coming home

i found my way to my high school alma mater last friday to award the an waray leadership medal to the salutatorian of the LIDE learning center.  it was fate.  15 years ago on the same occasion, i was the salutatorian of our batch.  (the leadership award then went to my good friend cristy alde, who is now a pediatrician practicing in isabela.)

it was eerily comforting seeing most of my former teachers still part of the school faculty.  a lot had changed, some looked older, but most of them had aged gracefully, sans the wrinkles & white hair, and i was uber proud.

but of course, the crux of the whole visit was finding myself back at the leyte industrial development estate (LIDE), where i spent 5 happy, fruitful, and of course, eventful, growing-up years.  although i only managed to gaze at the house we used to call home (i didn't know who the current occupants were, otherwise, i would have knocked & asked to see my old room. no kidding.), meeting up with old friends and teachers made the homecoming complete.

mr. yap is still the principal and he has remained the distinguished gentleman i was always in awe of.

mrs. yap definitely does not look the lola she already is now.  i even think she looks exactly the same as when i saw her last 1994.

mr. sacares, who used to have two little cute kids tagging behind him & mrs. sacares, proudly showed me their latest family picture.  of course his sons now tower over him.

ms. bulahan gladly shared with me her latest romance that went pfffft, and she remembers how she had to pull my sister, dwan, out of the car just to make her attend her preschool class.

i got to talk to other teachers there, but they were mostly concerned about how i am and what i'm doing now.  i could see pride in their faces.  after all, i used to be this mousy little girl, the flirty-nerd who they constantly worried about not being too focused enough on her academics because she was busy with her robin-padilla-esque (hehe) boyfriend.  i guess my outfit choice that day nailed it. (you can never go wrong with silver stillettos. haha.)

and my classmates who have chosen to stay... oh wow. we all have grown!!!

joy, geoffrey & maricel work in philphos, just like our parents used to.  joy has a successful business and a kid who's an incoming 3rd grader! (wow)  geoffrey is happy, stable and fulfilled as a husband & father.  maricel is juggling a career as a chemist and being the mother of two kids. 

i was uber happy to see jake, who now has a drastically changed lifestyle as a father & husband, and who refused to share even just a gulp of red wine with me.  hehehe.

and dara.  my ever-loyal high school best friend who has stuck with me through the devil and the deep blue sea... the choice she made to go back was mind-boggling at first, but she & emerson have built a life anyone can be proud of.  i'm super duper proud of their success as the youngest managers (or are they VPs now?) of PASAR.  heck. i don't even know when i can afford a swift AND a strada, which they now have :)  being my very good friend, we usually see each other at least once a year here in manila, but this was the first time i saw them back home after years. 

the selfish side of me is glad they all have chosen to stay in LIDE.  it means home will always be home because they're there :)

but the homecoming wouldn't have been complete without seeing all the other very important people i had to meet in cebu, now a bustling city very, very different from what i remember.

hazel looks exactly the same, and i'm happy that she looks sexier.  we reminisced about our love-hate relationship back in high school, and just had to laugh at how juvenile our "issues" were back then. haha.

amiel, unlike jake, decided to more-than-hang-out with us, and braved the wrath of his wife just to enjoy the night - complete with alcohol, good music and fun conversation.  he didn't even know that hazel was now based in cebu!  (i hope they decide to hang out more often.  after all, we manila-based classmates don't get to see each other, but we're pretty updated about each other's lives.)

paloy is now the responsible husband & father, though he skipped going home to dumaguete that weekend just because i was arriving. hehe. man, he has been through hell and back, and i was glad to have spent quality time with him after years of seeing him almost everyday in molave back in college. hehehe. those were the days :)

and surpise, surprise, i gave janjan an excuse to procrastinate, and he drove me around his city, fed me and took care of me like a mother hen.  ending my trip with quality time spent with a newfound friend surely was the icing on the cake that was my trip.

so i'm back in the big bad city and beside rauf, who is now my home...  when he's older, i will take him around to see the places and meet the people who have made his mom what & who she is today.  for now, we're nursing his fever (he's cutting his 7th tooth!) and hoping it will be all gone by tomorrow.

how apt... me getting back to my roots just when my son is turning one. 

life is beautiful.

