for my little prince

You are growing up so fast, and it never ceases to amaze me.

The world we now live in is so different from when I was growing up. My greatest fear is that as you grow older, the world might grow uglier. And I know that no matter how much I will try to protect you, you will have to grow & learn things on your own, one step at a time.

This early, you are proving to me that you are one hell of a fighter. And you will do anything & everything to get what you want. I hope, though, that the fights you will take on someday will be based on truths & principles & rights, and not mere hubris. I hope, too, that the things that you want will not merely be things, but the pursuit of learning, the yearning to experience the world, the zest for life & having friends & keeping great company. And that, early on, you realize & value the truth that family and friends matter most above anything else.

My deepest regret is the fact that I rarely get to spend time with you. I hope you will understand that I have to work really hard, because there's really just the two of us for now. Value your titos & your tita: without them, I wouldn't have survived this past year & a half raising you without lola beebye. (At this point, I'm just really glad that you still don't know how to count the hours we only get to spend together. Or that you still don't know how to text me "come home, mom!")

But baby, I promise you that you will have a life infinitely better than mine. You will have more choices, more opportunities to grow, more adventures to discover... I just hope that when you are old enough to choose, I will not interfere & cram my preference down your throat. I hope you grow up to be the man you want to be.

(Oh, but you're only 3. What more can I write when you're 5? Or 10? Or 25? But then again, when that time comes, would you still worship me as you adore me now? I don't think so.)

I don't know how to end this, because you know how I can go on & on just talking to you. We're both talkative this way. And, yes, makulit this way.

For now, though, know that you are the one who makes me the happiest... You have given meaning to my life and I am blessed.

I love you, Rauf, my little prince. So so so much. Thank you for being my real, true-blue, constant sunshine.

calling out to the Universe

You have never made it easy for me. Never. It has always been a game: of choices, of opportunities, of quid pro quos.

But I have to give it to You. You have never left me wanting for anything, really, and I am thankful. Despite all the negatives & all the tests, here I am standing, still thriving, still holding on.

Sometimes, though, I wish You'd just make things a wee bit easier for me. Like don't make me choose. Or don't offer me something which will create an opportunity cost. Or just give me what I want on a silver (or make it platinum) platter. And I would be happy.

The funny thing is, I don't even know if I would realize a simple sign from You when I get one. You who have always teased me, confused me, toyed with the complexities my wary, critical, skeptical mind will always consider. But I have never questioned You as much as I have now... Only because I feel myself getting tired. It's a neverending game of survival. I have proved myself to You over & over. Still, the tests come. Harder, more difficult, more complicated.

I am but human. The possibilities are endless. But please, for once, I need the straight, direct, simple sign.

Give it to me. I ask You to give it to me.

If all else fails, I will know that there's still something else out there for me.

Someday. Somewhere. And make it soon.

I have Faith. I believe.

double double

I will be flying again in a few weeks. Barring realities of earthquakes, aftershocks & imminent meltdowns, this journey will spell out the future for me. (I think.Rather, I hope.) After all, how long does one person (in this case, me) really have to decide on the things that matter?

The reality is this: my heart lives in two worlds.

The question is: will it ever become one?

Your guess is as good as mine.

of crabs

They claw at you. Crawl. Creep. And snap.

Oh how they snap.

The thing is, I have never been a crab. And I hope I never become a crab.

I work, I live, I have mouths to feed. I love, I feel, I choose. I do what I must, when I must, because there is no other way but this.

I am me.

Leave me alone.