dawn

Waking up early today with rauf beaming his large, bedimpled smile was the best affirmation of who i am and what i have done in my so-called life so far: i am a mother. A woman. A fighter. And i am all of these to make sure that Rauf has a better life than me. Nothing less, nothing else, nothing more.

The dawn looks bright, the horizon clearer than before. I am at peace... with myself, with what i have done, with what i am still supposed to do. Contrite hearts, if clean, are forgiven by the Heavens.

This is the way things are meant to be, and this is how they should be kept.

May all who read this experience a breaking dawn as mine.

Carpe diem for the 365 days of 2010!!!

2009

Everyone around me knows it was my worst year EVER.

But behind every dark cloud is a silver, glittery lining... So to bid 2009 adieu and properly welcome 2010 with a more-than-bearable lightness of being, let me list the best blessings i received for the year:

Rauf growing up, celebrating his 1st birthday with a bang & being hospital-free for 6 months now!

Really good, bestest-among-the-best friends, new great finds included, who had my back through hell and sorta-back-to-earth... You know who you are.

Performing more than satisfactory work, and proper acknowledgments being made for them.

Strong support groups: great friends, supportive co-workers, inspiring family! I draw strength from all of you. Thank you.

TNC, my college girls & the trade group/msacc people/congress berks, for the stress-relieving, stupor-filled nights of merriment, song and great conversations!

My siblings who, together with me, continue to grow stronger, more principled, more alive. Beebye's 7 fighters are doing great, and we're only just beginning!!!

Mom finding eternal peace in God's loving embrace.

fullness

meeting up with old friends last seen more than a month ago: check.
lunch with the girlfriends & e at our favorite burger joint: check.
bargain window shopping: check.
A quick trip to smell fresh semi-provincial air: check.
family gatherings: check.
a picnic, the car show & bumping into old friends: check.
making it to the converse sale at megamall & finding a good buy for the youngest bro: check.

and rauf's excitement at running around a grassy field surrounded by fully-restored vintage cars: check. check. check.

now this is life!

- - -

PS. we also visited Mom in loyola. i don't know why i forgot to write it down. i think Mom knows why... pero CHECK, Ma, DAKO-DAKOAN NA CHECK!!! :)

survivors

Legally, we are. Heirs & survivors of the estate of our late mother. but what estate? The person in control of the conjugal partnership will probably just say that there are no conjugal assets to account for, liquidate and distribute. We can go on and on, deluding ourselves that settling the estate & getting a piece of what Mom was legally entitled to would be the just, fair & equitable route for all heirs, but if it would mean drawing more blood, then we'd rather just live in peace and quiet.

plain and simple, my mother's only assets were us, her children. And her vivacious personality, artistic sense, the way she nurtured friendships, her joie de vivre... the other 'assets': the loud screaming shrilly voice, her REALLY itchy toes, her cloying attachment to her kids, are also part of what's left.

Over and above property and succession and family matters, we, all seven of us, are survivors in the truest sense of the word.

Because we continue to hold dear the principles and choices we have embraced.
Because of and for Mom.
Because we need to live if only to convince ourselves of what really is good, and just, and fair.
Because we are thinking, feeling, rational human beings.

the 7 fighter-survivors.
Fighting. Surviving.
Together.

light

i barely made it to the countdown of UP's Pailaw 2009 last night.

Traffic was horrible inside campus, i couldn't find parking at the college of music and ended up grabbing the last spot at the darkest area of the masscomm parking lot, and i had decided to dally at the last minute because i found out that rauf & the people at home hadn't left the house yet.

I was walking towards quezon hall, reminiscing how Mom would have been egging us all to attend the event together, and i knew that under ordinary circumstances, i would have said no. work in congress ends at 7pm, and she knows i rarely go on undertime because i am often late for work. True to form, she would just tell me, "Rauf is growing up. You have to prioritize." and if she were alive, i'm sure that despite my saying no, she would have brought rauf & whoever else wanted to go with her to UP and still watch the event. So when niccolo had texted earlier about the schedule of the Pailaw and that "there will be fireworks after. Bring rauf." i knew we had to go.

I was talking to my sister on her phone, scolding her for leaving the house late, when the countdown started. I didn't put the phone down because i knew i couldn't handle it alone. The event was sooooo Mommy.

"8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!"

And the lights were on. PASKO 2009 without Mommy around. The first of many christmases without the light of our home...

"Laksi na kamo, adi na, nagsuga na. May program pa. UP orchestra, playing christmas carols. Fast." (Rush over here, the lights are on already! But there's a program ongoing. UP Orchestra is playing christmas carols.)

For the life of me, i can't remember what carol the orchestra was playing when i felt tears roll down my cheeks. i was on emo mode & i didn't care if the people around me were looking at me in a funny way.

I miss her. We all miss her. And i guess missing her will just be a fact we will have to learn to live with.

Dwan texted that Rauf was enjoying the walk on university avenue, so i knew they were near. I hastily composed myself and walked towards their direction.

And when i saw Rauf i realized, i am the light now. His light. And my siblings and i, we are each other's light. Mom made sure of that.

As we sang christmas carols with the sidlings and enjoyed the company of the people around us, i offered up a quick prayer to God for Mom. "tell her we're okay. We'll be okay. Grant her eternal rest. She raised tough cookies, and we will survive."

to Mom i whispered, "it's Christmas. You were always big on christmas. I'll make sure Rauf enjoys his first pasko without you, as you would have wanted."

And the fireworks started. Rauf looked at the explosions with a mixture of awe, wonder & bewilderment.

I will be the light, Mom. I won't let you down.

beginnings

moving to a new house and setting it up for me, my son and my other housemates has been taking too much of my time and money, if not my mind.  but it's been an exciting week of moving stuff and cleaning and arranging furniture and ordering (affordable) appliances... the expensive stuff can follow later.  as long as everything works well, we're good to go for rauf's homecoming by the end of the week.  finally, i will get to sleep beside my son!!! wahooooo!!!

- - -

as icing on the cake, i am 2 hours shy of being smoke/nicotine-free for TWO DAYS.  i have not been experiencing any major withdrawal symptoms, except that there's a slight floaty-float-empty-feeling in my head.  no pain, just space. 

and i have been eating a lot.  i hope my body adjusts in a week. then i can start the new fitness regimen to the new me!  i'll be attending my first bellydancing class this saturday... i'm sure mommy would be happy to see me & dwan doing something together other than just shopping and drinking. hehehe.  next step, jogging with e.  good luck to me!

- - -

after the dust settles and we properly send off Mommy on her 40th day, maybe, just maybe, i will have time to sit back, think and plan.  and act.

for now, living and being and breathing and surviving is enough.

to thrive and flourish... that will follow. i am so sure it will follow.

;)

forms

three days after burying Mommy, i had to rush to the office to begin (and hopefully finish) collecting and collating the requirements i needed to attach to my scholarship application. 

it was october 28, the day i was supposed to leave for LA, and i couldn't help but be wistful of the fact that Mommy, the ever-supportive mother hen that she was, had been very excited and proud of me just three months before for getting my US visa on my own merits... even if i was grieving and faced with A MOUNTAIN (RANGE) of problems, i knew i had to face the music and fire away that application.  not for me, but for Mommy, who, i was sure, would not give me the end of day for giving up two opportunities for overseas travel in only one week.

so there i was, re-typing the whole application form because i couldn't tweak the .doc file and couldn't encode in the .pdf file, when i found it difficult to touch type...

mother's name... occupation: (big pause. tears roll down my cheeks...) DECEASED.

i called up my sister and couldn't get her on her cell. i texted her and e. 

and then i cried.

then i typed again...

and i just remembered to blog about this because i got a reminder today from personnel to submit my medical certificate to the sponsoring organization for them to process my application.

sigh.

i can't go to the hospital, ANY hospital, to get my lab tests done.

cannot.  will not.

not. just. yet.

refugee

because i dared to fight back and choose truth over (another, bigger) denial, i was ceremoniously kicked out of our house last thursday. Ceremoniously, because there was a 'decree' posted on the wall by my bedroom door, 'ordering' me to leave the house, for reasons which lady Justice, i am sure, will not even find acceptable.

After all, i pay a bigger share of the rent, and 1/3 of electricity & water & phone bils, and the monthly cable dues, and the yaya, and the helper. And more and more and more...

But this fight doesn't need THAT war, so i just chose not to go back to that house after work that day. And i am never going back to that house either, lest i myself be subject to another war which can just totally distract me from the real fight. But i digress...

So the fact of the matter is, i am homeless, while rauf spends this 'forced' quality time with his dad. After months of not supporting him, this decision was really a big 'gift' of sorts. Yes, i digress again. anyway, i have lots of friends who can let me stay over at their homes/ apartments/ units, but there is one little, cozy batcave in quezon city where i have constantly sought and previously found asylum.

And now, i have been granted temporary asylum, as usual, complete with all the amenities, space & perks the batcave & the Queen Bee have to offer.

So thank you, YOU. The most royal & kindest of bees also has the biggest heart i know.

And don't worry. We are scouring every nook & cranny of this, our beloved city, hoping against hope that we find OUR new playground, on a street & city address & with neighbors we can stomach.

Like her Queen Bee, this little fighter still has royal blood & personal interests to protect, after all. A refugee she may be, but an informal settler, never.

;-)

grateful

Thank you very much, from the bottom of our hearts, for condoling with us in the wake of the sudden demise of our beloved Mommy, Ma. Pamela Martillo Dumas.

Your prayers, visits, flowers, messages, financial support and companionship in our time of grief have helped, and continue to help, us survive this tragic moment in our lives.

