love letter #3

dearest mommy,

 

i write because i'm bothered.  i thought i had forgotten how painful it was (or still is) when we suddenly lost you almost 10 months ago.  apparently not.  because when i reached the office this morning, i suddenly cried, remembering how dwan also almost broke down when we visited you last saturday.

 

we miss you, Mommy...  

 

my days go by in a blur, full of neverending paperwork, and requests, and calls, and texts, and other things to do... i used to complain a bit. ok, a lot.  but work has been my coping mechanism for your gaping, quiet absence.  and i'm actually grateful.

 

i was telling my friend shao (who was also pearl's colleague at the osg) last saturday that God and the Fates have made it possible for me to just go on living.  remember, i got the JICA scholarship after you died.  and then i got the most-demanding-election-period-ever-in-my-whole-life after pearl died.  so really, i had no excuse to mope, or to feel sorry for myself, or to just sulk and get angry.  i couldn't.  i grieved at my own pace, with the flair & style that you would have wanted.  we all did.

 

dwan was telling me that she's hurt that rauf can't seem to remember you. they show him pictures of you, and it seems that he doesn't  recognize you anymore.  it makes us all sad... because he was so small when you left, and you loved him so, so much, and he won't grow up having you around.  i told her though that at his age now, we really shouldn't expect much.  but don't worry, Mommy. when he's older, we will make him remember.  and we will make sure he knows you.  every good and bad thing we loved about you.  i promised you that on your deathbed, and i will fulfill that promise.

 

although sometimes we wonder...  do your friends still remember you?  did the people whose lives you touched while you were alive still pray for you?  we have a big family and you had lots and lots of friends (i think all my friends know that i got that from you), but have they ever visited your grave again after you were buried?   which makes me wonder more... because i pray for you and pearl every single night, before i go to sleep.  would people do the same for me?  i mean, later on, when it's my time?  i'm not giving you the creeps.  i just think about realities like that.  i mean, after your death, anything can happen anytime.

 

so we've started planning for your anniversary.  we can't believe you've been gone for almost a year.  the sadness somehow fades when we realize that, yes, we have survived these past 10 months without you.  but the truth is, it has never been the same without you.  and we know it will never be the same...

 

but Mommy, no matter how happy we are, or how strong we seem to be, we always miss you.  a whole lot.  we hope you're doing well there in heaven, and having fun, and also surviving like us... don't miss us too much.  don't be bothered when we sometimes cry, or have our little breakdowns... we all gotta do what we gotta do.  you have to be our angel, and we will continue to be your babies.  being apart will never change that.

 

we love you. always. forever.

 

love,

 

apryll

 

ps.  Mommyyyyy, don't forget the teeny-weeny happy-happy request that dwan & i asked from you ha... don't mind nikko's objections :) hahaha! love love love and lots of hugs!!!

au revoir

goodbyes are painful.  whether it be said to a family member who has left us, or to a former flame, or an old companion, or a friend you may never see again, goodbyes are better left unsaid. but still, they have to be said.

i have said too many goodbyes the past year.  to francis magalona. to michael jackson. to former president cory aquino. to my good friend pearl.  to two former flames. (*wink*) to an old phone which i passed on to my brother nikko.  to old and new friends i met in tokyo. even to my room at the JICA tokyo international center, which was my home for 3 weeks.

and of course, the most painful goodbye i said was to my mom, when we were laying her to rest.
 
- - -

how fast time flies.

a year ago, mom, dwan & i braved the rains and the long queues to la salle greenhills just to pay our respects to president cory.  i distinctly remember getting tired and hungry and cranky, but to the very end, mommy was in high spirits, never complaining, ever the jolly, talkative sunshine she always was (when she wasn't scolding any of us).

a year ago, i was in high spirits, planning for my trip to the US, after having grabbed the $650 MNL-LAX-MNL bargain fare from PAL (only to donate it two months later to Lucio Tan, because it was non-transferrable, non-refundable, and non-reroutable).

a year ago, i was basking in the giddiness of finally seeing rauf walk on his own, super busy writing legal memos and opinions, balancing the suddenly-growing-domestic-issues at home, going out with friends who i had to pep-talk as they were reviewing for the bar, helping plan Tagay! for AnWaray, and trying my damnedest to save a long-distance relationship that was kinda going nowhere.

a year ago, never in my wildest dreams did i even know that the coming election period would be my hardest, most challenging elections, and my real "first" for the presidential race.

the past months are proof that anything can happen, anytime. and that there will always be moments you will be unprepared for, but will embrace, nevertheless, as opportunities you have to make the most of, and as blessings you will be most grateful to receive.

i am at a crossroads, and no matter how much i wish my mom were with me now, i know that there are reasons why we (or i) were supposed to go through these on our own.

my farewells have been properly said to the semi-peacful life i used to live.  or better yet, let's just say "arrivederci, in three or six years." :)

- - -

one of the first lessons bullet taught rauf was how to say "au revoir" with a flying kiss.  it started out as a "ba", then turned into "o-ba", and now, he says it properly "o-vwa."

when i leave home in the mornings and rauf is awake, granting that he's in a good mood, he would send me off with a hug and a smile, say "bye, mom!", and give me the sweetest flying kiss ever and say "au revoir!"

he is my reason for living.  just as we were mom's.