love letter #6

dearest mommy,

and here we are, surviving another christmas without you.  it went ok, although last year's was better. (weird, huh.) aside from the fact that the morcon lacked it's usual zing, and someone forgot to buy the ingredients to glaze the ham, everything pretty much went ok. just ok, because we missed you again.

when we visited you on christmas day, i wasn't expecting we would break down and pour our hearts out to you. after all, it was christmas (a time for joy, a time for happiness...), and we wanted to make you happy.  but when dwan started crying, she couldn't stop.  it was nice, though, that we got to tell you ourselves what was happening in our lives, and what we still wish for as siblings, as individuals, and as part of one "small" household. 

what happened on christmas day was the greatest gift we gave to each other as siblings: honesty, respect, acknowledgment, gratitude.  and i know it was the best gift we could give you as your kids... that through these all, petty fights and screaming matches included, we are still one tight bunch, helping each other get through life, thrive as individuals, and rely on each other for anything.  after all, who else do we have but each other?

you kept us together, mom.  and you're still keeping us together.  ours is not a perfect life, but we manage to more than just live.  individually, we fight our own demons, but looking at it from the bigger perspective, we are actually helping each other get through what we need to do and prove to ourselves, to you, and to everyone, that we are moving on.... complete with all the melodrama that we could actually do without, but have to live with.

i have only you to thank for giving me (and therefore, us) such a great year.  everything just balanced out and fell into place. 

sometimes, the signs from the Universe confuse me, but i dare not complain.  on the one hand, my career is going on full swing and i am really happy about it, while on the other, my lovelife is thriving and more... and you know how contradictory that is.  you who knew from way before our 'beginnings', and you, all honest and straight, who asked me how we would make it work.  surprisingly, things are going great. 2011 holds the key to what my life will be in the next years to come... it's scary, but i'm excited. and i'm ready.  'whatever' right now is so positive, i can only laugh. because, really, i'm ready for whatever the Universe has in store for me.

rauf is growing up to be a little naughty, but is very smart and alert.  he recites his alphabet straight from A-Z when he thinks no one is listening, but refuses to do it when we ask him to.  he hates 2, 3, 4 and 5, but loves 1, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.  bullet is teaching him to sing his do-re-mi, and little by little, he's getting the pitch right.  he knows all the characters from all his playhouse disney shows, and also recognizes a lot of tv commercials, with special mention of "uno, dos, tres, quatro... vaseline!".  and of course, how can i get mad when he goes a little ga-ga over your favorite, willie, and his new sidekick, shalani?  hay nakuuuuu. i think he's watching too much tv. 

we're all doing fine, mom.  just help nikko a bit, so he can get divine intervention and inspiration as he finishes his thesis.  add a little more oomph and lend more creativity to bullet, as he has declared that 2011 will be his own leap year.  make paramdam to lian and seal when they fight over their computer games, and remind them that they should prioritize school.  whisper to brikko that it is in resourcefulness and humility that real creativity comes out, and that it's okay to borrow nikko's cam while i figure out how to include a new SLR in my budget.  and make dwan stronger, and tougher, as she embarks on yet another year of self-discovery and of mothering all of us. give her & me your patience... we need it constantly.

i try to stop myself every single time i think about how things would have turned out if you were still alive and here with us.  because no matter how much it saddens me, i have accepted that you're gone and will never come back.  at the same time, i know that you wouldn't want us wasting our time and energy on holding on to the thought of you still being here.  so i am starting to move on, really move on, and somehow, i feel that it's the right, and the best, thing to do.  the greatest thing we can give you is to show you that we lived, and thrived, even without you, because it would be the best affirmation of the kind of mother you were to us: always challenging, always supportive, forever the proud stage mother.

and we're going to do you proud, mom.  all of us, from me down to rauf.  we will not let you down.

love and light, mommy.  we miss you, but life goes on.  merry christmas, Mommy! and give Jesus a birthday kiss from all of us :)

with much love always and forever,

apryll

misery

welcome to the misery of genius...where everything feels so right, but the circumstances have always been wrong.  i'm here.  he's there.  we knew that all along, but sometimes, like now, it just really sucks BIG TIME.  

as we have both been saying to those who ask: "you think this was what we wanted? you think we didn't fight this?  we're both not dumb & stupid." (or something that essentially sounds like that, just less bitchy.)  