Two weeks into Mom's death, and I'd like to think we have started picking up the pieces and facing the realities of life head on.  It was what our Mommy would have wanted. Today, my youngest brother, Seal, went to class for the first time since Mom left us.  It was his decision to go back to school (he's in 2nd year HS), and it made us all heave sighs of relief.  Life must, and should go on, no matter how difficult it actually is.

Again and again, THANK YOU, dearest friends and family.  Your gestures will never be forgotten.  We are blessed to be surrounded with people like you.


With much love and gratitude,

Apryll & Rauf, with
Dwan, Niccolo, Bullet, Lian, Brikko & Seal
aka
Beebye's 7 Fighters

arrivederci

But o heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red.
Where on the deck my Captain lies
Fallen cold and dead.
              - O Captain, My Captain (Walt Whitman)

I know that this is in accordance with the natural order of things - that children will bury their parents.  But i never expected it to happen this early and this soon.

As the eldest, I have been raised and trained with the requisite qualities, abilities, qualifications and values to step up and be the second parent when needed.  Mom was always proud of my strength, my intellect, my determination, even if she had had doubts about my being beautiful in the eyes of the opposite sex.  But i have Rauf now.

That aside, most of you know that I have been playing a big role in the family for some time now.  I have accepted it as part and parcel of the realities of being the Ate. The primus inter pares. The first among equals.  But mom was always there as our heart and soul.  Come to think of it, Mom was training us to the very end, making sure that the three days in the ICU would heal our own personal pains and forge deeper, stronger, more meaningful bonds among & between us her children, especially from Bullet down to Seal.

My friends know how much I love and how much I've sacrificed for my family, and it goes without saying that I and Rauf are velcroed to my, this family, forever.  Glued or stuck is harsh.  It means it will not budge or break unless broken.  But velcro? It works together: the soft, fluffy side and the rough, gritty side, meeting together and working together, until they have to be separated a bit to allow something or someone in or out, and then they have to be re-attached again to work as a whole.

Just like velcro, our family has both the soft, fluffy side and the rough, gritty side.  All families do.  And just like velcro, Mom was always balancing both sides and keeping us all together:  with laughter & tears, joy & sorrow, support & restraint, smiles & scoldings, soothing embraces & fighting words, comfort & tough love.

These past few months, the mechanics holding our velcro together were weakening.  The rough, gritty side had started rearing its ugly head, and the soft, fluffy side was slowly unravelling.  As the eldest and as the child of both parents, I chose not to take sides.  I wonder now how things would have turned out had I decided to do otherwise.  Well somehow I did, but any intervention I attempted to make was met with silence.  Whether it was an implied admission or a general denial, I know it may not matter to most of you now.  But it does to me, to us.  Because Mom is gone.

Mommy, in your ICU bed and in front of your coffin, I was always whispering to you to give me a sign.  I waited and waited... and you showed me the way last night.  Finally.  I will not let you down, Mommy.  We will not let you down.  This is not a question of loyalty, or of trust, or of societal norms.  But a commitment of love.

But Mommy, it's time to rest.  You have done more than your fair share of taking care of all of us - over, above & beyond what usual motherhood means.  You were our teacher & our friend.  You were always, always our biggest, proudest #1 fan.  You were the static and the guiding hand that kept us velcroed together.

And while I speak in the past tense, know that every little & big, normal & extraordinary thing you have done for us will always be in our hearts.  Never forgotten.  Always remembered.

Thank you, Mommy.  Sorry we never got to lavish you with everything your heart desired. 

Maybe God just wanted to take away all your pains and frustrations and disappointments.  Maybe at the end, the pride & joy we had given you as your children, and Rauf as your grandchild, were enough to make you happy, if not complete.
Maybe 18 months with your Rafael is enough to last him a lifetime.
Maybe 13 years with Seal was enough, so he can grow up to be his own man because you babied him so.
And maybe, just maybe, God took you away to teach all of us - Dwan, Niccolo, Bullet, Lian, Brikko, Seal and I, with Rauf, to really take care of each other & value each other, even without you here with us every second, of every minute, of every day.

It will be hard to pick up the scattered, broken pieces of what you have left behind.  You're a tough act to follow, Mom, but we will try.  Yes, we can. (Oh, how you loved Obama!) So yes, all 7 of us can. 

We will stand together.  We will be strong together.  Just as we survived and lived while you were alive, we will do our very best to live, laugh, cry, study, work, play, win, lose, feel, love, hope and fight... with your passion, with your strength.  All 7 of us, standing tall, proud, sure & decisive - and brave - as you would want & have taught us to be.

The future is ours for the taking, and we will seize it all together.  We will not let you down.

Go towards the light, Mommy.  Fly and go to God.  Do not worry about us.  Your death came swiftly, but you have left and will leave the fires of hope, love and courage burning within each one of us.  We will not let you down.

Rest in peace, Mommy.  Go to God and catch up with JP.

We love you always.  We will miss you always.

Until we meet again, Mommy.

Arrivederci.



-delivered at my Mommy's last mass on earth, 25 october 2009, Christ the King Seminary, Quezon City.

broken

While we continue to live, breathe, and try to go through the motions of a life that has suddenly taken a very difficult and bumpy bend, the very thought that i will never ever see my mom alive again just makes me want to give up on any sense of normalcy.

i cannot put into words what i feel and wish and hope for, since we suddenly lost our beloved Mommy to brain aneurysm on monday night... I don't think any child who has lost a parent can ever really express the depth & extent of the grief, the sense of loss, the painful reality that the woman who made their house a home is now gone...

But Mommy's body is still here. And she deserves the grandest production ever we can give her before we inter her body to the earth. She deserves the rock star treatment and all that jazz, and we will celebrate her life as she would want to.

So i continue breathing... Because Mom wouldn't want us doing otherwise. Because Mom deserves only the best from all seven of us. Because Mom was the life of every party, and she will have the biggest party we can ever give her.

Breathing is such an effort, knowing my Mom will never ever EVER breathe, smile, laugh, talk, sing, dance, walk and scold us again.

I miss her every day. Every single day...

I am in broken pieces. I wonder when i or any of my siblings will ever be whole again.

choice

to move Mom to a private room, so we can be with her 24/7 until her body gives in, until God takes her away from us...
or to let Mom stay in the sterile conditions of the ICU, where the clinical treatment of doctors and nurses and aides will be available to her 24/7, while her kids and the family can only visit her at 10minutes per schedule, 4 times a day.

i never imagined i would be facing this decision this early on in my life.
my youngest brother is only 13.
rauf is only 1.

but reality bites:
my Mom's kidneys are failing (or have failed).  dialysis is out because her blood pressure, which ranges only from 70/30 - 60/20, is too low.  her heart might not be able to handle more stress. 

realities. miracles.
they are colliding, conflicting worlds.

God help us.

prayers

i humbly ask for prayers for my mom, MARIA PAMELA NATALIA MARTILLO DUMAS, who is fighting for her life here at a hospital close to our quezon city home. Prayers that she wake up and come back to us, prayers that everything will be okay, prayers that she be strong enough for whatever God has planned for her...

She sufferred an aneurysm with massive bleeding to the brain. The prognosis doesn't look good, and the doctors have been upfront with us that the next 24hours are crucial. She is still responding to medication and is hooked to a respirator.

The sporadic 10-minute scheduled visits to the ICU keep us afloat.

My brothers, my sister and I, together with our very supportive martillo & dumas families, are doing fine. I ask that you pray for us too... That whatever is happening now, we will stay strong together and keep the Faith.

Thank you for all your messages, texts, calls. mommy is blessed to have you all praying for her... And we are very lucky to have you as friends & family.

But we have to storm the heavens with more prayers...

Please help us.

TAGAY!

Leyte hopes to kicks Spain's ass off the Guinness Book of World Records for the world's largest wine tasting event!

Kirigta kita ha McArthur Park & Leyte Landing Memorial on 18 October 2009.

Registration starts at 1pm.
Concert & program 1pm-3pm
RECORD ATTEMPT @ 3PM

Please bring relief goods for the victims of Typhoons Ondoy & Pepeng. We cannot in all conscience try to break a world record without a worthy cause.

Aside from the free tuba & bahalina, AnWaray Party List will be giving all participants mementos for attending the event.

So come one, come all...
KIRIGTA KITA NGATANAN HA TAGAY!!!

desire

I was honest and forthright when the panel asked me yesterday why i thought i deserved the official nomination of the house of representatives to the philippine selection for the latest round of the JICA young leaders program.

As far as young leaders go, I am a homegrown talent. I have spent the last ten years in the civil service, serving congress in different capacities as congressional staff, committee researcher, committee technical support officer and legal officer. all my opportunities for professional and personal advancement have fell on my lap all because of my own doing. the House secretariat itself has recognized my ability to lead when it previously appointed me to chair the employee electoral board, for which i got rave reviews. And the truth is, this is the FIRST time i have even been considered for a program like this.

We were asked what we thought about the effects of foreign governments sponsoring 'educational excursions' like this, and i answered the panel as honestly as i could: whichever way you look at it, this is still an opportunity to expose myself to another culture, another way of thinking, probably a more efficient & effective method of doing things. No matter how short the course may be (3 weeks), the knowledge & experience gained from the trip will still have an impact on my personal & professional growth. Of course your 'colonial' psyche will ante up. Of course you will be 'grateful' to the foreign government for this chance. But at the end of it all, it will still be my sense of nationalism and pride which will play a big role during and after the program.

So now i await the decision of the house committee on scholarship and training grants. Part of me knows i got it, but the saner part of me knows i have to wait for the official word.

Cross your fingers with me :)

TAGAY!

by Philip Jude Acidre, An Waray Regional Coordinator


In a bid to promote the local coconut industry as well as to showcase the cultural heritage of Eastern Visayas, AN WARAY is scheduled to hold the 2nd Oktubafest on October 17 to 18, 2009. The highlight of this year’s celebration is the attempt to break and set a new record for the World’s Largest Tuba Wine-tasting Event, which will be attended by 7,107 participants and wine-drinkers to be held on October 18, 2009 at the MacArthur Leyte Landing Monument, Government Center, Palo, Leyte.

