arrivederci

But o heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red.
Where on the deck my Captain lies
Fallen cold and dead.
              - O Captain, My Captain (Walt Whitman)

I know that this is in accordance with the natural order of things - that children will bury their parents.  But i never expected it to happen this early and this soon.

As the eldest, I have been raised and trained with the requisite qualities, abilities, qualifications and values to step up and be the second parent when needed.  Mom was always proud of my strength, my intellect, my determination, even if she had had doubts about my being beautiful in the eyes of the opposite sex.  But i have Rauf now.

That aside, most of you know that I have been playing a big role in the family for some time now.  I have accepted it as part and parcel of the realities of being the Ate. The primus inter pares. The first among equals.  But mom was always there as our heart and soul.  Come to think of it, Mom was training us to the very end, making sure that the three days in the ICU would heal our own personal pains and forge deeper, stronger, more meaningful bonds among & between us her children, especially from Bullet down to Seal.

My friends know how much I love and how much I've sacrificed for my family, and it goes without saying that I and Rauf are velcroed to my, this family, forever.  Glued or stuck is harsh.  It means it will not budge or break unless broken.  But velcro? It works together: the soft, fluffy side and the rough, gritty side, meeting together and working together, until they have to be separated a bit to allow something or someone in or out, and then they have to be re-attached again to work as a whole.

Just like velcro, our family has both the soft, fluffy side and the rough, gritty side.  All families do.  And just like velcro, Mom was always balancing both sides and keeping us all together:  with laughter & tears, joy & sorrow, support & restraint, smiles & scoldings, soothing embraces & fighting words, comfort & tough love.

These past few months, the mechanics holding our velcro together were weakening.  The rough, gritty side had started rearing its ugly head, and the soft, fluffy side was slowly unravelling.  As the eldest and as the child of both parents, I chose not to take sides.  I wonder now how things would have turned out had I decided to do otherwise.  Well somehow I did, but any intervention I attempted to make was met with silence.  Whether it was an implied admission or a general denial, I know it may not matter to most of you now.  But it does to me, to us.  Because Mom is gone.

Mommy, in your ICU bed and in front of your coffin, I was always whispering to you to give me a sign.  I waited and waited... and you showed me the way last night.  Finally.  I will not let you down, Mommy.  We will not let you down.  This is not a question of loyalty, or of trust, or of societal norms.  But a commitment of love.

But Mommy, it's time to rest.  You have done more than your fair share of taking care of all of us - over, above & beyond what usual motherhood means.  You were our teacher & our friend.  You were always, always our biggest, proudest #1 fan.  You were the static and the guiding hand that kept us velcroed together.

And while I speak in the past tense, know that every little & big, normal & extraordinary thing you have done for us will always be in our hearts.  Never forgotten.  Always remembered.

Thank you, Mommy.  Sorry we never got to lavish you with everything your heart desired. 

Maybe God just wanted to take away all your pains and frustrations and disappointments.  Maybe at the end, the pride & joy we had given you as your children, and Rauf as your grandchild, were enough to make you happy, if not complete.
Maybe 18 months with your Rafael is enough to last him a lifetime.
Maybe 13 years with Seal was enough, so he can grow up to be his own man because you babied him so.
And maybe, just maybe, God took you away to teach all of us - Dwan, Niccolo, Bullet, Lian, Brikko, Seal and I, with Rauf, to really take care of each other & value each other, even without you here with us every second, of every minute, of every day.

It will be hard to pick up the scattered, broken pieces of what you have left behind.  You're a tough act to follow, Mom, but we will try.  Yes, we can. (Oh, how you loved Obama!) So yes, all 7 of us can. 

We will stand together.  We will be strong together.  Just as we survived and lived while you were alive, we will do our very best to live, laugh, cry, study, work, play, win, lose, feel, love, hope and fight... with your passion, with your strength.  All 7 of us, standing tall, proud, sure & decisive - and brave - as you would want & have taught us to be.

The future is ours for the taking, and we will seize it all together.  We will not let you down.

Go towards the light, Mommy.  Fly and go to God.  Do not worry about us.  Your death came swiftly, but you have left and will leave the fires of hope, love and courage burning within each one of us.  We will not let you down.

Rest in peace, Mommy.  Go to God and catch up with JP.

We love you always.  We will miss you always.

