now that i'm a mother

... it shames me to say that i DO appreciate my mommy even more.

we used to fight like cats & dogs (well, we still do), so we weren't really close while i was growing up.  i used to think she loved my siblings more than i... after being her lone brat for 6 years, suddenly, i had to share her with dwan, and then niccolo, and then bullet, and later, with lian, then with brikko, and finally, with seal.

and now, sometimes, i feel like i'm sharing rauf with her too.  but what else can i do. (just kidding, ma.) i was knocked out from anesthesia, so she was the first female rauf got a whiff of. hehe.

my mommy has given up her own life and having her own career to be the MOST PERFECT IMPERFECT MOM there can ever be.  she does her best at motherhood, and i'd like to think that i'm the best appendix she can use as evidence to bolster that claim. (ehem.)  kidding aside, my mom has raised us all well.  she chose us over having her own career, and she continues to do her best at raising & guiding us. 

she deserves more than a post like this.  she deserves daily hugs and kisses, and smiles, and comforting words, and trips. (oh. if you know my mom, she's like me. she can't stay put in one place. yes, itchy toes runs in the blood.)  and yes, she deserves so much more than what we, her kids, give her each day.

i sound like i'm sorry for a lot of heartaches i made her go through, and still go through... and yes, i'm really sorry.  i guess i'm also the most perfect imperfect daughter she has.  but i try. i will try.  and maybe, just maybe, i'll be the most perfect imperfect mommy to rauf. and even more.

i guess it's the best gift and vow i can offer to you, mommy.  i will be the mother to rauf as you were with me.  rock music with lullabies, aggressiveness with caring, laughter with tears, bonding moments with bickerings, guidance with a little leeway for rebellion, trips (LOTS of trips) with good food. 

yes, mommy, when it comes to motherhood, you will be the role model i will try to emulate.  even if i know i will never, ever be strong enough to even be half of the mother you are to us, i will try.  rauf deserves a mom like what i have.

i love you mommy!!!

thank you for everything... for every big and little thing.