These past weeks, however, a series of typhoons and flooding has affected a significant portion of Northern and Central Luzon as well as Metro Manila and has adversely caused the evacuation of thousands of our fellow Filipinos. While AN WARAY has not remised in its responsibility to assist in the relief and rehabilitation efforts, we still feel that much more needs to be done in order to alleviate the sad plight of those affected by these natural calamities.

With this in mind, AN WARAY has decided to make the upcoming celebration of the Oktubafest, especially the wine-tasting event, into “Tagay for a Cause” a community campaign to collect relief goods from those kind hearts who are still willing to share some more to those in need in these trying times.

In this regard, we would like to appeal to your generosity to join us in this relief effort by donating relief goods for this cause and by personally delivering them to the designated collection booths at the Oktubafest venue.

It is our hope that through this event, we will not only showcase our wine products and cultural heritage, but with our selfless giving, we can together present to the whole nation and to the whole world the caring hearts and helping hands that prove the best in the people of Eastern Visayas.

For more information, please contact (O53) 323 4279 or simply leave a message/comment here. Thanks!

alone

i am squeezing strength out of solitude.

when all you hear is noise and cries for help, add to that insinuations of selfishness and apathy, all you want to do is curl up and shut everything out. 

except that i am a single mom, and an eldest child, and a working professional, and the other half of a new relationship.  just thinking about it makes me balk.

e has been a God-send during these turbulent times, and i seek strength in his presence as much as i can.  but i do not want to burden him with my own sh*t, considering he has much of his own to deal with.  what we can do together, we will.  but i don't expect him to carry my load.  such is not the way i handle my life. (and he doesn't get that part of me yet.)

my little boy is coping.  being awakened at dawn by unidentified, loud sounds can wreak havoc on anyone's psyche.  if it bothers us, i'm pretty sure it affects him a lot too.  if only i could remove him from the situation, i would.  but where would we go?

the siblings are great.  i even think they're handling things better than me.  i hope they realize that i am taking this stand because of my position in the family and because i need to protect myself too.  one wrong move could adversely affect any of my chances for a good future, considering how persons in illucid intervals can do evil things sans concern for the other party (in this case, me.).

how can i take the blame for something which was not my doing?  how can i be accused of apathy when i have done what i can to change the course of things, only to remain unheard and unnoticed?

this is not my battle to fight.  but i will protect whoever and whatever i can.  up to my last breath, up to the bare frays of whatever cords hold us.

i tread this particular path alone... with e, with friends, with family, but still alone.

because this role is mine and mine alone to play.  and i hope i'm playing it right.

or else i bear the risk of losing not just myself, but my very foundation for being.

inutile

i am rendered inutile by the wrath of nature and the tendency of man to err.

i feel so helpless and useless in the face of these adversities, all beyond my personal control.  no matter how much i try to swim and stay afloat, there are times, such as these recent weeks, when the undercurrent is so strong, and i would rather be swept away than hold my ground and fight.

but i have never given up a fight. any fight. my positive act against nature is to offer whatever i have of myself towards all the relief efforts going on around me.  on man's propensity to err, i can only swallow my pride and seek solace in the warmth of friends.

to be able to face these head on and stand my own (high) ground is my wish.  such is my only succor in the face of all these tragedies.

escape

if only i could, i would escape far, far away... for weeks, for months.

i don't want to be dragged into a battle that is not mine to fight.

but of course, i can't leave rauf behind.  never.  ever.  never.

in three weeks, i will be leaving the country.  to think, to relax, to have fun, and hopefully, to find more of myself and the me that is slowly fading into nothingness.

before i leave, everything has to be in order for rauf. 

and the battle, i hope, will be resolved by then.

if only things were that easy.

if only...

sigh.

curse

it is hard to be the eldest in a big family.  i can feel the weight on my shoulders, and for once, i want out. 

being firstborn is a curse this time around.  the blessings elude me.  no matter how much you remind me, i'd rather forget. for now.

can i tender my resignation effective this very second?

to be selfish. to be free.

kismet

because there are times when you just cannot understand every nook, cranny and corner of the deepest recesses of your mind, you dive to stay afloat.

and maybe, just maybe, the floating will not turn to flailing, and you will learn how to swim and ride the waves.

Fate has a funny way of playing games. 

to be the player is such a comfort, to be played is such a novelty.

let the game begin.

sleeptalk

i do it sometimes. My brothers do it often. Worse, when one of my brothers is talking in his sleep, you can talk to him and he'll answer right back... while he stays asleep.

So imagine my surprise when i heard rauf, at the ripe old age of 17mos & 8 days, talking & laughing in his sleep just a few minutes ago.

Maybe he was dreaming that he was playing with me & his yaya, because he kept calling out our names ('ate/ati/achi' = me, because that's what everyone at home calls me, and 'yani/achiya' = his new yaya ate lanie).

It was funny. And weird. And i have to do research on this, because isn't he too young to be talking in his sleep, no matter how happy he sounded?

:)

september bar blues

my lawyer-dad, a proud true-blue aquilan & atenean, would always tell me while i was growing up: when you go to law school, you have to join a sorority.  you will not survive law school and the bar without joining one.

most of you know that the rebel in me prevailed:  i went to law school on my own terms (my finances could only support a UP Law education and nothing else) and at my own time.  and i never joined a sorority.

but the lessons from dad stayed.  although i realized i could survive law school even if i chose the 'barbarian' life (yessireee, those who opt not to join the greek-lettered-associations are the barbarians. go figure.), i wanted to be sure i wouldn't be clueless when it came to my bar so as early as my freshman year, i volunteered for barops.  and i have been doing it since, walang absent, walang na-miss na taon.

for those not in the know, barops is the shortened term for bar operations.  general barops is making sure that the examinee has everything s/he needs, and trying your bestest to provide all the last-minute tips available. 

barops as i usually do it covers the whole milieu of a bar examinee's needs from the time he manifests his intent to take the bar, to the last bar sunday.  from the academic requirements (requesting for the university transcript), to the materials (photocopying reviewers, tips, pre-week reviewers of other law schools from previous years, borrowing books, etc.), to the basic (driving to/from the hotel, driving to/from the exam venue, special food requests, bar exam lunch baon, phone-in calls from loved ones, etc.) needs and wants of man... the bar examinee just needs to tell me, and i will try my damnedest to deliver.  this type of barops, though, i only do for really close friends and relatives and classmates who have been left behind. 

the funniest barops i had was when i was the head of the evening barops, and one of our examinees called the headquarters, specifically requesting to talk to me.
him: uhm, apryll, big favor naman. pabili sana.
me: yep? ano kelangan? bakit di nyo sinabi sa kids?
him: eh kasi, nakakahiya...
me: ano? condom? (though i was doubtful. they were 3 guys in a room. but then again...)
him: ikaw talaga, gaga. hindi, nakakahiya talaga...
me: e ano nga... iuutos ko yan, don't worry, di ako bibili...
him:  uhm.  wala kaming dalang toothbrush eh.  2 kami.  ayaw namin yung sa hotel.
me: susme, yun lang pala. ok ok. coming right up. haha. anong brand?
........ (details of the purchase)
him: thank you! thank you talaga!
(nakakahiya ba talagang magpabili ng toothbrush sa iba?)

this year is turning out to be quite a challenge.  i have two very close friends taking it, and i'm doing the personal thing: as in the works.  and for the first time EVER in my whole barops career, i had to drive around malate on a friday night looking for a videoke spot because, yes, my examinees wanted to sing their hearts out.  after videoke, we had to drive waaaay up north, and ended up being bumped by a 16-wheeler truck from behind. (crazy stuff, i swear.) and on saturday night, one of my friends was running a fever. (first time ko din 'to.)  and on lunch break in between the exams last sunday, one of my alagas didn't go out and meet me at the designated spot.  (wala syang baon kasi ayaw nya magdala.)

what a way to celebrate my 10th year of barops duties, eh?

but i will persevere... i survived barops for my girlfriends who took it all together in 2004, which was not without its own comedies and tragedies. and yes, they survived mine.

this is my personal annual mission:  to do barops for the privileged ones i call friends and/or family, and to provide as many materials as i can for An Waray barops, which is my pet project in the party. (yes, if you have been the recipient of any bar materials from An Waray in the past years, you can thank me & Cong. Bem properly if you want to. haha. kidding.)

every year, without fail, you will see me trekking to sheraton and taft for barops.  and no one can question the high i feel during every salubong, when i heave a sigh of relief and think, "next year uli."

so to wryl and thad and minnie and japs and jay and garet and sheryl and gemma and crislyn and all the other names listed on the An Waray official barops list:  use us and abuse us now for all i care.  but just go and do your friggin' best in the bar.  because trust me, you don't want to go through that whole sh*t ever again. 

at para sa inyong lahat, 2009 bar examinees, "may you never pass this way again."

cheers!

of forging ties and cutting strings

the dating game has always been a game to me.  it could be a game of cat and mouse, with the lines blurred as to who is the predator and the prey, with the roles eventually ending up with, fortunately or unfortunately, me as the cat.  most of the time, it's a good old game of patintero, with the taunting and the teasing and the running around, until you catch the one who's "it" off-guard, and run home free to enter the premises with cunning, possibly charm, and a whole lot of strategy, and claim your own homebase.


