history. herstory.

12.12.12: the first time the RH bill will be voted on 2nd Reading in Congress, the farthest it has ever gone in its 14-year lifetime in the legislative mill.

exciting for some, scary for some. from where i sit, i can only feel pressure & apprehension. but as long as we have a quorum, the legislative process must and should finally be allowed to follow its course.

let the chips fall where they may.

i am sure it's going to be a long day.

hope is real

sometimes I wonder where this will all end... whether it will be the stuff the usual happy endings are made of, or THE ultimate happy ending we would both want to have when the right time comes: you and me together, on our own terms. or you and me apart, but as friends. always as very good friends.

it's hard to tell sometimes, if this romance will last. I know I love you, and I really do. But I don't want to force the issue, and frankly, I know how much you'd rather prefer to not face that issue yet.

truth is, we're both cowards. just going with the flow, holding on, hanging on... for what, and until when, we will never know.

but I'm still here. floating, thriving, waiting. and hoping against hope we can make some sense out of all this someday: why we fell in love when it was the most impractical thing to do, why we stay in love despite being apart.

I haven't written like this for a while. And it feels good... To just let the doubts fall where they may, to face glaring realities and not gloss over them with expressions of undying love which you hate.

I've had an extremely long work day, and always, always, when I get home, I wish I could tell you all about it (or complain, or gloat, or ask for your opinion, or cry in frustration, whichever is applicable). Then we can share a drink together and fall asleep in each other's arms. That's all I need, and that's all I hope for. I just want to be with you. I still want to be with you.

27 months. still together despite being apart. amazing. beautiful. crazy.

wonderfully weird.

waxing senti (for niccolo)

brother, friend, surrogate dad to rauf, driver, mechanic, errand boy, default drinking buddy - name it, you'd do it, for me :)  i never knew you would turn out to be the most responsible and most reliable man i would have in my life. i swear.

i was always proud of how you embraced college life in diliman. there were times when i thought that i had to put my foot down and ask you to control your extra-curriculars and just focus on your academics, but i could see that you basked in the enjoyment (and challenge!) of taking on a lot of things at any one time and still thrive. so i let you be, and even fueled your campus political ambitions by donating to your campaign fund. hehehe.

it was a slow and looooong journey, but the sacrifices - yours, mine, ours - now just all seem to be worth it. (this was a sure thing anyway. i knew it. the only question was when.)

how i wish mommy were here now to celebrate with us. this was her dream for you as much as it has been your own.

i remember we (mom & i) were talking about you one time and she was getting worried about you. she asked me, "how long before he graduates? and doesn't he have to clock in hours before he gets to take his boards?" i just told her to relax, and to leave all the strategizing and planning to you. our rules were clear anyway: the important thing was to never get kicked-out or go on MRR. of course all of that became moot and academic when you graduated (finally!) last summer.

another nikko moment with mom that i distinctly remember was about your lack of a lovelife - 

mom: "he's such a nice guy, in fact i think he's my kindest son. so why doesn't he have a girlfriend?" (laughter)

me: "hay naku. let's just be happy we haven't met anyone yet. that poor girl might not be able to handle you and me together as protectors of our beloved niccolo."

(imagine... when bullet was about to introduce a girl to her, she was rushed to the hospital and went into a coma. hmmmmm. what more if it were you? maybe she would've had a heart attack instead! hehehe. just kidding, mommy. i digress.)

so now i am trying to make myself laugh. and you laugh. and dwan-who-is-far-away-in-japan laugh. because while i am bursting with pride and joy, i am crying as i write this, knowing how proud-er mommy would have been of you passing your boards, playing stage mother to the hilt as compared to my attempts at being stage Ate. (lousy, sometimes, but i think i'm doing okay, right? hehehe.)

you better come back from your raket soon because this calls for a really happy celebration, one that mommy would have pulled out all the stops for. and when we do, i'm sure she'll be with us. just here, hanging around. 

i love you, niccolo. thank you for being you. congratulations and fly high. embrace your destiny. it's time :)

ramblings

after realizing that i haven't written anything the past 4 months, i had this sudden desire to blog. 

but i don't know what to write about. 

i can't write about work, because literally from where i am sitting now, practically everything i do has implications on the boss. gone are the days when i can exercise my right to free speech and expression without any self-imposed restrictions. every little word i utter or move i make is a reflection of the office i hold. i wish i could write in innuendos instead, but crafting the mystery would take much effort. i'm a simple, no-nonsense writer: i write what i think and how i feel. so lest i be misinterpreted, let's just leave it at that :)

so i can write about Rauf. how he's growing up so fast, and becoming smarter AND infinitely naughtier. i couldn't leave the house this morning, as he was demanding that i sit down and sing some songs with him on the magic mic. i had done my whole usual set and his current favorite (jingle bells) when he took my hand and told me that he wanted to take a nap - not alone, but beside me. but i had to go. sigh. the pains of solo working moms.