and to those who know our real history, i will not even venture to answer the "why just/only now" question.

i'm lonely as hell.  and now, at this exact moment, i'm lonely AND alone. 

but he's alone too. 

quits quits lang :)

old-age-ing

i've always been one of the "cool" young-30-somethings.  ask anyone who has spent time with me the past 5 years, and i'm sure no one will object to that claim.  i'm cool.  i rock.  yeah \m/

lately, i have been wondering how it would be like to be old and 50.  or 60. (i'm not yet sure if i like the idea of still being alive at 70.  though fine, getting wrinkly sounds better than being dead. or does it?)  but frankly, i have never felt my real age until this week. 33 shouldn't be too bad, right? this week proved that it's not good either.

before i went to law school, i vowed to myself that no matter how heavy the class work would be, i wouldn't kill my social life just to become a lawyer, despite working full time.  when i was reviewing for the bar, i made sure i went out & had fun twice or thrice a week to stay sane.  when i had rauf, hanging out with friends at least once a week (it didn't matter how many. one would do.) was a must.  when i was busy with this year's elections, we would still drink at the hq while working on our contact lists.  and after the boss won before-the-SONA, oh boy, the late night outs were so much fun.  my friends really didn't care if i'd get to join the gimiks late, as long as i made it.

so i went away for just two weeks for a reprieve from work (among other more important reasons), and when i came back, i found and have been finding it more and more difficult to rally the friends for our usual late-nighters in hub/morato.  i wonder what went wrong when i left.  or did things just become right in my friends' worlds? i wonder... (no, i will never admit to being the bad influence in their lives. never. hahaha.)

last week, after a week of being a full-time mommy to my sick toddler, it took me two tries before i found my friends/usual drinking buddies.  this week, which turned out to be a manageable week at work, i tried thrice. THREE TIMES, and i never got anyone to join me.  and poor, lonely me had no choice but to go home and watch tv, since i never drink alone.

it's not their fault.  i think it's me.  maybe i should be happy with being able to rest/relax/"recreate" just once a week, like most people.  it's not their fault that they're old. (hahaha)  it's my fault that i'm cool this way.

or maybe i should find younger friends.  

ha.

- - -

this post is dedicated to the friends who never had the heart to say no to me before. haha. you know who you are, you uncool flakers.  RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT!!! hahaha!

having a yaya*: a necessity or a privilege?

*yaya. Filipino noun for nanny.

- - - - -

 

as much as i want to say this deserves a serious academic treatise, which i think it does on a social anthropology approach, i'd rather go straight to saying that, under my circumstances, yes, having a yaya is a necessity.

 

in a third world country where day care is expensive and schools require the presence of parents during classes, having day care centers and preschools left and right totally defeats the purpose of providing quality alternative child care.  while our office has its own day care center as mandated by law, they don't even take in kids less than 3 years old.  and woe to the single mom (that's me) who will even think of leaving her child in the care of an institution sans a, you guessed it, yaya, raising eyebrows and eliciting hushed remarks about having misplaced priorities and for being selfish.

 

sometimes i wonder if i'm really being selfish... by making sure that my career goes well, that i still have "a life", while leaving the son at home with the yayas.  i will not kill myself over this thought, because i know i am doing my best.  but i am only human.  there are a lot of times when i have doubts about my style of parenthood, but frankly, i don't know how else to handle my situation.  it's the best i can do, all things (and responsibilities) considered.

 

when rauf was 0-2 months, i took care of him 24/7 while i was on maternity leave.  when i had to go back to work, mommy made sure she was the hands-on mom, because she didn't want the yaya to handle her precious apo, up until he was 6 months old.  here i was, the biological mother, making sure that my career growth would not suffer, while my mommy kept on and on about rauf deserving a full-time mom.  well, ma, i try. i really really try. you knew that, you know that. (i miss you oh so baaaad.)  at the end of the day you knew why: i was technically working alone in making sure that rauf was provided for, and provided for well.  what would have happened to us had i not worked?  i rest my case.

 

which brings me to the meat of my, uh, rant. (you noticed?. hehe.)  when you're a solo parent without a parent to rely on to watch over your little one while you're at work, and you really don't want to impose on your loving, supportive siblings to provide alternative parenting, who else can you rely on but... the yaya.  there's no one else but her. (well, them, in my case.)