i am trying to be a mute witness to the numerous games going on around me at the moment, and despite my perceived "silence" and "acquiescence", for the first time in history, i have chosen the safe ground: caution.  because when things don't go as we have hoped for, the heartaches we may unintentionally cause could bring about a dearth of unexpected consequences, foremost among which would be guilt.  but we are all mature adults (i hope) and we all know what we have chosen to get ourselves into (i hope, again and again), and at the end, it is that hope that matters... that whatever happens, it is the beauty and madness of finding excitement and thrill in the dating game, and the possibility of love and/or friendship that may result.


when we date, we hope.  if not for love and companionship, then even for just a taste of it.  or we find yet another friend who will understand us.  (trust me, no one can have too many friends.  it is sifting through these friends to find the authentic from the fake that becomes a challenge later on.)  the stronger of us will move on after a bad date, or a break-up, or a separation.  the weak, well, they eventually do catch up, although it may take them longer to heal.


but when things don't go well, it is hard to put up pretenses of being "okay" and "fine" and just go through the motions of daily living.  because when we date, there are rules and regulations of the game.  i haven't experienced the western style of dating, so i wouldn't know if they are the same as the unwritten rules over here.  (is there such a thing as the universal rules of dating? or should we all just go with the flow?)  but i, for one, even if i haven't been on the dating circuit for such a long time, know this:  communication is key.  there is no such thing as being too busy to communicate.  when you become busy, then there is a lack or absence of the effort to communicate, which is already a telltale sign of an actual lack or absence of interest.  when that red flag is up, cut that string clean and fast, and move on.


am i ready to date? i don't know.  i haven't done it for the longest time.  but if my friends who have been scorned and scarred can date, then maybe so can i.  emotionally and psychologically, i think i am ready to play the game again.  play and get caught, or play and play over and over.  but this time, my rules, if any, have changed.  the ties i forge or the strings i cut will not be easy to make, all because i have to be more responsible now.  heck, i'm not in the market for a husband. not yet. that tie i cannot forge just yet.  let me be clear on that. communication is one thing i hold dear, so i might as well be crystal clear on that aspect. 


but to play... yes, i think i'm game.  and so are my friends.  singlehood has never been this exciting and complicated.  but i think we're all fair game anyway, rules be damned.


- - -

this post is for me and for all my friends out there who are forging ties and cutting strings and just having fun.  you know who you are.  cheers!

random ramblings

i am so stuck with a list of deadlines past and near-future.  i can't seem to keep up.  it's so hard writing memoranda and legal opinions when (1) you honestly believe that there's no way out if you stick to black-letter law yet know that there are excuses left somewhere in the gray areas in between, (2) you have this stinking feeling of being dumped with more work than your supposed co-equals yet you all receive the same salaries and benefits, and (3) you are so friggin' tired of reading commentaries and cases and googling for eloquent statements you can paraphrase to lengthen your own writing and eventually, you still end up with grammatically-correct (believe me, it matters. if not for anything else, this has made me shine. unfortunately) yet mediocre output.

i can feel the dive coming.  and i have no strength and will left to heave, sigh and move on.  but i know i must.

- - -

i can't help but feel sorry for a friend who assumed a position of authority early this year.  her predecessor just spent her work days playing bookworm and listening to music while waiting for her extended retirement to lapse.  but this friend of mine?  thanks and no thanks to her genes, is now stuck with most of the office work (official and otherwise), despite the existence of a hierarchy which should be up and running, considering that they regularly receive their salaries and humongous allowances.  sad sad sad.

- - -

how can one selfish, inconsiderate b*stard affect the contractual relations of one government agency with a private company?  because of his continued refusal to settle his personal obligations, the private company is threatening to withhold and suspend all benefits supposedly to be utilized by the government agency.

and the bastard can't be found. he's too slick. he has two padrinos in the legislature and backing from a very influential family.  i just think that if you're that callous and well-connected anyway, why not just settle your obligations instead???  this seriously, positively affects my own personal growing clamor for noynoy to wrestle that LP presidential nomination away from... you all know who. :)

- - -

rauf is on "book four" of his life diary.  and he's growing so fast.  he knows money is precious and would move heaven and raise hell to grab that peso bill from anyone who waves it near him.  and he loves dancing to calle ocho. with matching butt wiggles. precious.

- - -

considering the fullness of my daily schedule, i'm stuck thinking if i really have "a life".  despite all my complaints, i still enjoy what i do and i love my job for allowing me to grow as a professional and as a civil servant.  (honestly, i still believe that there is hope for the philippine bureaucracy to stop being bureaucratic and be more responsive.  i try to do my own share, and i think i'm good at it.)  but, yes, do i have "a life"? maybe.  i am blessed with friends and family and rauf.  and maybe not just now, at this exact moment, when i'm neck deep in work.  i sooo deserve that break coming up in two months. yessssss.

- - -

this release is just what i needed.  now i have to get some lunch, and then get back to work.  i am definitely drinking at least 2 margaritas tonight.  this MONTH has been hell, this week most of all.

carpe diem!

touching base

i'm still good friends with one of my ex-es. I used to not count him as an ex because when we were together, we didn't have the usual bf-gf rules. But an ex is an ex is an ex, i guess, in whatever shape, height, iq level or nomenclature.

So anyway, this ex started as & has always been a very good, dear friend. we've gone on & had other relationships (and other ex-es) but we've always kept in touch, mostly through text or the sporadic phone call. Looking back, i think since we 'parted ways', we've tried to hang out at least once a year, just to catch up on things. The chances of meeting up would be higher if one of us was in crisis mode (like me needing him for an emergency case or him calling me for urgent legal stuff), or when the advice of our regular best friends wouldn't be enough in really big, monumental events (like him realizing that he failed his last relationship or me realizing the same with mine). You know, stuff.

(hey, if i were in serious trouble now or in the future, he still would be the first one i'd call, presuming he doesn't change his number.)

i know some, or most, people don't understand the depth of the friendship that we have. And yes, this has always been a sensitive issue with our respective partners (though i obviously don't have one now. He does.). But ours is a friendship tested through time, our own failed relationship, and the successive loves, aches & issues that both of us went through with others. It's also an investment, personally & career-wise, for both of us. Quid pro quo.

And now... He's so in love with his 'good luck charm' and i'm happy for him. (for real. Honest to goodness real. And i'm not being defensive.) and for once, i believed him when he said he wants this relationship to really work, because... Because... Every two sentences or so, the name X would come out in the conversation and he would literally, actually beam, it was so funny (those who know him would understand why). I'd even harness a play at the word 'gushing' even if it really doesn't fit his personality.

I wished them well. I wish them well.

And when i got off the car, i told him he had to set me up with someone soon. He laughed and told me that he'd try, but not to bet on it. And he told me to kiss rauf for him.

Then i realized: i just went through hours of hearing his girl's name & i even offered to meet her soon. Him? He saw my son's pics & videos but he rejected being ninong, missed the baptism, forgot the birthday & those ordinary lets-have-coffee-i'll-pick-you-up days when he could have seen rauf.

I so totally get it. Or not.

C'est la vie.

the nanny diary #1

when i gave birth to rauf, i didn't have a nanny. Yes, my mom was there, ready to help & take over when i got too tired, but basically, it was just me & rauf. Rauf & i... For two whole months. Then i had to go back to work.

Karen was a good first yaya (nanny, in Filipino). Very eager, on the pretty side, dependable (only because i knew my mom would never leave them). unfortunately, it turned out she was also pregnant, and had only taken on the job because she had to leave the province pronto, else she earn the ire of her parents. The duplicity was shocking, and i couldn't allow her to give birth under my watch & my roof. I let her go.

At around the same time karen arrived, ate delia was recommended by my aunt, who was very concerned i might not be able to concentrate at work if rauf had no yaya & my mom had no helper.

the original dynamics actually went like this: i would go to work. Mom would take care of rauf because she didn't trust anyone else. Karen would step in to let my mom eat or rest, but only when rauf was sleeping himself. Ate Delia was the cook & all-around helper. I would take over caring for Rauf when i arrived from work until the following morning when i'd have to leave again.

When Karen had to leave, Rauf was old enough to be handled by a yaya already. So at 6months old, mom endorsed the care of Rauf to yaya Delia. Save for the 3 weeks in june when yaya D went awol, they've been together since. (yes, i take over as soon as i get home.)

I know i wouldn't survive without my mom & yaya D. i'd be lost & grasping at straws without them. It's a difficult thing when you have a career and still want to be the best mother you can possibly be. You have to swallow your pride & oc-oc-ness and accept the fair level of help needed, with the exercise of maximum tolerance. But all this you can only do when you know, deep down, that the yaya really cares about the well-being of your child, sans the threats of lawsuits. (haha. I really can't help that)

So why am i writing about this now? Because the yaya who loves rauf has been having family troubles since june. And she went awol last june, as previously mentioned. And 2 weeks after coming back in mid-july, she went home for 3 days, 2 nights. And now, she again went home. This is her third night away.

I can't take it anymore. But she loves rauf & takes care of my son very well. i want her out of my employ, but i'm thinking 'sayang' because she's really a good yaya.

i don't know what to do.

a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

margaritas are my new san mig light. 3 orders & the buzz just happens, sans the carbo & tummy issues that beer brings.

Beer is comfort, like hanging out with good friends. Margaritas are a notch higher, kinda close to beer but not quite, like spending quality time with really good friends, not quite caring what tomorrow might bring. Suffice it to say, when i need to 'chillax', margaritas are IT. And i need to just chill. Really.

I am a big fan of absolut kurant + clear soda, but i associate that drink more with patrick, who, around 8 or so years ago, would guzzle them with me like there was no tomorrow. he has been sober for 3 years. And hey, i've never been a drunk. Seriously. So when pat told me he couldn't share a drink with me, i stopped my affair with absolut. No wonder that 1liter bottle stashed in monti's trunk has been forgotten.

But no matter how often (2x a week tops!) or what kind of alcohol you consume, here's the deal: it will always, ALWAYS taste better when shared with friends, over good pulutan & exxxciting conversation.

