love letter #6

dearest mommy,

and here we are, surviving another christmas without you.  it went ok, although last year's was better. (weird, huh.) aside from the fact that the morcon lacked it's usual zing, and someone forgot to buy the ingredients to glaze the ham, everything pretty much went ok. just ok, because we missed you again.

when we visited you on christmas day, i wasn't expecting we would break down and pour our hearts out to you. after all, it was christmas (a time for joy, a time for happiness...), and we wanted to make you happy.  but when dwan started crying, she couldn't stop.  it was nice, though, that we got to tell you ourselves what was happening in our lives, and what we still wish for as siblings, as individuals, and as part of one "small" household. 

what happened on christmas day was the greatest gift we gave to each other as siblings: honesty, respect, acknowledgment, gratitude.  and i know it was the best gift we could give you as your kids... that through these all, petty fights and screaming matches included, we are still one tight bunch, helping each other get through life, thrive as individuals, and rely on each other for anything.  after all, who else do we have but each other?

you kept us together, mom.  and you're still keeping us together.  ours is not a perfect life, but we manage to more than just live.  individually, we fight our own demons, but looking at it from the bigger perspective, we are actually helping each other get through what we need to do and prove to ourselves, to you, and to everyone, that we are moving on.... complete with all the melodrama that we could actually do without, but have to live with.

i have only you to thank for giving me (and therefore, us) such a great year.  everything just balanced out and fell into place. 

sometimes, the signs from the Universe confuse me, but i dare not complain.  on the one hand, my career is going on full swing and i am really happy about it, while on the other, my lovelife is thriving and more... and you know how contradictory that is.  you who knew from way before our 'beginnings', and you, all honest and straight, who asked me how we would make it work.  surprisingly, things are going great. 2011 holds the key to what my life will be in the next years to come... it's scary, but i'm excited. and i'm ready.  'whatever' right now is so positive, i can only laugh. because, really, i'm ready for whatever the Universe has in store for me.

rauf is growing up to be a little naughty, but is very smart and alert.  he recites his alphabet straight from A-Z when he thinks no one is listening, but refuses to do it when we ask him to.  he hates 2, 3, 4 and 5, but loves 1, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.  bullet is teaching him to sing his do-re-mi, and little by little, he's getting the pitch right.  he knows all the characters from all his playhouse disney shows, and also recognizes a lot of tv commercials, with special mention of "uno, dos, tres, quatro... vaseline!".  and of course, how can i get mad when he goes a little ga-ga over your favorite, willie, and his new sidekick, shalani?  hay nakuuuuu. i think he's watching too much tv. 

we're all doing fine, mom.  just help nikko a bit, so he can get divine intervention and inspiration as he finishes his thesis.  add a little more oomph and lend more creativity to bullet, as he has declared that 2011 will be his own leap year.  make paramdam to lian and seal when they fight over their computer games, and remind them that they should prioritize school.  whisper to brikko that it is in resourcefulness and humility that real creativity comes out, and that it's okay to borrow nikko's cam while i figure out how to include a new SLR in my budget.  and make dwan stronger, and tougher, as she embarks on yet another year of self-discovery and of mothering all of us. give her & me your patience... we need it constantly.

i try to stop myself every single time i think about how things would have turned out if you were still alive and here with us.  because no matter how much it saddens me, i have accepted that you're gone and will never come back.  at the same time, i know that you wouldn't want us wasting our time and energy on holding on to the thought of you still being here.  so i am starting to move on, really move on, and somehow, i feel that it's the right, and the best, thing to do.  the greatest thing we can give you is to show you that we lived, and thrived, even without you, because it would be the best affirmation of the kind of mother you were to us: always challenging, always supportive, forever the proud stage mother.

and we're going to do you proud, mom.  all of us, from me down to rauf.  we will not let you down.

love and light, mommy.  we miss you, but life goes on.  merry christmas, Mommy! and give Jesus a birthday kiss from all of us :)

with much love always and forever,

apryll