 

while i have 2 yayas, one full-time, the other an alternate part-timer, sometimes it just happens that they disappear at the same time and i get stuck, not knowing how to handle things without their help.  i feel for them.  yaya d's son has dengue fever, while yaya p's grandchild also caught the same.  (according to the latest updates, their platelets are going up. thank God.)  rauf and i are okay; we can handle it together.  but definitely, when the yayas are away, i cannot go to work. like today.

 

life as a solo parent is full of its ups and downs.  add to that the demands in my line of work, when i'm on call 24/7.  (even my alternative supposedly "secret" phone was ringing off the hook even while i was on vacation.  i had to switch it off. tee-hee.)  last week, a few hours after the pacquiao fight, the boss called me for a rush job.  while he was talking to me, rauf was shouting "mommy! mommyyyyyyy! mommyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!". the boss just said, "oh. you're with your son..." i was like, "yes, sir. but i'll get on it ASAP and will call you back in a while."

 

i need the yayas back. now. asap. one is enough :)

 

sigh. the things we gotta do.

 

c'est la vie :)

time and tide*

*with apologies to basia.

- - -

i was talking to my best friend early this week, and she pointed out to me one thing: that i, in all likelihood, belong to the 0.5% of the strongest women in the world.  i blinked at that. no, i can't be strong. i just go with the flow, realizing that my existence in this world has a purpose. and for now, that purpose can be summed up in one word: provider.

at the back of my mind, i know that to an average, ordinary, normal person, what i do is big... gargantuan, enormous, even ginormous.  oh yes, it's not easy.  but i have never dwelled on the problems i face day to day. if i would, i'd go insane. so i just let the tides wash me away... day in, day out.  i am blessed that i enjoy the work that i do.  without that, my life would be just one big pretentious show, and my misery would be palpable.

two weeks ago i took the first real semi-long, way overdue vacation i've had since 2007.  it was a trip of self-discovery, of old realizations that otherwise i would have kept at the back burner, to be renewed when yet another opportunity for a respite would show up.  and in the romantic sense, yes, it was a trip of affirmation.

i will not mince words nor pretend.  since the time i was reviewing for my philippine bar, i've been planning to take the new york bar just for the heck of it.  i've always wanted to try working elsewhere, just to prove to myself that if the probinsyana-that-is-i made it here, "i can make it anywhere."  and deep in my heart, i know i just want to be somewhere else with someone right now, just to know that i really, really tried.

life is never easy.  the constant challenge to live that purposeful life and pursue genuine happiness gnaws at me...  

does the buck stop here?  after the boss finishes his term, will i be content going back down to where i really belong?  will i be happy doing something i've been doing really well for the past 11 years, i didn't even blink when i got back after my break?  no one can ever really answer these questions for me. even the Universe cannot, or even if it could, it won't.  such is the beauty and madness of discovery.  everything gets settled in time.  it is up to me to decide.

at the end of the day, and i don't even want to start counting how many more days are left, i just don't want to be lonely.

there. that's the crux of it.  i may love what i do now; i may bask in the smell of power and influence and the excitement that living and breathing politics does to me; i may be able to provide my household with what they need (and sometimes just want) and i have some left for my own... but really, the emptiness of semi-success is something that shouldn't be bothering me at 33, right?

it gets tiring, too.  i am exhausted.  i have been fighting battles left and right, and i almost always win.  they seemed like real victories before, but now they appear to me to just be pyrrhic victories which may, might, lead to my eventual downfall or breakdown. God forbid.

for once in my life, i am genuinely lost and i don't mind.  i am not in a hurry... because things like these have repercussions when pursued with haste.  i will take my time, but not too much.  i think i'm good with deadlines, and if someone holds that deadline with me, maybe, just maybe, i might take this chance and leap.  

so yet again i am at a crossroads.  i hope this time, i do things right. 

Universe, conspire with me.  

i am done with just waiting for time to pass me by, and for the tides to carry me away.

love letter #5

dear, dear mommy,

 

tomorrow is your birthday, and it will be your first birthday without us.  or our first celebration of your birthday without you...

 

on the upside, you're up there with God and will probably party to your heart's delight with JP and pearl and tita letty (who will probably be scolding you the whole time) and tito rene (who will dote on you as he always did) and lolo and lola and tito budds.  you have your whole rah-rah gang up there!  on the downside, we'll be here. and not with you... but that's alright, ma. don't fret.  we're still gonna celebrate. all 7 of us and your beloved apo and your loyalist delia (with her crew). hehe.