and i guess i can also write about the siblings. how proud i am of my sister, who is leaving in january for a short course in japan. and my brother who is preparing for his boards (finally!). and my other brother who is neck deep in finishing his thesis. and yet another brother who is making waves as a singer/songwriter. and the brother who so confidently lounges around the house, playing best friend to Rauf. and the youngest brother who i think is falling in love for the first time. yiheee.

and of course, i can write about the guy who has turned my world upside down. he can be such a dude most of the time, and thank God for the infinite patience that my job entails, the patience i also have to apply on our relationship is peanuts :) i ab-so-lute-ly cannot wait to spend time with him soon.

and something happened today that made me reassess my friendships. today i accepted the fact that in all my humanity, keeping and maintaining friends has taken a toll on me. that in fact, there's such a thing as too many friends. and corollary to that is the truth that when your path suddenly takes a different turn, not everyone whom you consider as friends will take that turn with you. and those who stay, well, they're the ones worthy of keeping. because they fight with you, beside you, whether for the right or the wrong reasons. they wait for you, they make time for you, they call you or message you in the weirdest of hours, knowing that you're also awake. that's why they're called friends. (you know who you are. teeheee.)

and then i can write about me. that, at the very core of my being, i am just simply going with the flow and refusing to be still for now. shining, soaring, waiting. and just having fun. 

everything, i believe, is just as it should be.

carpe diem. and merry christmas! :)

extra challenge

I blogged about this dream of mine before, but nothing came out of it. I didn't even get to do 10% of the groundwork. In retrospect, maybe it wasn't time yet.

But as Fate would have it, the itch to go after that elusive dream is now stronger than ever. And with the proper preparations, maybe it will all work out this time around.

I have always wanted, still want, and definitely will take a bite out of that apple. I hope it's ripe for my picking.

Now let the painstaking, heartbreaking, mind-wrenching preps begin.

I am ready.

growing up. letting go.

When I was a kid, I refused to let Mommy fuss over me. I was the not-so-perfect schoolgirl with the good grades, friends, lots of school activities & I had the (over?)confidence to boot. I was on 'solo flight'. I didn't want Mommy to be there all the time, stage mom that she was. (To the very end, may I say.)

Now that it's Rauf's turn, I find myself doing the same things Mom was doing. I prefer driving Rauf everywhere he goes. I'd rather wait in a coffee shop near his school while he's in class, making sure I'm the first one he sees when he gets out. I can only imagine the things I'd do when he goes on field trips, or starts to do things on his own... I know he'll be ok. But will I be ok?

I miss my Mom. I want to tell her so badly how sorry I am for 'driving her away' while I was growing up. After all, I was her first child. According to her, it was only with me that she was able to really focus on during my formative years. (Well, after that, the siblings just came & came & I was the one feeling neglected. Hehe.)

And it has come to pass that the vicious cycle of independence seems to be running thru Rauf's veins, strong & thick. I am relegated to the sidelines, waiting until he realizes that Mom is just around, watching over him like a hawk.

It's so hard to let go of my little boy, but I must. And I have.

He is growing up.

I am too :)

fair game no more

While I used to be the go-to girl for all matters of the heart & all questions on possible permutations of relationships (even across genders), I find myself sorely lacking foresight as of late.

Dear friends, I apologize. Apparently being in a happy, wonderful place has made me less sensitive to the games & hunts that swirl around me (and our haunts). I am only human. And a woman in love, thank you. (Ehem.)

I never thought the day would come when a coffee invite would just really be a good conversation over coffee. Or a nightcap wouldn't be interpreted as a booty call. Or an invite to hang out wouldn't be followed by a question (so who else is coming? Cute ba yan?).

While knowing every nuance of the game has given me wisdom, being oblivious to the sense & smell of the game has numbed my perception of what is & what could (or couldn't) be. It's like I'm wrapped in this bubble of comfort, I just fail to respond to the signs.

And by doing so, I just might have fed some poor unfortunate soul to the lion. Or confused the lion into thinking that the hunter was going for a different kill.

But I know you, dear friends. You don't need me to interpet every advance, every retreat, and every little kill of the game.

Play, be played, get caught, go for the kill.

Or run for cover & hide 'til kingdom come. (Just don't forget to come out & play, ok?)

I got myself willingly killed last year. And frankly, this 'death' has been the best one yet.

:)