Until we meet again, Mommy.

Arrivederci.



-delivered at my Mommy's last mass on earth, 25 october 2009, Christ the King Seminary, Quezon City.

broken

While we continue to live, breathe, and try to go through the motions of a life that has suddenly taken a very difficult and bumpy bend, the very thought that i will never ever see my mom alive again just makes me want to give up on any sense of normalcy.

i cannot put into words what i feel and wish and hope for, since we suddenly lost our beloved Mommy to brain aneurysm on monday night... I don't think any child who has lost a parent can ever really express the depth & extent of the grief, the sense of loss, the painful reality that the woman who made their house a home is now gone...

But Mommy's body is still here. And she deserves the grandest production ever we can give her before we inter her body to the earth. She deserves the rock star treatment and all that jazz, and we will celebrate her life as she would want to.

So i continue breathing... Because Mom wouldn't want us doing otherwise. Because Mom deserves only the best from all seven of us. Because Mom was the life of every party, and she will have the biggest party we can ever give her.

Breathing is such an effort, knowing my Mom will never ever EVER breathe, smile, laugh, talk, sing, dance, walk and scold us again.

I miss her every day. Every single day...

I am in broken pieces. I wonder when i or any of my siblings will ever be whole again.

choice

to move Mom to a private room, so we can be with her 24/7 until her body gives in, until God takes her away from us...
or to let Mom stay in the sterile conditions of the ICU, where the clinical treatment of doctors and nurses and aides will be available to her 24/7, while her kids and the family can only visit her at 10minutes per schedule, 4 times a day.

i never imagined i would be facing this decision this early on in my life.
my youngest brother is only 13.
rauf is only 1.

but reality bites:
my Mom's kidneys are failing (or have failed).  dialysis is out because her blood pressure, which ranges only from 70/30 - 60/20, is too low.  her heart might not be able to handle more stress. 

realities. miracles.
they are colliding, conflicting worlds.

God help us.

prayers

i humbly ask for prayers for my mom, MARIA PAMELA NATALIA MARTILLO DUMAS, who is fighting for her life here at a hospital close to our quezon city home. Prayers that she wake up and come back to us, prayers that everything will be okay, prayers that she be strong enough for whatever God has planned for her...

She sufferred an aneurysm with massive bleeding to the brain. The prognosis doesn't look good, and the doctors have been upfront with us that the next 24hours are crucial. She is still responding to medication and is hooked to a respirator.

The sporadic 10-minute scheduled visits to the ICU keep us afloat.

My brothers, my sister and I, together with our very supportive martillo & dumas families, are doing fine. I ask that you pray for us too... That whatever is happening now, we will stay strong together and keep the Faith.

Thank you for all your messages, texts, calls. mommy is blessed to have you all praying for her... And we are very lucky to have you as friends & family.

But we have to storm the heavens with more prayers...

Please help us.

TAGAY!

Leyte hopes to kicks Spain's ass off the Guinness Book of World Records for the world's largest wine tasting event!

Kirigta kita ha McArthur Park & Leyte Landing Memorial on 18 October 2009.

Registration starts at 1pm.
Concert & program 1pm-3pm
RECORD ATTEMPT @ 3PM

Please bring relief goods for the victims of Typhoons Ondoy & Pepeng. We cannot in all conscience try to break a world record without a worthy cause.

Aside from the free tuba & bahalina, AnWaray Party List will be giving all participants mementos for attending the event.

So come one, come all...
KIRIGTA KITA NGATANAN HA TAGAY!!!

desire

I was honest and forthright when the panel asked me yesterday why i thought i deserved the official nomination of the house of representatives to the philippine selection for the latest round of the JICA young leaders program.

As far as young leaders go, I am a homegrown talent. I have spent the last ten years in the civil service, serving congress in different capacities as congressional staff, committee researcher, committee technical support officer and legal officer. all my opportunities for professional and personal advancement have fell on my lap all because of my own doing. the House secretariat itself has recognized my ability to lead when it previously appointed me to chair the employee electoral board, for which i got rave reviews. And the truth is, this is the FIRST time i have even been considered for a program like this.

