders & the buzz just happens, sans the carbo & tummy issues that beer brings.
Beer is comfort, like hanging out with good friends. Margaritas are a notch higher, kinda close to beer but not quite, like spending quality time with really good friends, not quite caring what tomorrow might bring. Suffice it to say, when i need to 'chillax', margaritas are IT. And i need to just chill. Really.
I am a big fan of absolut kurant + clear soda, but i associate that drink more with patrick, who, around 8 or so years ago, would guzzle them with me like there was no tomorrow. he has been sober for 3 years. And hey, i've never been a drunk. Seriously. So when pat told me he couldn't share a drink with me, i stopped my affair with absolut. No wonder that 1liter bottle stashed in monti's trunk has been forgotten.
But no matter how often (2x a week tops!) or what kind of alcohol you consume, here's the deal: it will always, ALWAYS taste better when shared with friends, over good pulutan & exxxciting conversation.
Cheers to friends who make the supposedly lonely nights easier... We can never dissect any issue to the minutest detail. Ever. But just hanging out & having fun while trying just to get that delicious, happy buzz... Priceless.
Beer is comfort, like hanging out with good friends. Margaritas are a notch higher, kinda close to beer but not quite, like spending quality time with really good friends, not quite caring what tomorrow might bring. Suffice it to say, when i need to 'chillax', margaritas are IT. And i need to just chill. Really.
I am a big fan of absolut kurant + clear soda, but i associate that drink more with patrick, who, around 8 or so years ago, would guzzle them with me like there was no tomorrow. he has been sober for 3 years. And hey, i've never been a drunk. Seriously. So when pat told me he couldn't share a drink with me, i stopped my affair with absolut. No wonder that 1liter bottle stashed in monti's trunk has been forgotten.
But no matter how often (2x a week tops!) or what kind of alcohol you consume, here's the deal: it will always, ALWAYS taste better when shared with friends, over good pulutan & exxxciting conversation.
Cheers to friends who make the supposedly lonely nights easier... We can never dissect any issue to the minutest detail. Ever. But just hanging out & having fun while trying just to get that delicious, happy buzz... Priceless.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
the future of democracy
my favorite female political icon is cory aquino.
my high school essays were either about her or peppered with references about the Filipinos' achievements in edsa. my law school entrance exam essay was about the spirit of edsa and cory aquino's influence on philippine politics. and when i applied to become a philippine delegate to the international student week in ilmenau, germany in 2003, my application essay was about cory aquino, edsa and philippine democracy.
when i got accepted to the conference, all i was concerned about were my travel plans, funding sources and finding a travel buddy. i couldn't care less about being academically prepared for the focus group i was going to participate in: "the future of democracy, group A." i thought i could hack it, believing i knew everything there was to know about democracy, the philippine experience and all that jazz. i was, after all, a law student who had passed consti law 1 and had even read the annex to the philippine constitution. i knew that the sovereign will of the Filipino people shall always be above the Constitution because of edsa.
on our first break-out session and after making our introductions for the second time that day, i distinctly remember someone tapping my shoulder and telling me that she was from belarus and had read all about the "edsa revolution" and could i tell her how the philippines did it.
i was prepared to talk about edsa, what happened in edsa and why the people came together at that time. but to tell someone from another country HOW we did it was beyond me.
so i told her everything i knew. that the people were just basically tired of marcos and the way he was running the country. that there was this brave man named ninoy who was marcos' archenemy, and that to the filipino people, ninoy was the anti-thesis of marcos. that on the day ninoy arrived, he was gunned down at the tarmac before he even set foot on philippine soil. that the people had given him the largest ever funeral known in philippine history (as far as i knew). that his wife cory, a homemaker, later took on his fight. and that the filipino people fought the fight with her. but how we did it, i didn't really know. i opined that it was a conglomeration of events and passions, all geared towards gaining back the freedom that our country and people had once enjoyed.
i also told her about edsa 2 and how cory played a major role in toppling down yet another president in 2001.
she was looking at me with amazement the whole time i was telling her the greatest political story i have ever known in my lifetime, and when i finished, she just said, "i think we need a leader like your Cory."
my heart swelled with pride. here was a foreigner wishing she had a leader like the one we had, believing that the philippine experience was worth emulating in her own country.
all these memories came rushing back when i found out that cory had died.
i didn't cry at first, because i really believed that her dying made her reach that happy place where she couldn't anymore experience all the pain caused by her cancer. while the whole country was praying for her recovery, i was praying for God to put an end to all her suffering. but when i saw kris on tv, sharing her grief and the whole story to the world, i was crying with her. she had lost a mother. the philippines had lost a leader. i had lost an icon.
the two-and-a-half hour wait to see cory's remains lying in state at la salle greenhills was worth it. i knew i had to pay my respects, and the five seconds we were allowed to see her was more than enough. she looked peaceful, and i believed my prayers were right on the mark.
