growing up. letting go.

When I was a kid, I refused to let Mommy fuss over me. I was the not-so-perfect schoolgirl with the good grades, friends, lots of school activities & I had the (over?)confidence to boot. I was on 'solo flight'. I didn't want Mommy to be there all the time, stage mom that she was. (To the very end, may I say.)

Now that it's Rauf's turn, I find myself doing the same things Mom was doing. I prefer driving Rauf everywhere he goes. I'd rather wait in a coffee shop near his school while he's in class, making sure I'm the first one he sees when he gets out. I can only imagine the things I'd do when he goes on field trips, or starts to do things on his own... I know he'll be ok. But will I be ok?

I miss my Mom. I want to tell her so badly how sorry I am for 'driving her away' while I was growing up. After all, I was her first child. According to her, it was only with me that she was able to really focus on during my formative years. (Well, after that, the siblings just came & came & I was the one feeling neglected. Hehe.)

And it has come to pass that the vicious cycle of independence seems to be running thru Rauf's veins, strong & thick. I am relegated to the sidelines, waiting until he realizes that Mom is just around, watching over him like a hawk.

It's so hard to let go of my little boy, but I must. And I have.

He is growing up.

I am too :)

fair game no more

While I used to be the go-to girl for all matters of the heart & all questions on possible permutations of relationships (even across genders), I find myself sorely lacking foresight as of late.

Dear friends, I apologize. Apparently being in a happy, wonderful place has made me less sensitive to the games & hunts that swirl around me (and our haunts). I am only human. And a woman in love, thank you. (Ehem.)

I never thought the day would come when a coffee invite would just really be a good conversation over coffee. Or a nightcap wouldn't be interpreted as a booty call. Or an invite to hang out wouldn't be followed by a question (so who else is coming? Cute ba yan?).

While knowing every nuance of the game has given me wisdom, being oblivious to the sense & smell of the game has numbed my perception of what is & what could (or couldn't) be. It's like I'm wrapped in this bubble of comfort, I just fail to respond to the signs.

And by doing so, I just might have fed some poor unfortunate soul to the lion. Or confused the lion into thinking that the hunter was going for a different kill.

But I know you, dear friends. You don't need me to interpet every advance, every retreat, and every little kill of the game.

Play, be played, get caught, go for the kill.

Or run for cover & hide 'til kingdom come. (Just don't forget to come out & play, ok?)

I got myself willingly killed last year. And frankly, this 'death' has been the best one yet.

:)

friendster's best

testimonials. that's it :)

 

here are my bests. and yes, i post this now because i need to feed off the flattery. and i need to be reminded of who i am as others see me, how i have grown (or stayed stagnant), and what i can still do (or choose to do).

 

before friendster reformats, i have to save these for posterity. and thank you, friendster friends, from the bottom of my heart :)

 

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This page is so not enough 2 describe this gurl Apryll. She's without inhibitions (2nog bold star!) when it comes friendships. I mean she's all-out all-the-way in making her friends feel special. Ay, pangit ang dating, ano? But really, Apryll is totally Miss Friendship. I admire her IQ and her guts 4 finishing law school and holding a job at Congress at the same time. Whew! She's something else di b? Well, wat cn I say? Siyempre, nagmana sa kanyang Mommy Di! Im sure you will go far, my dear. U got wat it takes! Gudluck, girl, n go 4 it! (Divine, 3 Aug 2005)

 

con mayda tauo ga maaram daco iton acon pagtagad - hi apryll dumas it usa hit pipira la nga aada ha acon huna-huna. macarit ini nga babaye - buotan, baltoc gan sigurado nga diri ca huhubya-on nga caupod. suerte gad udog it macacaasaua hine ha iya. con baga madiscarte gud ine hiya. diri la cita maaram national figure na ini hiya ha dira maiha nga panahon.ha pangatapusan, behold an exceptional woman! (Jude, 15 Feb 2005)

 

apryll dumas, esq: noun (plng-plng) ingenious, brilliant, the whole nine yards of dashing intellect action-packed with wit and excitement. plang and i go way back. and guess who i ended up bumping into with a pack of reds in college? (or weren't they menthols?) nevertheless, even though i haven't seen this lawyer-to-be in the longest time, i'm pretty sure she'll hook me up with marked down lawyer fees when i need counseling. ha! 'over my dead body,' i can hear her saying that now. ingat! (Ferdie, 21 Nov 2004)

 

What is there to say about Apryll? :-) She's an intelligent, idealistic, trusting, introspective, unpretentious, well read and open individual who's slightly...just slightly...a bit on the crazy side :-) (she won't admit to being obsessive-compulsive, but she is haha...don't worry, a little bit of insanity helps) she also likes to read between the lines, smoke menthol lights and drink A4 coffee....Deep down she's a sentimental romantic, am not sure if she realizes that...:-) I have absolutely no doubt that she will one day be an asset to the legal profession as a member of the bar/bench (specializing in family law no doubt hehe)....just remember, you promised you would be available for the executive secretary position when I get elected (or take over as) President :-) She has some issues (di ba? haha) but then again all of us have our own dark stories to tell...Good luck with your studies and career, as well as with your other personal endeavors...I'll be seeing you...! (Ronald, 2 Mar 2004)

 

"last yosi ko na to..." :-) hehehe.. she almost quit smoking dahil sa mahal ng yosi sa ilmenau! i met ate apryll sa iswi 03.. actually, my first meeting with her was during our cultural presentation - nagbihis sha sa hagdan nung tinituluyan naming house.. i guess that's just one proof of her pagiging cowboy! and for that, i admire her.. sobrang simple and jolly - despite her busy schedule and heavy workload.. she plays the guitar well also.. very thoughtful and caring.. ate apryll, good luck and god bless po! hope to see you soon! :-) (Paula, 1 Jan 2004)

 

Ano ba masasabi ko rito? Mahirap kasing sabihin. Too hard to express in words. This girl is more than a true friend, more than a sister. A loyal friend, someone who understands my quirks. Someone who is always there for me. She is also a partner in crime (hehehe). London ha, 7 years from now? Apryll, if I only have one friend left, I want it to be you. (Nad, 29 Oct 2003)

 

Nanay!!! My travelling partner, travel planner, photographer and number one bugaw. Convinced me to travel with her to places thousands of miles away from home without my even having met her. Travelling with you guys last summer was the best! Has a knack for chika...very organized...can carry a bag twice her weight (all over Europe). Maparaan sa pag- ibig...haaaay, all my mems with you are happy, happy, happy. 'Til the next time! And BTW, even if we never got to see the Code of Hammurabi, I know you'll make it. (Marielle, 14 Oct 2003)