 

thank you for letting me know how you are.  i was talking to you that night and then i fell asleep, and for the first time ever, you appeared in my dreams.  you were so beautiful in your white flowing dress and looked like you've lost your wrinkles.  heaven becomes you, ma, and i'm happy.  i loved how you hugged me so tight, and that you were smiling the whole time.  

 

ma, i miss you.  i miss fighting with you over every little thing, especially in the mornings before leaving for work, and at night when i'd get home late reeking of beer & yosi.  i miss your husky voice when you were making lambing, and your shrilly voice when you were mad.  i miss your kakulitan, and the numerous blank texts you used to send accidentally because you refused to wear eyeglasses for fear that people would think you were old na.  i miss how overprotective you were of rauf and seal, and how often you fought with dwan and lian.  i miss your plants (our apartment has none), your garden, your flowers, your knick-knacks... i miss you.  i miss every little thing about you.  i guess that will never go away, 'no? i will always miss you.  i will always wonder how things would be going right now had you not left... sigh. enough.

 

so tomorrow, dwan & i will literally bring color back into our lives.  black and white and gray will now be splashed with my red (yes! i missed my red stuff!) and dwan's yellow and pink... there's this part of me that just wants to keep this whole wardrobe, and just bring the red back, and wear those colors forever (like my trademark or something. haha. as if.), but i will never forget the way you used to frown at the contents of my cabinet, telling me my clothes lacked color and "life".  still, i will put my foot down on the florals.  i miss you, but i will NOT wear pink or yellow flowery outfits. ewwwww. that won't be me anymore. hehehe.

 

see you tomorrow, ma. i'll be in the red-dest outfit i can find (that won't be smelling like it's been in the cabinet for 100 years).  i'll see if i can wear a flower for you.  rauf will blow your birthday candle, and we'll all sing you the birthday song while you smile at us from heaven.

 

we love you. always. forever.

 

love,

 

plang

 

ps. thanks for the heavenly intervention/s. arlene noticed how everything about & around us appear to be blessed. all thanks to YOU! :D and i hope you read malen's greeting.  i cried while reading it. oh well. nothing i couldn't handle... ;) maaram ka man, praktisado na pagtinuok. hehehe. hugs, ma!!! 

love letter #4

dearest mommy,

 

wow... how fast time flies.  in a few weeks we'll be celebrating your birthday, and days after that, your anniversary.  i'm sorry we haven't finalized things... and the way things look, we need to keep the guest list short.  would you prefer the bongga birthday or the bongga anniv?  it can't be both bongga, and it can't be a joint celebration.  we're keeping in mind what you would have wanted, so we know we have to celebrate at least one of them.  or maybe, at the end of it all, it'll just be us who'll gather and pray and celebrate.  what do you think? malipong man...

 

it's been almost a year, and we know we've practically done things on our own, by ourselves.  and i'm sure you're pretty proud of all of us right now... bullet is waiting for the results of his competition to get into music camp, but we already celebrated his getting into the luzon short-list (he's the MAN!); seal made it to rank #2 of his class (yesssss); brikko successfully battled sore eyes without infecting anyone else in the house; lian goes to school regularly (or at least asks baon regularly. hehehe.); nikko is on-track with his thesis (cross your fingers, ma. this is it!); dwan finally found 'the one' (for now. haha. kidding, uyab-ni-wawan!); rauf mimics everything we say and is getting his ABCs right despite my constant absence from the house (thanks to tito bullet!); and the career wish i made with the september deadline was granted, among other things that has made our september really, really good so far... 

 

how i wish you were here to celebrate these blessings and successes God and the Fates have been showering on all of us, little by little... but i think it's also opportune that you're up there while all this is happening down here.  for sure, you're whispering to the-Powers-that-Be and making sure we're all taken cared of.  thank you, Mommy... 