Cheers to friends who make the supposedly lonely nights easier... We can never dissect any issue to the minutest detail. Ever. But just hanging out & having fun while trying just to get that delicious, happy buzz... Priceless.

the future of democracy

my favorite female political icon is cory aquino. 

my high school essays were either about her or peppered with references about the Filipinos' achievements in edsa.  my law school entrance exam essay was about the spirit of edsa and cory aquino's influence on philippine politics. and when i applied to become a philippine delegate to the international student week in ilmenau, germany in 2003, my application essay was about cory aquino, edsa and philippine democracy.

when i got accepted to the conference, all i was concerned about were my travel plans, funding sources and finding a travel buddy.  i couldn't care less about being academically prepared for the focus group i was going to participate in:  "the future of democracy, group A."  i thought i could hack it, believing i knew everything there was to know about democracy, the philippine experience and all that jazz.  i was, after all, a law student who had passed consti law 1 and had even read the annex to the philippine constitution.  i knew that the sovereign will of the Filipino people shall always be above the Constitution because of edsa.

on our first break-out session and after making our introductions for the second time that day, i distinctly remember someone tapping my shoulder and telling me that she was from belarus and had read all about the "edsa revolution" and could i tell her how the philippines did it.

i was prepared to talk about edsa, what happened in edsa and why the people came together at that time.  but to tell someone from another country HOW we did it was beyond me.

so i told her everything i knew.  that the people were just basically tired of marcos and the way he was running the country.  that there was this brave man named ninoy who was marcos' archenemy, and that to the filipino people, ninoy was the anti-thesis of marcos.  that on the day ninoy arrived, he was gunned down at the tarmac before he even set foot on philippine soil.  that the people had given him the largest ever funeral known in philippine history (as far as i knew).  that his wife cory, a homemaker, later took on his fight.  and that the filipino people fought the fight with her.  but how we did it, i didn't really know.  i opined that it was a conglomeration of events and passions, all geared towards gaining back the freedom that our country and people had once enjoyed.

i also told her about edsa 2 and how cory played a major role in toppling down yet another president in 2001.

she was looking at me with amazement the whole time i was telling her the greatest political story i have ever known in my lifetime, and when i finished, she just said, "i think we need a leader like your Cory."

my heart swelled with pride.  here was a foreigner wishing she had a leader like the one we had, believing that the philippine experience was worth emulating in her own country.

all these memories came rushing back when i found out that cory had died. 

i didn't cry at first, because i really believed that her dying made her reach that happy place where she couldn't anymore experience all the pain caused by her cancer.  while the whole country was praying for her recovery, i was praying for God to put an end to all her suffering.  but when i saw kris on tv, sharing her grief and the whole story to the world, i was crying with her.  she had lost a mother.  the philippines had lost a leader.  i had lost an icon.

the two-and-a-half hour wait to see cory's remains lying in state at la salle greenhills was worth it.  i knew i had to pay my respects, and the five seconds we were allowed to see her was more than enough.  she looked peaceful, and i believed my prayers were right on the mark.

the following day, a monday, i was driving to work and thinking about the surreal experience i had just went through when i felt tears falling.  i had to slow down and get a grip on myself.  yet the tears kept flowing. 

it dawned on me that i wasn't crying just for cory. nor for the country.  but for myself, for losing a beacon of hope in my firm grip on the ideals of democracy, freedom and the common good, things which i continue to work for in my own little way.  at that moment, i didn't know if there was, or is, anyone else left to look up to and emulate.  and that was, and is, the sad truth.

the grateful crowd that sent off cory was a fitting tribute to the woman, mother and leader that she was to our country and to our people. 

i was there.  i was wet, tired and hungry, but i had to say goodbye.  i waited for five hours for her to pass by.  and when she did, i was proudly chanting her name and flashing the Laban sign.  and i clapped with the throng, in gratitude for everything that she allowed us to regain in edsa:  our sovereignty, our dignity, and our pride as a people.

and in my heart of hearts i vowed i would do my best to protect the future of democracy in the philippines.  in my own way, in my own little way.

rest in peace, president aquino.  this humble civil servant will never forget you.

7-8-09, 8:00AM (or the US embassy story)

(or, also, how to apply for a US visa.  yes, there's a guide there somewhere. just read between the lines.)

- - -

this story is a BIG THING for me.  i am the only one in my immediate family who has travelled outside asia.  our family is not well off, totally middle-class, shifting between lower-middle and middle-middle depending on the circumstances.  we may be a wee bit well-known back in the province, but as far as my childhood goes, vacations within the country was "it".  i was not fortunate enough to visit disneyland when i was a kid, or to spend weekends shopping in hongkong, or to go to the singapore zoo to see my first giraffe.  and while i was growing up, i never dreamed of living abroad because no member of my immediate clan (brothers and sisters of my parents) lived outside the philippines.  but boy did i imagine myself just travelling... just getting on a plane and visiting all those places i would learn about in school and read about in the encyclopedias and magazines and novels i would devour page by page.  naturally, i want something more for rauf. so much more.  and now that i have my tourist visa, i will make sure that rauf will not feel like a kid when he visits disneyland in anaheim or orlando just like i did, because he will still be a kid when he sets foot there. 

- - -

i got my spanking new, fresh machine-readable passport from the department of foreign affairs last february, after i decided i was pushing through with my plans to fly to the united states this year because i was planning to take the new york bar this july. (incidentally, the exam is two weeks from now. good luck, m!)  well i tried to study and prepare for that bar, but rusty study skills and rauf's first birthday party planning resulted in my finishing only two subjects after two months. yes, one subject per month.  not good.  i just couldn't hack it.  if i would take the bar, i'd make sure i'd pass. (oh, how easy to say! hahaha!) so i decided to shelve the nybe dream.  but i had a new passport. (yeah, yeah, you know...) and it was clean, and unstamped. and unmarked. 

for some reason, i belong to that group of people who need to make sure that the travel stuff they possess have some semblance of utility value. (or is it just me?)  i remember i got my old green passport two weeks before flying to germany in 2003 to attend a student conference.  for that, i received my schengen visa a week before flying to frankfurt.  and my official red passport?  i only applied for it five days before leaving for the us in 2007.  our A2 visa was issued a day before we were to fly to los angeles to attend another conference in uc riverside, among other reasons for travelling (foremost among which was the fact that the trip was fully paid for by our very generous committee chairman).  in short, what would i do with a "useless" passport?  i wanted to travel but no one wanted to come with me to hongkong or bangkok or cambodia.  so pending other planned and more concrete asian trips, i decided to get a visa.  even if i had no actual scheduled trip out of the country, having a visa would still be a marking, a stamp on the clean, pristine pages of my new passport, albeit an expensive and stressful (and yes, mayabang) one.  besides, i've been wanting to get one since i visited in 2007.  also, i had reasons to go.  the resources?  Fate will provide. i so know it will.

but because i was vacillating about my (real? contrived? imagined? fantasized?) reasons for going to the us, i put off applying for my visa up until end of may when i had some down time at work and decided to just go to BDO to pay the $131 visa application processing fee.  i paid the peso equivalent (PhP 6,288.00) of the application fee, and then i went online and paid $10 to enroll at the visapoint site to schedule my interview.  (trust me. everything is there in the us embassy site.)

most of you know by now how i put much faith in Fate and the signs it throws my way.  so when i went online and saw that the next available interview schedule was july 7 onwards, and that i couldn't possibly choose a tuesday because my car is coding on that day (english ba yun? car is coding???), i naturally chose july 8.  the circles were auspicious. (hey, i'm chinky-eyed when i smile.) it was fate.  i clicked the date and 8:00AM was the earliest schedule left.  hmmm... all those 8s looked darn good to me, never mind that when i was doing the scheduling, i only had around PhP 180,000 more or less in my bank account, under my name.  i confirmed my interview appointment right then and there. 

i didn't want to go the embassy unprepared.  everyone around me who knew about my application would tell me that i had nothing to fear.  i'm a lawyer who works for the government.  i've been to europe, and around asia, and the us (though i always reminded them that it was on an A2 visa - other government official class).  i never overstayed.  i always came back.  according to them, it was a sure thing.  but this was a different thing:  all my previous visas were practically pre-approved.  i had never been really interviewed for a visa. (my schengen visa didn't count. i was seated on a couch, telling the consular officer i was sorry i hadn't filed my application sooner because i wasn't sure i could raise my fare money.  and that was it.) and this was the first time my reason for applying would be "vacation/holiday/pleasure".  i was scared shitless.  i hate being turned down.  so i buckled down to get ready.  angels helped me along the way, and am i ever glad to have them on my side.

certificate of employment and service record, check. 
bank balance certification, check. 
certificate of time deposit, check. 
ITRs, check. 
certificate of admission to the bar, check. 
certification from an waray (just in case i open my big mouth), check. 
car papers, check. 
rauf's picture and birth certificate (hello. my son's not coming with me. who told you i don't plan to come back???), check. 
articles of partnership of our law firm, forgotten due to MP-AJTMD crisis (haha). 
real estate properties, zero. (i prefer to be liquid. yeah right. haha.)

mentally, i had this picture of me standing in front of the embassy counter in my usual friendly-but-still-mataray apryll mode.  my friend wryl, a former consular officer for the italian embassy, told me to be formal but cool, not to be too eager, to smile at the appropriate times, and to dress in casual business attire.  in short, be the usual me.  and act as if you really didn't care whether you get the visa or not.