"plang"-ing on international women's day

atty. kari sison sent me this text around 1pm today, sunday:

Babae ka! Kalahati ka ng buhay. Kung ikaw kaya'y wala, sa'n ang buhay ipupunla?
("Babae", Inang Laya)
Isang mapagpalayang araw ng kababaihan!

ironically, a few minutes later, i received this text message from my close friend who is caught in the web of domestic violence, which has been the subject of my recent blog posts (yes, nagparamdam sya):

i read your blog. hehehe. thank you for the concern, care and love... but i love him :(

two things:

first off, if i were in love, i would be happy. i would NEVER put a sad face after the phrase "i love him".  if i'd put a sad face, i'd run away, fast.  for what use is there being in a relationship if loving him doesn't make you smile?

second, my frustration level is so so so DOWN there.  but i'm not giving up hope. never. hope ALWAYS floats.  it's time i'm after.

- - -

so to YOU.  i know you read me.  but do please at least TRY to understand me.  that would be a good start, i think.  i hope.

:(

near hits

i was at a 3-day out of town seminar last week and on the first night, i was sharing a few beers with the facilitators & some co-participants when i got a very disturbing text message from a beautiful, smart, intelligent woman very close to my heart.  i was close to tears as i composed the most urgent, complete reply i could muster. then i called her just to make sure she was okay.  she was obviously in pain, and i felt her confusion, humiliation & anger as she tried to relay to me exactly what happened.  then the line got cut, and all i could do was forward her message to her family and make sure that they were alerted about the incident.

SEC. 2. Declaration of Policy.- It is hereby declared that the State values the dignity of women and children and guarantees full respect for human rights. The State also recognizes the need to protect the family and its members particularly women and children, from violence and threats to their personal safety and security. (RA 9262. Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004.)

iam, in my own personal way, a women's rights advocate.  i also have, on numerous occasions, given free legal advice and even free legal aid to women who have requested for my help.  never in my wildest dreams did i imagine that someone in my close circle would be a victim of domestic violence.  yet it has happened, and what frustrates me the most is this: my hands are tied.

she doesn't want to do anything about it.  she said she loves him.  her husband is planning to buy her a condo, a new car, another new LV, perhaps. 

and her family doesn't want to intervene, even if i told them that at this point, physical intervention is extremely necessary.  because waiting will not work.  and the next time around, things might be too late.

but nobody is listening to me. 

here i am, trying to make a difference in other people's lives, making women understand that it is NOT OKAY to get beat up, telling other women that it is NOT OKAY when their husbands or boyfriends force them to have sex with them, talking to the close circles of these women and telling them that it is NOT OKAY for them to just leave their friends/sisters/daughters/aunts be.  and they all listen to me.

if only i were thousands of miles away in the same desert as she, i would at least try and force her some sense into her.  but all i can do now is wait for her to make the first move.  because since the incident, she has been hiding from me.  and i hope to high heavens that she will be okay for now, until she sees the light and decides to remember the woman she once was.

i have hope.  and she knows i'm just here, waiting.

dignity. respect. right. security. 

no matter how much she tries to let herself believe that things will be okay, i seriously doubt that will ever happen. ever.

because you see, my trust in the innate goodness of man dissipates at even the slightest hint of his propensity to commit abuse of any kind.  this beast should thank his lucky stars i haven't seen hide nor hair of him YET.

and yes, consider this a serious threat.

DV (and i don't mean cheap shopping)

