'heart don't fail me now.
courage don't desert me.
don't hold back now that we're here...'
-journey to the past, anastasia
my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere.
i cannot stop, because if i do, i might just go with the flow and stay comfortably ensconced in this zone...
the fire is red. the mood is golden. this girl is ablaze.
i will rage while the light is alive.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
striving to strike a balance
now that i think about it, 2010 just simply takes my breath away... the opportunities, challenges, and chances that i took advantage of, overcame and took are testament to the fact that the Universe, simply, was somehow making it up to me after the really sh*tty 2009 that i had.
and wow, how the Universe made it up to me.
i got to do the things i missed the most about work, the real reasons why i joined Congress in the first place. i did my job the best way i knew how, and i also realized how much i had grown into what i do. the years of learning while 'statically ensconced' in and around Congress worked to my advantage. i had a few hits-and-misses, but they were forgiven. (i hope.) the year was full of shining moments for the boss and our team, and i am in awe of what we did, and can still do.
i have really itchy toes, and the year allowed me to travel in the best way i've always done it: almost for "free." i went to tokyo on a scholarship. i bought my ticket to the US from the back allowances i got after being "promoted." i flew to bangkok on a promo ticket. in retrospect, it was a really amazing period of flight for me, in every sense of the word.
while my stupidity tends to be magnified by my (historically bad) choice of 'men', i'd like to believe i redeemed myself this year by finally finding someone who knows me on all points, and accepts me fully, totally, unequivocally for who i am, what i have, and what i do. granted, we're doing this long distance, and it just really sucks. but this is where the Fates & i have our last hearty laugh for 2010: had they thrown a 'normal' relationship my way, it wouldn't have survived the really bad hours at work. so yes, thank you, Universe. you did me a favor this time. it's not perfect, but this is more than what i expected. i am happy and at peace.
but 2010 wasn't all about smiles and victories. i lost pearl in the same way i lost mom. i barely had time to play with rauf. i had a few run-ins with friends and got out of touch with some of them. the ties within our family continue to be tattered, and considering the latest sightings, i have no idea how or when the broken fences are going to be fixed. but i have hope. blood runs through strong and thick, like a river that flows. or whatever. Mom has a way of doing things, and i'll just wait for her to show the way.
in the natural order of things, someone else would actually be scared at how good the past year turned out, and therefore expect something to go wrong this year. or even anticipate the worst things to happen. but i've been through the worst. and i know that things are just gonna get waaaaay better.
so while i embrace 2011 as yet another amazing opportunity to shine and take over the world, or at least the part of the world that's mine now and could still be mine, i will strive to strike a balance this year.
while i continue my attempts at being the best person i can be, i will be a better mother. (and maybe, a stricter sister. haha.)
while i continue to love the work that i do, i will not be afraid to discover other opportunities and rock my (professional) boat. this, after all, is only a job. if i have to start over, i will try not to be too scared... and defy gravity in the process.
while i bask in the contentment and excitement of where i am now, i have to start building my future. mine, rauf's, and another's closely connected to mine. it's time.
while mediocrity has never been my thing, the key word to avoid this year is complacency. i am done with just riding the waves and surviving. i will create my own tsunamis. plural. and thrive.
anything and everything is possible this 2011 and the decade ahead. and i - with the Universe - will make it happen.
i believe.
and wow, how the Universe made it up to me.
i got to do the things i missed the most about work, the real reasons why i joined Congress in the first place. i did my job the best way i knew how, and i also realized how much i had grown into what i do. the years of learning while 'statically ensconced' in and around Congress worked to my advantage. i had a few hits-and-misses, but they were forgiven. (i hope.) the year was full of shining moments for the boss and our team, and i am in awe of what we did, and can still do.
i have really itchy toes, and the year allowed me to travel in the best way i've always done it: almost for "free." i went to tokyo on a scholarship. i bought my ticket to the US from the back allowances i got after being "promoted." i flew to bangkok on a promo ticket. in retrospect, it was a really amazing period of flight for me, in every sense of the word.
while my stupidity tends to be magnified by my (historically bad) choice of 'men', i'd like to believe i redeemed myself this year by finally finding someone who knows me on all points, and accepts me fully, totally, unequivocally for who i am, what i have, and what i do. granted, we're doing this long distance, and it just really sucks. but this is where the Fates & i have our last hearty laugh for 2010: had they thrown a 'normal' relationship my way, it wouldn't have survived the really bad hours at work. so yes, thank you, Universe. you did me a favor this time. it's not perfect, but this is more than what i expected. i am happy and at peace.
but 2010 wasn't all about smiles and victories. i lost pearl in the same way i lost mom. i barely had time to play with rauf. i had a few run-ins with friends and got out of touch with some of them. the ties within our family continue to be tattered, and considering the latest sightings, i have no idea how or when the broken fences are going to be fixed. but i have hope. blood runs through strong and thick, like a river that flows. or whatever. Mom has a way of doing things, and i'll just wait for her to show the way.
in the natural order of things, someone else would actually be scared at how good the past year turned out, and therefore expect something to go wrong this year. or even anticipate the worst things to happen. but i've been through the worst. and i know that things are just gonna get waaaaay better.
so while i embrace 2011 as yet another amazing opportunity to shine and take over the world, or at least the part of the world that's mine now and could still be mine, i will strive to strike a balance this year.
while i continue my attempts at being the best person i can be, i will be a better mother. (and maybe, a stricter sister. haha.)
while i continue to love the work that i do, i will not be afraid to discover other opportunities and rock my (professional) boat. this, after all, is only a job. if i have to start over, i will try not to be too scared... and defy gravity in the process.
while i bask in the contentment and excitement of where i am now, i have to start building my future. mine, rauf's, and another's closely connected to mine. it's time.
while mediocrity has never been my thing, the key word to avoid this year is complacency. i am done with just riding the waves and surviving. i will create my own tsunamis. plural. and thrive.
anything and everything is possible this 2011 and the decade ahead. and i - with the Universe - will make it happen.
i believe.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
for you
a lot of people don't know that you & i have been a work-in-progress for such a long time. call it Fate, or stupidity, or the Universe actually conspiring to confuse us, but yes, in a few months, this little chemistry that we have will be celebrating its 10th anniversary. not that we've actually shared those 10 years together, but it's a good perspective, don't you think? *wink*
you've been telling me not to look back on all those 'wasted' years, and just to look ahead. but here's the thing... my romantic side (yes, i have one. haha.) sincerely, honestly believes that this is just how things are meant to be between us: a slow fire that burned throughout those years, with the wood catching fire sporadically and teasingly every single time we would meet, with some embers left until they eventually fizzled out... and then the flames would roar again.
this time, the flame just keeps on burning. it's a comfortable kind of fire, warm and toasty and just right.
so let's keep that fire burning... slow, sure, steady.
2011 is going to be good. i can feel it.
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