the following day, a monday, i was driving to work and thinking about the surreal experience i had just went through when i felt tears falling. i had to slow down and get a grip on myself. yet the tears kept flowing.
it dawned on me that i wasn't crying just for cory. nor for the country. but for myself, for losing a beacon of hope in my firm grip on the ideals of democracy, freedom and the common good, things which i continue to work for in my own little way. at that moment, i didn't know if there was, or is, anyone else left to look up to and emulate. and that was, and is, the sad truth.
the grateful crowd that sent off cory was a fitting tribute to the woman, mother and leader that she was to our country and to our people.
i was there. i was wet, tired and hungry, but i had to say goodbye. i waited for five hours for her to pass by. and when she did, i was proudly chanting her name and flashing the Laban sign. and i clapped with the throng, in gratitude for everything that she allowed us to regain in edsa: our sovereignty, our dignity, and our pride as a people.
and in my heart of hearts i vowed i would do my best to protect the future of democracy in the philippines. in my own way, in my own little way.
rest in peace, president aquino. this humble civil servant will never forget you.
my high school essays were either about her or peppered with references about the Filipinos' achievements in edsa. my law school entrance exam essay was about the spirit of edsa and cory aquino's influence on philippine politics. and when i applied to become a philippine delegate to the international student week in ilmenau, germany in 2003, my application essay was about cory aquino, edsa and philippine democracy.
when i got accepted to the conference, all i was concerned about were my travel plans, funding sources and finding a travel buddy. i couldn't care less about being academically prepared for the focus group i was going to participate in: "the future of democracy, group A." i thought i could hack it, believing i knew everything there was to know about democracy, the philippine experience and all that jazz. i was, after all, a law student who had passed consti law 1 and had even read the annex to the philippine constitution. i knew that the sovereign will of the Filipino people shall always be above the Constitution because of edsa.
on our first break-out session and after making our introductions for the second time that day, i distinctly remember someone tapping my shoulder and telling me that she was from belarus and had read all about the "edsa revolution" and could i tell her how the philippines did it.
i was prepared to talk about edsa, what happened in edsa and why the people came together at that time. but to tell someone from another country HOW we did it was beyond me.
so i told her everything i knew. that the people were just basically tired of marcos and the way he was running the country. that there was this brave man named ninoy who was marcos' archenemy, and that to the filipino people, ninoy was the anti-thesis of marcos. that on the day ninoy arrived, he was gunned down at the tarmac before he even set foot on philippine soil. that the people had given him the largest ever funeral known in philippine history (as far as i knew). that his wife cory, a homemaker, later took on his fight. and that the filipino people fought the fight with her. but how we did it, i didn't really know. i opined that it was a conglomeration of events and passions, all geared towards gaining back the freedom that our country and people had once enjoyed.
i also told her about edsa 2 and how cory played a major role in toppling down yet another president in 2001.
she was looking at me with amazement the whole time i was telling her the greatest political story i have ever known in my lifetime, and when i finished, she just said, "i think we need a leader like your Cory."
my heart swelled with pride. here was a foreigner wishing she had a leader like the one we had, believing that the philippine experience was worth emulating in her own country.
all these memories came rushing back when i found out that cory had died.
i didn't cry at first, because i really believed that her dying made her reach that happy place where she couldn't anymore experience all the pain caused by her cancer. while the whole country was praying for her recovery, i was praying for God to put an end to all her suffering. but when i saw kris on tv, sharing her grief and the whole story to the world, i was crying with her. she had lost a mother. the philippines had lost a leader. i had lost an icon.
the two-and-a-half hour wait to see cory's remains lying in state at la salle greenhills was worth it. i knew i had to pay my respects, and the five seconds we were allowed to see her was more than enough. she looked peaceful, and i believed my prayers were right on the mark.
the following day, a monday, i was driving to work and thinking about the surreal experience i had just went through when i felt tears falling. i had to slow down and get a grip on myself. yet the tears kept flowing.
it dawned on me that i wasn't crying just for cory. nor for the country. but for myself, for losing a beacon of hope in my firm grip on the ideals of democracy, freedom and the common good, things which i continue to work for in my own little way. at that moment, i didn't know if there was, or is, anyone else left to look up to and emulate. and that was, and is, the sad truth.
the grateful crowd that sent off cory was a fitting tribute to the woman, mother and leader that she was to our country and to our people.
i was there. i was wet, tired and hungry, but i had to say goodbye. i waited for five hours for her to pass by. and when she did, i was proudly chanting her name and flashing the Laban sign. and i clapped with the throng, in gratitude for everything that she allowed us to regain in edsa: our sovereignty, our dignity, and our pride as a people.
and in my heart of hearts i vowed i would do my best to protect the future of democracy in the philippines. in my own way, in my own little way.
rest in peace, president aquino. this humble civil servant will never forget you.
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