http://opinion.inquirer.net/opinion/columns/view_article.php?article_id=192141

AT LARGE At Large : Rihanna is new face of DV

By Rina Jimenez-David Columnist Philippine Daily Inquirer

Posted date: March 03, 2009

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As if to prove that domestic violence is a problem that confronts women of whatever age, whatever station in life, the biggest “DV” story these days is that of pop sensation Rihanna, 21, who is reported to have gone back together with singer Chris Brown, 19. The pair is said to be holed up in one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’ homes in Miami, three weeks after Brown was called in on charges of “attacking a woman” and making criminal threats just before the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. Though Rihanna was not identified, photos of her bruised face were later released, lending credence to reports that she and Brown had gotten into a physical confrontation in the course of an argument. Brown was not formally charged, but he has said that he was “sorry and saddened,” adding that he was seeking counseling and hoped “to emerge a better person” from the experience. Rihanna herself has not commented on the incident, but thanked fans for the support they gave “during this difficult time.” In a related story, domestic violence experts were said to be dismayed “but not surprised” after learning of Rihanna’s and Brown’s reconciliation. The reunion is said to have taken place during Rihanna’s birthday, when Brown called to apologize. Before this, he was reported to have showered her with expensive gifts. “It makes perfect sense that she would go back to him,” said Madeline Garcia Bigelow, director of the domestic violence project at Manhattan’s Urban Justice Center, as quoted by the New York Daily News. “The reality is that when you’re in an intimate relationship with anyone you tend to give people chances.” Psychologist Dr. Jane Greer is concerned about what message Rihanna’s decision sends to her fans, many of them young women. “I think it sends a really negative message that it’s okay to remain in an abusive relationship and just to accept an apology and move on,” said Greer. * * * There’s even a name for what Rihanna and Brown have been through. Their story illustrates the “cycle of violence” in a relationship, when an incident of violence is followed by a period of remorse on the part of the abuser, who then begins to woo and court the victim. Gradually, professing his sincere remorse and apologizing profusely (and maybe professing his innocence or helplessness), he begins to win her over. Gradually, too, she begins to forget the tension, abuse and pain that attended the incident, and as the bruises fade and wounds heal, she begins to think that maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. Sadly, in too many cases, she may even convince herself that she was partly at fault, that she should have done things differently, said less, cared more. Of course, this isn’t called a “cycle of violence” for nothing. Because the honeymoon period is just temporary, and unless both of them take serious steps to address the violence, the tension is bound to build up until another blowup occurs and the same round of tension, of remorse and of reconciliation starts anew. What I hope Rihanna’s fans take away from this story is that you can be one of the coolest pop figures ever, earn millions of dollars, rack up hit after hit and be recognizable the world over, and yet still be vulnerable to domestic violence. It can happen to anyone, any woman. And your greatest protection will not be your fame or wealth, but rather your sense of self-esteem, the value you put on your person, and your determination to protect yourself whatever the cost. * * * Rihanna and Chris Brown are top of mind these days because I am in the middle of the Global Forum for Women and Justice being presented by the International Association of Women Judges (IAWJ), which convenes women judges and legal practitioners from all over the world “to discuss obstacles and solutions to eradicating violence against women.” I am in this city on the invitation of the Avon Foundation, which apart from supporting the Global Forum is also holding a follow-on conference on “Advancing Advocacy,” which includes discussions by international experts in the movement to end violence against women, as well as best practice sharing from Avon global markets and their NGO partners who have begun successful campaigns on this issue in their homelands. The Global Forum will feature keynote addresses by Andrea Jung, chair and CEO of Avon, as well as by Reese Witherspoon, award-winning actress and Avon Global Ambassador. An important development during the forum is the launch of the Avon Global Center for Women and Justice at Cornell Law School, and the creation of the Avon Program for Women and Justice. * * * I am sure that the speakers and participants at the Global Forum on Women and Justice will have in mind ways to protect and mitigate the damage done to women who find themselves imprisoned by silence and denial in an abusive relationship. Economic dependence and isolation make leaving a dangerous and life-threatening situation difficult, if not impossible. But there are other chains that hold back women: young children, fear of uncertainty and the unknown, the disapproval of family and society. The more romantic may even add “love,” and some women may in fact convince themselves that it is “love” — or perhaps empathy, affection, concern, even physical attraction — that keeps them tied to their abuser. In our discussions over the next few days, we will be keeping in mind women we know — cousins, aunts, friends, siblings, maybe even ourselves — who have been on the receiving end of violence. The fact that that line-up now includes a celebrity like Rihanna only shows us that violence is a scourge that affects all women, wherever they are, whatever it is they do.

unselfish

when his schedule permits, rauf's dad gets to fetch him once a week for an overnighter.  i allow it as long as his yaya goes along.  my parents object to this arrangement, because they tell me that from their experience, this would result in the child becoming indecisive, sensitive and weak.  because the child doesn't feel like he has a solid home.  because the child gets shuttled back and forth between two houses, two sets of people, two parents.

it's difficult, really.  but i have done my research and asked my friends.  the important thing is that the child feels loved.  and he doesn't feel there's anything wrong or abnormal with the situation, up until he gets mature enough to understand the explanation you have prepared when he's ready to digest the facts of life.

it's a matter of preparation. and guidance. and a whole lotta loving.

and yes, being unselfish too.  because rauf is not mine and mine alone, after all.  actually, he isn't mine nor his dad's nor his grandparents'.

he will grow up to be his own man.  and i will damn well make sure of that.