despite all the psychological stuff going through my head the day before the interview, i had to attend an emergency firm meeting over dinner (when its anything and everything about the MP, it must be a firm matter).  it was also the night of the michael jackson memorial, and i had decided that i wouldn't miss it for the world.  with an 8:00AM schedule, i was supposed to be at the embassy at least one hour before.  so i told my mom to make sure i was up by 5am.  but i waited until after usher, jermaine jackson and paris made me cry... and until after that reverend gave the closing prayer before going to sleep.  it was 4:30am and i was scared i wouldn't wake up.  after all the planning, wheedling, and strategizing, i couldn't believe i would miss the interview only because of michael jackson.  (mom finally made me get up from bed at 6:15, because i refused to open my eyes earlier than that. no kidding.)

i drove like a madwoman from quezon city to roxas boulevard in under 15 minutes (yes, even if it was a wednesday-baclaran day morning), texted my mom i was already parked across the embassy, hid my cellphone in one of the compartments (no cellular phones and any other electronic equipment allowed) and after an obligatory last cig because smoking/lighters were also not allowed inside (and boy did i have a reason to puff my nerves away), i walked towards the embassy which represents most pinoys' quest for greener pastures.

frankly, once i was in line and was entering the embassy gates, i wasn't nervous anymore.  when i crossed the width of roxas boulevard, i knew that this was a done deal for me.  approved or denied, what matters is i tried.  there were already a lot of people inside, but you wouldn't feel
disoriented.  these embassy people had the procedure down to a science.  i was so lucky to see golda, a batchmate from law school, and nino, a college dormmate and orgmate, there.  it wasn't going to be an arduous, lonely wait for me. whew.  so i was pretty much relaxed while waiting, talking to golda about the many apprehensions that led to that day and that time.  we were swapping stories about lawyers we knew whose applications were denied for reasons we couldn't fathom.  and we all wished each other luck.

oh.  as an aside, i got ticked off (but i didn't tell golda lest she mistake me for a really, really oc-oc person and leave me) when the woman in pre-screening FOLDED my DS-156 & DS-157 horizontally and stuck it between the pages of my passport.  after DAYS of making sure my forms were crease-free, that woman didn't even have the sensitivity to fold the forms cleanly and evenly. (tabingi!!! bad trip!!!)  after taking a few deep breaths, i let it go.  what mattered were the contents of the forms, not how they looked. hehehehe.

after finger-scanning (Good Morning! Full name please. Okay, left fingers please.  Okay, right fingers please. Okay, thumbs please. Thank you!), the long wait started.  there were some people in line between me and golda so we lost each other just when i needed her the most. (hehe. totoo 'to, promise. kahit may dala akong libro, mas masarap may kausap 'no?!!!)  i was seated beside a nice enough guy, a bit older than i, who was travelling to the us for an important business meeting.  it was also his first time.

thirty minutes into the wait, a special counter was opened to accommodate some government employees/officials who were travelling to the us to attend conferences: 2 policemen from laguna (i'm guessing, because their patch had the image of jose rizal's bust) and 5 lawyers/staff from the bureau of customs.  it was so weird, because their interview questions were broadcast for all and sundry to hear.  (it would have been really fun if we could have heard their answers, i swear.)  suffice it to say, everyone waiting had a blast "eavesdropping."

to policeman1:  How sure are you that attending this conference will help you in your job?  Can you be specific?  So is the government paying for your trip?
to policeman2:  You've been to the US before for training.  Now you're attending a conference.  Can you tell me about any specific application to your job that you can get from attending all these conferences?

to customs1:  Are you sure you are doing your job apprehending violators of customs laws?  What specific violations of the IP Law have you handled?  How many cases have you actually filed?
to customs2:  Before you joined the bureau, you were into private practice?  So why did you move to the Bureau?  (silence)  Oh, because it's more stable?  Isn't it because of the pay? (laughter...)

all these interviews ended with "okay. i am approving your visa. just wait for our ___ division to send you back your passports..."

when it was almost my turn, i stood up, stretched, and meditated.  not for anything else, but i REFUSED to have my application denied.  and i told the Universe and the Fates just that.  i found golda and we talked a bit, wished each other luck again, and my number came up.  i said a quick prayer and walked to the counter at the other end of the room.  my consular officer was a woman.  for some reason, i so wanted her to be a man.  i'm more charming with men! (e totoo naman di ba?)

Consular Officer (CO):  Good morning!
Me:  Hi! Good morning! (smile)
(clackety-clack-clack-clack-clack....)
CO: Oh, so you've been to the US before? What visa was issued to you?
(clackety-clack-clack... i wonder if it was true that she was
seeing/reading something on her computer monitor or that's part of
their psychological shit.  pero maingay yung keyboard nya, promise.)
Me: Yes, in 2007. I was issued an A2 visa.
(clackety-clack-clack)

CO:  How long did you stay there?
(clackety-clack-clack)
Me: Just three weeks. It was my first time so I just saw the usual sights.
(clackety-clack-clack)

CO:  Why do you want to travel to the US?
(clackety-clack-clack)
Me: I need a vacation.  I haven't travelled outside the country for almost 2 years now.  I figured I'd do the big thing and spend my holiday there. (smile widely)
(clackety-clack-clack)

CO:  Who will you visit there?
(clackety-clack-clack)
Me: My uncle lives in Orange County, in Mission Viejo.  And i plan to visit my friends both in the east and west coasts. (o di ba? eat your heart out. may pera ako!)
(clackety-clack-clack)

CO: How much do you earn in the House of Representatives?
(clackety-clack-clack)
Me: (ooooopppssss. says measly amount.).  But we have a lot of allowances and bonuses (significant pause)  and i have a private practice.  (at this point, i just wanted to shut up because i didn't have our articles of partnership with me)
(clackety-clack-clack)

CO:  Hmmm. You've been working at the House for how long?
(clackety-clack-clack)
Me: Almost 10 years this year. (beams. oh really. believe me.)
(clackety-clack-clack)

CO:  Do you have family here? (i was seriously imagining her seeing my numerous pictures with rauf posted online. honest.)
(clackety-clack-clack)
Me:  Oh yes! I have a 1 year old son and my whole family and I live together here in manila. (smile smile, thinking, "cute ng anak ko 'no???")
(clackety-clack-clack)

pause...

CO:  Okay. (smiles) I'm approving your visa.  Enjoy your holiday in the US!
Me: Thank you. I'm sure I will.

it was over. done. in less than 5 minutes.  all my documents were useless.  but boy were they such a source of comfort and confidence on the days leading up to the day of all days.

after that, i went to golda and just hugged her (hehe, close na kami siguro. pwede na ba yun, golds?), because i was relieved i was done and because i thought my good luck might rub off on her. (ngyark.)

so golda got her visa.  and that guy beside me. and nino's baby.  so everyone who more or less mattered to me that day left the embassy grounds happy, and PhP160 short, after paying the air21 courier fees.

three days later, i couldn't believe my own eyes when on page 25 of my spanking new machine-readable passport, there was a new sticker from the united states of america:

entries: M
expiration:  july 2019

i got the big cheese. and the big apple awaits.  rauf has his life way easier than me, indeed.  and i'm having fun in the process.

ang pekeng LV ni giselle sanchez

Fourteen years ago, I was also in the same place, but I was not smiling like this. The Spanish Steps is a very popular place, especially to tourists and Europe ’s Rich and Famous, because this is where all the designer shops are located.

Fourteen years ago, I was also invited to hold a comedy concert for the Filipinos in Rome through a group of Batangeño producers. Pagkatapos ng concert ko, sumama ang sosyalita kong kaibigan na si Cutie del Mar sa akin para mag-bakpak at libutin ang buong Italya.

Palibhasa, hindi ako sanay na isang bakpak lang ang dadalhin ko para sa isang linggong paglilibot. ‘Di ko yata kayang magsuot ng parehong Tshirt sa loob ng tatlong araw. YUCK! Ang baho na nun ng over! Kaya dinala ko ang isang Louis Vuitton na hand carry. Pero, ito ay isang Louis Vuitton na peke, japeyks, class triple-A, galing Greenhills. Alam ko na mali ang bumili at gumamit ng peke pero sana maintindihan ninyo ako. Fourteen years ago, nag-uumpisa pa lang ang career ko. Kapiranggot lang ang kinikita ko at nagandahan lang ako dun sa maleta kaya binili ko. Wala pa akong malay sa brands noon. Kaya ganito na lang ang pagkukutya ng kaibigan ko sa akin.

Cutie: Oh my god! Is that a fake I see!
Giselle: Sorry, hindi ako anak ng Congressman tulad mo!
Cutie: Giselle, ano ka ba! Giselle Sanchez ka na! You can’t be seen with a fake! You already perform for the rich and famous not only in the Philippines but all over the world! When In Rome , do as the Romans do! Halika, punta tayo sa Louis Vuitton diyan sa Spanish Steps and buy yourself an original!
Ang bilis lumakad ng sosyalera, wala ako choice kundi sumunod kahit wala akong planong bumili. Plano ko lang tumingin at bilhin yung usong model sa Greenhills uli. O.A. kaya ang presyo ng Louis Vuitton bags. The cheapest, smallest bag will cost you P25, 000. Regular bags range from P35, 000-90, 0000. And the big and real nice ones cost P125, 000-P180, 000. Sa pinakamurang bag, mapapakain ko na ang pamilya ko nang limang linggo. At sa pinakamahal na bag ay mapapa-aral ko na ang kapatid ko ng college! Ako pa naman ang breadwinner ng pamilya.. Why would I waste my money with such over priced bags?
Eto na, pumasok na kami sa napakarangyang Louis Vuitton Shop. Siyempre, hindi ko naman maiwan yung peke kong maleta sa labas, so sama si japeyks sa loob. At pagkakita ng mahaderang manager sa bag ko, bigla akong nilapitan, inikutan at tinignan mula ulo hanggang paa.
LV manager: Excuse me, but what is your Nationality?
Giselle: I’m Fil…(hindi pa nga tapos)
LV manager: (whispering but loud enough for me and Cutie to hear) I knew it! You Filipina maids come in here to copy our designs. Get out of my store!
Giselle: Excuse me! I am not a maid! I am an actress and I came here in Italy to perform for these “maids” you were referring to. And don’t you ever call them that!
They are called Overseas Filipino Workers. Do not look down on our OFWs because they have dignity in labor. Do you work on commission, what’s your most expensive here?
LV Manager: (Points to this type of a cabinet where the bags are displayed).