We were asked what we thought about the effects of foreign governments sponsoring 'educational excursions' like this, and i answered the panel as honestly as i could: whichever way you look at it, this is still an opportunity to expose myself to another culture, another way of thinking, probably a more efficient & effective method of doing things. No matter how short the course may be (3 weeks), the knowledge & experience gained from the trip will still have an impact on my personal & professional growth. Of course your 'colonial' psyche will ante up. Of course you will be 'grateful' to the foreign government for this chance. But at the end of it all, it will still be my sense of nationalism and pride which will play a big role during and after the program.

So now i await the decision of the house committee on scholarship and training grants. Part of me knows i got it, but the saner part of me knows i have to wait for the official word.

Cross your fingers with me :)

TAGAY!

by Philip Jude Acidre, An Waray Regional Coordinator


In a bid to promote the local coconut industry as well as to showcase the cultural heritage of Eastern Visayas, AN WARAY is scheduled to hold the 2nd Oktubafest on October 17 to 18, 2009. The highlight of this year’s celebration is the attempt to break and set a new record for the World’s Largest Tuba Wine-tasting Event, which will be attended by 7,107 participants and wine-drinkers to be held on October 18, 2009 at the MacArthur Leyte Landing Monument, Government Center, Palo, Leyte.

These past weeks, however, a series of typhoons and flooding has affected a significant portion of Northern and Central Luzon as well as Metro Manila and has adversely caused the evacuation of thousands of our fellow Filipinos. While AN WARAY has not remised in its responsibility to assist in the relief and rehabilitation efforts, we still feel that much more needs to be done in order to alleviate the sad plight of those affected by these natural calamities.

With this in mind, AN WARAY has decided to make the upcoming celebration of the Oktubafest, especially the wine-tasting event, into “Tagay for a Cause” a community campaign to collect relief goods from those kind hearts who are still willing to share some more to those in need in these trying times.

In this regard, we would like to appeal to your generosity to join us in this relief effort by donating relief goods for this cause and by personally delivering them to the designated collection booths at the Oktubafest venue.

It is our hope that through this event, we will not only showcase our wine products and cultural heritage, but with our selfless giving, we can together present to the whole nation and to the whole world the caring hearts and helping hands that prove the best in the people of Eastern Visayas.

For more information, please contact (O53) 323 4279 or simply leave a message/comment here. Thanks!

alone

i am squeezing strength out of solitude.

when all you hear is noise and cries for help, add to that insinuations of selfishness and apathy, all you want to do is curl up and shut everything out. 

except that i am a single mom, and an eldest child, and a working professional, and the other half of a new relationship.  just thinking about it makes me balk.

e has been a God-send during these turbulent times, and i seek strength in his presence as much as i can.  but i do not want to burden him with my own sh*t, considering he has much of his own to deal with.  what we can do together, we will.  but i don't expect him to carry my load.  such is not the way i handle my life. (and he doesn't get that part of me yet.)

my little boy is coping.  being awakened at dawn by unidentified, loud sounds can wreak havoc on anyone's psyche.  if it bothers us, i'm pretty sure it affects him a lot too.  if only i could remove him from the situation, i would.  but where would we go?

the siblings are great.  i even think they're handling things better than me.  i hope they realize that i am taking this stand because of my position in the family and because i need to protect myself too.  one wrong move could adversely affect any of my chances for a good future, considering how persons in illucid intervals can do evil things sans concern for the other party (in this case, me.).

how can i take the blame for something which was not my doing?  how can i be accused of apathy when i have done what i can to change the course of things, only to remain unheard and unnoticed?

this is not my battle to fight.  but i will protect whoever and whatever i can.  up to my last breath, up to the bare frays of whatever cords hold us.

i tread this particular path alone... with e, with friends, with family, but still alone.

because this role is mine and mine alone to play.  and i hope i'm playing it right.

or else i bear the risk of losing not just myself, but my very foundation for being.

inutile

i am rendered inutile by the wrath of nature and the tendency of man to err.

i feel so helpless and useless in the face of these adversities, all beyond my personal control.  no matter how much i try to swim and stay afloat, there are times, such as these recent weeks, when the undercurrent is so strong, and i would rather be swept away than hold my ground and fight.

but i have never given up a fight. any fight. my positive act against nature is to offer whatever i have of myself towards all the relief efforts going on around me.  on man's propensity to err, i can only swallow my pride and seek solace in the warmth of friends.

to be able to face these head on and stand my own (high) ground is my wish.  such is my only succor in the face of all these tragedies.