This one! It cost ___ million lira. (Nakalimutan ko na yung value, basta million-million kasi lira yung currency. Basta halaga ng tatlong buhay ko.)
Giselle: Ganun! What’s your second most expensive?
LV Manager: (Points to a luggage na kapalit ang dalawang buhay ko)
Giselle: Forget it! You! (pointing to a cute salesman in the counter) I will not buy from you, Mr. Manager. I will buy from him so he can take the commission! I’ll buy this, that, this, that, and this! It’s too bad I’m not an overseas Filipino worker because they can buy more than what I can!

So what is the price of dignity? P500, 000.00—maxed on my credit card; paid slowly for three years; with my mom screaming on my ears every now and then.

In fairness to these overpriced bags, they are very durable. I started using them fourteen years ago and I still use them up to now! People think I’m so classy using coordinated Louis Vuitton handbags, make-up kit, and shoe bags. Little do they know that Giselle became classy because of her being crassy. Moral of the story, kung di niyo kaya, huwag manggaya at baka mapahiya. I never realized that paying for your sins can be quite expensive! Di bale, basta mapagtanggol ang dangal ng minamahal kong Overseas Filipino Workers! Mabuhay kayo…kahit mamatay na ako sa utang!

-----------

sent to me via email. this piece was written by Giselle Sanchez herself.  mabuhay ka, girl!!! :)

invincible (for arlene)

INVICTUS
(william ernest henley)


Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

unhappy in love

okay. for the record, i am a single mom who decided to leave my relationship when my son was six months old.  it was not an easy decision (duh. whoever thinks that is NOT HUMAN.) but i made the choice.  no regrets whatsoever. mea culpa, but life goes on.  (and yes, i have commitment issues. way too many.)

this week, THREE friends in my concentric circles each went into relationship-crisis-mode one after the other.  i kid you not. the first crisis for person 1 happened on tuesday.  the next, for person 2, happened on wednesday night/thursday dawn. and the last, for person 3, happened last sunday but she decided to pour everything out to me on friday night.  so i had a week full of the stuff really good drama shows are made of:  complicated intertwinings of relationships, kids, kids from previous marriages, having a career and being more "powerful," money matters, property ownership, reasons for commitment, infidelity, blah-blah-blah.

what struck me was this:  2 out of 3, despite the issues, still admit that they love their respective partners. 

that got me to thinking.  because deep down, i realized i had to keep my mouth shut for fear that i may say something wrong.  because i knew that they would somehow get back together with their respective partners because, yes, they can still "feel the love."

"mahal mo pa ba?"
"oo."
"e yun naman pala..."
"pero hindi ko na kayang magtiis."
"pero mahal mo?"
"i guess, but i'm really unhappy. feeling ko ginagago ako."
"mag-usap nalang kayo ng maayos. kung wala talagang effect, e di saka ka mag-decide."
"hmmmm... pero di na talaga ako masaya..."
circle circle circle... ad infinitum...

i'm a very good listener. i give good advice.  and the big thing is, i walk my talk.  so my friends love it when i'm on their side.  but unlike before when i couldn't care less about the other party, ("pucha, kahit mahal mo, kung di ka na masaya, wag mo pilitin!") i have learned to tread more carefully when my friends say they still love their partners. 

i know not everyone is as strong as me, that when i decide to call it quits, i mean it.  marami na kong friends na nag-backtrack.  buti nalang, never pa kong nasisi.

but seriously, seriously... i can't see myself unhappy in love.  if i'm in love, i should be happy.  if i think i'm unhappy, then it can't be love.

if that belief is wrong, hit me now.  or else, let me bask in the beauty of happy singlehood forever.

8

the magic 8 ball is spinning. or should it be blobbing? 

i remember being envious when my cousin, kuya jambie, got his own magic 8 ball in the 90s, and we would take turns asking it questions, answerable with a "yes" or "no". 

"does he have a crush on me?"
the ball:  bet on it.

"will i have fun in college?"
the ball:  of course

"should i go with mom to tacloban?"
the ball:  no way

blah blah blah.  ask right, and it will be answered.  if you don't like the answer, you can shake the ball again until you get the answer that fits. (cheat!!!)

more than 10 years hence, and i remember that ball now.  because i'd love for some questions to be answered.  and maybe, just maybe, the number 8 will work its magic yet again, and the ball will confirm and/or deny what i believe in my heart is Fate working its wonders in my life.  and no cheating this time around.

somehow any sign would be welcome at this point.  8 months.  8th day next month.  (oh. and today is an 8 too.)

the world is spinning and i will roll...

round and round and round.

settling in

this is our 3rd weekend at the new house.  and this is the 1st weekend that i fully enjoyed sleeping in on a saturday, without having to worry about any social obligations. 

we moved in on may 16, and it was amie & padate's wedding the following day.  aside from driving back and forth from fairview to diliman, i had to squeeze in some shopping time for a "pormal at matimpiin na kasuotan" because i fully realized i had to be properly dressed if i were to be a proper hostess at the reception program.  well i found a dress (and it was on sale at the black shop! yahooo!!!) and i think i pulled off the hosting stint with just a few blunders, so it was a pretty good weekend.

then last weekend, dwan celebrated her 26th with a big party at home on saturday night.  it was fun. i'm sure the pictures speak for themselves. hahaha.  when we woke up around noon after the party, tita bella & tito rick were there, and it was only then when i found out that daddy & mommy had planned to hold our own intimate blessing of the new house.  there we were, all groggy with eyebags, during the house blessing.  oh yes, the wild party came before that.  (i think it would have been funnier if the blessing was immediately followed by the party, don't you think? smirk.)

and this weekend... this has been mine. mine and rauf's. a little down time spent playing, sleeping in, eating & cuddling. the weather calls for major cuddling, and who better to do it with than rauf? (as if i have any other choice. haaay.)  i finished reading "the last lecture" by randy pausch, and i am inspired in a way that gives you a tingly feeling when you know that the life you've led so far has been nothing else but right. 

i still have a few bags and boxes to clear, and i have to transfer some of my books which my mom decided to shelve on her own, but aside from that, everything's pretty much in their own place now.  and rauf has stopped looking around with curious, questioning eyes, wondering where the old peach walls and cream cabinets of the old fairview house are. 

and oh.  he has discovered that climbing stairs is waaay better than just walking around his bed and crib.  i guess someone has really found his new playground in the republic, just like his mom.

:)

 

for my best sister

(because you're my only sister. haha.)

i love you for being you... bratty, fashionable, kikay, maarte.  yes, you are my exact opposite but i still love you.  mainly out of having no choice, i guess. haha.  we've had our moments, but i'd like to believe they all happened and continue to happen because a balance must be struck between our two colliding worlds, our different but parallel lives.

i only wish the best for you.  

that you find your real calling, that one profession you will be happy to perform day in & day out, without any qualms about the must-bes and must-haves.  

that you find your elusive one true love... or have numerous exciting trial-and-errors in the process.

that you get to travel and see the world with your own eyes... and that your eyes will still be good enough by then.

that you never change in how malambing you are with daddy, and how loving you are with rauf, and how a bitch you are to me.

that you find your real self. the real dwan.  and live happy, free & really, truly ALIVE.

happy birthday, LTW (lovely tita wawaw)!!! :)

farewells

after six years in the "province" of fairview, we are moving back to the diliman republic tonight. 

so i'm saying goodbye to this area for now...  and in honor of the big move, i decided to spend a few hours at my "batcave" that is the read n brew coffee shop, just at the back of the cathedral.

this has been my personal place for so long.  when i was recovering from my delivery, i would come here to think and be by myself, and somehow, much of my "me" time i decided to spend here.  their coffee isn't too good, but boy, they have free wifi.  when i don't feel like surfing anymore but still want to hang out, they have good books to browse through.  anyone who knows me can attest that those things keep me sane:  coffee, wifi, books, cigs.  and quality tambay time by my lonesome.

i know i will find my own new "me" place soon.  diliman, after all, has been my playground for so long that no matter where i live, it's one place i will always know like the back of my hand.  i wonder if there's free wifi somewhere around the "ma-" streets area.  i'm sure there is, i just need to hop around and re-stake my claim on the territory.  when all else fails, i know there's free wifi at technohub :)

so hello up, matalino and maginhawa... i'm so baaaaack. 

and to fairview and rnb, thanks for the temporary space you allowed me to have.

moving on just sounds so right. i am hopeful.

rhetorics & comedy

"mr. speaker, can we request that we go home now?"
-session, 12 may 2009

"mr. speaker, i notice that it is getting cold in the session hall.  is it because of the absence of warm bodies?"
-session, 13 may 2009

i got a kick out of hearing these statements.  so the bosses can either be preschoolers, or they can be trying-hard-literati.

somehow staying late in the office has its perks. 

now that i'm a mother

... it shames me to say that i DO appreciate my mommy even more.

we used to fight like cats & dogs (well, we still do), so we weren't really close while i was growing up.  i used to think she loved my siblings more than i... after being her lone brat for 6 years, suddenly, i had to share her with dwan, and then niccolo, and then bullet, and later, with lian, then with brikko, and finally, with seal.

and now, sometimes, i feel like i'm sharing rauf with her too.  but what else can i do. (just kidding, ma.) i was knocked out from anesthesia, so she was the first female rauf got a whiff of. hehe.

my mommy has given up her own life and having her own career to be the MOST PERFECT IMPERFECT MOM there can ever be.  she does her best at motherhood, and i'd like to think that i'm the best appendix she can use as evidence to bolster that claim. (ehem.)  kidding aside, my mom has raised us all well.  she chose us over having her own career, and she continues to do her best at raising & guiding us. 

she deserves more than a post like this.  she deserves daily hugs and kisses, and smiles, and comforting words, and trips. (oh. if you know my mom, she's like me. she can't stay put in one place. yes, itchy toes runs in the blood.)  and yes, she deserves so much more than what we, her kids, give her each day.

i sound like i'm sorry for a lot of heartaches i made her go through, and still go through... and yes, i'm really sorry.  i guess i'm also the most perfect imperfect daughter she has.  but i try. i will try.  and maybe, just maybe, i'll be the most perfect imperfect mommy to rauf. and even more.

i guess it's the best gift and vow i can offer to you, mommy.  i will be the mother to rauf as you were with me.  rock music with lullabies, aggressiveness with caring, laughter with tears, bonding moments with bickerings, guidance with a little leeway for rebellion, trips (LOTS of trips) with good food. 

yes, mommy, when it comes to motherhood, you will be the role model i will try to emulate.  even if i know i will never, ever be strong enough to even be half of the mother you are to us, i will try.  rauf deserves a mom like what i have.

i love you mommy!!!

thank you for everything... for every big and little thing. 

justice carpio's advice to the law graduate

These are excerpts from Supreme Court Justice Carpio’s address to the U.P. Law Class of 2009 on April 27, 2009. I believe this applies to everyone who continues to practice the legal profession.

- - - - -

Advice to the Law Graduate—Justice Antonio T. Carpio
MONDAY, 27 APRIL 2009

In 1975, some thirty-four years ago, I too was a graduate of the UP College of Law. I was also seated in an auditorium like this listening to our graduation speaker. Looking back, what would have I wanted then as a young law graduate to hear from our graduation speaker?

With the benefit of hindsight from almost 34 years in the practice of law, as private practitioner, lecturer in the UP College of Law, counsel to the President, and Justice of the Supreme Court, there are six advices I would have wanted to hear in 1975 from our graduation speaker, and which I now humbly offer to you, the Class of 2009.

1. Defend and Protect the Constitution 

My first advice is you must, as law graduates and as future lawyers, defend and protect the Constitution at every opportunity.  This means you must keep abreast with developments on Constitutional Law, no matter what field of law you practice.  As you start your practice, be it labor, corporation law, or litigation, you will tend to ignore developments on Constitutional Law.  That is a mistake.  Without the civil liberties in the Constitution, you cannot  freely practice any field of law. The fundamental rights in the Constitution allow you to practice other fields of law.  Without these fundamental rights, the practice of law will be self-demeaning.

I started my law practice during martial law, and for a young lawyer then the legal environment was bizarre. There was a wide gap between law and justice, between the guarantees of the Constitution and the reality on the streets.  Many things I learned in law school were irrelevant.  The noble and majestic words I read in Supreme Court decisions appeared written for a different country and time, not for the Philippines at that time.

We must not return to those dark days.  We must not live through those suffocating years again.  That is why everyone who has studied law has a duty to defend and protect the Constitution, especially the civil liberties enshrined in our Constitution.   Whenever and wherever our civil liberties are threatened, be the first to oppose those threats, because those threats not only prevent the honest and dignified practice of law, they also menace our fundamental rights as human beings.

When you practice law, you may be enticed by politicians who dream to be dictators to help them rewrite the Constitution for their own benefit.  Resolutely fight and oppose such moves, even at the risk of losing your job or clients.   Always remember that the Constitution is written for the benefit of the Filipino people, not for the benefit of one man or one family.  No politician, no government official, not even the President of the Philippines, is larger or more important than the Constitution.

2.  Preserve the Independence and Integrity of the Judiciary     

My second advice is you must preserve the independence and integrity of the Judiciary. If you want the judge to render a fair and impartial decision, regardless of who the parties or lawyers are in a case, then you must insure that the Judiciary remains independent and honest. If you want a level playing field in the practice of law, then you must work hard for an independent and honest judiciary.

This means that you must see to it that only independent, honest and competent people are appointed to the Judiciary..  The Integrated Bar of the Philippines has a representative in the Judicial and Bar Council.  So does the community of law professors.  And so does the community of retired Justices.  Working together, these representatives have enough clout to insure that only independent, competent and honest judges are nominated to the Judiciary.
In your practice, you will often be faced with a situation where your client wants to win a case through fair or foul means.  Your client may even demand that you bribe the judge first before the opposing side gets him.  Politely but firmly decline, and be prepared to walk away from a client who insists that you commit a crime of bribery for his sake.  No client is ever worth committing a crime.

If you want an independent and honest judiciary, then never do anything that will corrupt the Judiciary.  If you do, then you deserve the Judiciary you get and you have no one else to blame but yourself.   There is no dictator if there is no servile citizen.  And there is no corrupt judge if there is no litigant or lawyer corrupting him.

Lest you think that the burden of preserving the integrity of the Judiciary rests on practicing lawyers alone, let me cite you the statistics. In the last three years alone, from January 2006 to March 2009, the Supreme Court dismissed thirteen trial court judges and one Court of Appeals Justice, suspended 16 trial court judges and one Court of Appeals Justice, and fined 138 trial court judges.  The Supreme Court even imposed a fine of P500,000 on one of its former members, the largest fine ever imposed on a member of the Judiciary. I assure you that the Supreme Court continues to cleanse the Judiciary to maintain its independence and integrity. 
Recently, the lawyers of Pakistan have shown the world how to defend and preserve the independence of the Judiciary.  The Pakistani lawyers took to the streets to demand the reinstatement of Chief Justice Mohammad Chaudry.  The then President of Pakistan, General Pervez Musharraf, dismissed Chief Justice Chaudry for staunchly upholding the independence of the Judiciary.   In the face of  persistent mass action by Pakistani lawyers, the  incumbent President of Pakistan, Asif Zardari, reluctantly reinstated Chief Justice Chaudry.  The historic and courageous actions of the Pakistani lawyers strengthened for all time the independence of the Judiciary in Pakistan.

3.  Oppose Corruption in Government

My third advice is you must oppose corrupt acts of those who hold public office.   Public office is a public trust.  If that trust is breached, as future lawyers you must lead the citizenry in demanding an accounting.  History has shown that only a vigilant citizenry can prevent abuse of public trust.  An abuse of public trust that goes unchecked will repeat itself, and will become widespread and even more vicious. 

When I was still in the private practice of law, I was one of those who filed the first plunder case against a sitting President. My law partners and I fielded a battery of lawyers in the first impeachment trial of a President.  And these private lawyers assisted the public prosecutors in the plunder trial. The idea that we wanted to convey is that the citizenry, led by lawyers, must prevent abuses especially by the highest public official. If we do not, then no one else will and we will truly deserve the government we get.

4.  Observe the Ethics of the Profession

My fourth advice is you must take seriously the observance of legal ethics.  Many lawyers think that legal ethics is important only to pass the bar examinations.  That is a grave mistake.  For the last two years alone, 2007 and 2008, the Supreme Court disbarred 10 lawyers, suspended 52, fined 163, and reprimanded, admonished or warned 108. 
No other profession is as tightly regulated and disciplined as the legal profession.   And the reason is simple. Lawyers are officers of the court and owe special duties to the court.  No other profession owe such special duties to an entire branch of government. 
In your practice, it will serve you well if you will now and then read the latest Supreme Court decisions on legal ethics. It is so amazing how lawyers can be so brazen in transgressing the ethics of the profession. Those who disregard legal ethics often have three adversaries: the party affected, the opposing counsel, and the court – and even one of them is one adversary too many.  So take seriously the ethics of your profession.

5. Specialize but Keep Abreast of other Fields of Law

My fifth advice is you can specialize in a particular field of law, but you must keep abreast of developments in other fields of law.  Complex commercial transactions may require that you specialize in specific fields -  in corporation law, intellectual property law, tax law or in other areas.   This does not mean that you do not have to know what is happening in other fields of law.  

To be good in your area of specialization, you must be able to relate, and reinforce, your arguments from legal principles in other fields of law.   Sometimes, the answer to legal questions in your field of specialization may come from other fields of law.  Do not develop a tunnel vision by focussing only in your field of specialization.

6. Bridge the Gaps between Law and Justice

My sixth and last advice is you must work to bridge the gaps between law and justice.   What is legal is not necessarily just. The U.S. Supreme Court once held that blacks were inferior to whites, and deserved to be slaves.   That was the law then, but that was terribly unjust.  There are many gaps between law and justice, and it is your solemn mission as future lawyers to close these gaps.

In the United States, the right to privacy was recognized by courts when two private lawyers wrote that it was unjust that an ordinary citizen’s private affairs could be laid bare and ridiculed before the public.  The right of blacks to study in the same school and classroom as whites was recognized when activist lawyers questioned the separate but equal doctrine in over half a century of legal battles.

In our country, hate speech against minorities is not actionable. Companies, local and foreign, can exploit the nation’s natural resources without sharing the profits with the Filipino people. These are gaps between law and justice that can trigger social and economic strife among our people. As future lawyers, you have the duty to lead in closing these gaps and thus bring justice to our people.

The absence of a law is not an excuse to allow any form of injustice.  And as you have learned in Republic v. Sandignabayan, even the absence of a Constitution is not an excuse to deprive the people of fundamental human rights.  One of your greatest challenges is to insure that justice is done even in the absence of a law or even in the absence of a Constitution.  Having been taught law in the grand manner in the U.P. College of Law, you will, I am sure, rise to this challenge.