 

speaking of help, if we'd only known how fast you'd help out, i really, really think dwan & i should have made you this request a long time ago... "ps.  Mommyyyyy, don't forget the teeny-weeny happy-happy request that dwan & i asked from you ha... don't mind nikko's objections :) hahaha!" [from love letter #3]  right now i am left wondering if this is your idea of a good joke, or you giving us the peace sign, or just letting us feel that, yes, we cannot lack for anything more (for now) considering the names of the, uhm, respective partners you've thrown our way.  but really, mom, it's kinda funny-sick and way too weird.  the boys are getting a good laugh out of it, and dwan and i are left speechless.  but again, thanks.  you continue to make wonders in our lives even when you've gone on ahead of us...

 

tomorrow is the last day of barops, and this sunday will be salubong 2011.  i will never forget how you never missed a salubong...  how you would go to the UP salubong area and play nice to the law students in-charge of the salubong materials so you could get UP pennant flags, or fans, or balloons.  and to most, salubong 2010 was the last time most of our friends saw you alive... hay... i hope i don't cry on sunday. nikko will be with me naman, for sure.

 

we always miss you, Mommy... see you on sunday ha Taft? :)

 

i love you forever,

 

plang

--------

originally posted on my facebook notes; 24 September 2010

second chances

i am taking this leap of faith, despite all the odds, because deep down i know that we've never given each other this one true shot at really trying.  

the funny thing is, we both know this isn't just the second chance.  but if we really look back, this just may be our first, one true chance.  according to arlene, maybe it's time.  and maybe, just maybe, it works out for us this time around.

it's been 38 hours and i can't seem to stop counting... 

this misery has got to stop.

because, frankly, i haven't felt this kilig-happy in a long time :D

thank you, you... hope floats. 

for JP

september 1 was always your day... sadly, we never got to spend any of your birthdays together.  our parents used to say that you looked like niccolo, only we were of the same skin color.  which makes you really, really handsome then :)

 

sometimes we talk about you... like how many girlfriends would you have had by now, or what your chosen profession would have been, or how many siblings in all would we have been had you not left us after only 13 days on earth...  

 

we know, though, that no matter how many imagined lives (and lifestyles) we can dream up for you, still we would get no answer.  we never spent time with you, but know that we never forgot you.

 

today is your first birthday with mom.  i hope you're celebrating in your own, happy, groovy way up there in heaven.  we've had mom all this time, now she's all yours.  i'm sure you're making good time catching up.  please take care of mom over there, ok? better yet, take care of each other.  we're doing the same over here.

 

so, little brother, happy happy would-have-been 32nd birthday!!! we love you.  to heaven and back. i hope you & mom hear us loud and clear :)) warm big hugs to you & mom in the great beyond!

love letter #3

dearest mommy,

 

i write because i'm bothered.  i thought i had forgotten how painful it was (or still is) when we suddenly lost you almost 10 months ago.  apparently not.  because when i reached the office this morning, i suddenly cried, remembering how dwan also almost broke down when we visited you last saturday.

 

we miss you, Mommy...  

 

my days go by in a blur, full of neverending paperwork, and requests, and calls, and texts, and other things to do... i used to complain a bit. ok, a lot.  but work has been my coping mechanism for your gaping, quiet absence.  and i'm actually grateful.

 

i was telling my friend shao (who was also pearl's colleague at the osg) last saturday that God and the Fates have made it possible for me to just go on living.  remember, i got the JICA scholarship after you died.  and then i got the most-demanding-election-period-ever-in-my-whole-life after pearl died.  so really, i had no excuse to mope, or to feel sorry for myself, or to just sulk and get angry.  i couldn't.  i grieved at my own pace, with the flair & style that you would have wanted.  we all did.

 

dwan was telling me that she's hurt that rauf can't seem to remember you. they show him pictures of you, and it seems that he doesn't  recognize you anymore.  it makes us all sad... because he was so small when you left, and you loved him so, so much, and he won't grow up having you around.  i told her though that at his age now, we really shouldn't expect much.  but don't worry, Mommy. when he's older, we will make him remember.  and we will make sure he knows you.  every good and bad thing we loved about you.  i promised you that on your deathbed, and i will fulfill that promise.

 

although sometimes we wonder...  do your friends still remember you?  did the people whose lives you touched while you were alive still pray for you?  we have a big family and you had lots and lots of friends (i think all my friends know that i got that from you), but have they ever visited your grave again after you were buried?   which makes me wonder more... because i pray for you and pearl every single night, before i go to sleep.  would people do the same for me?  i mean, later on, when it's my time?  i'm not giving you the creeps.  i just think about realities like that.  i mean, after your death, anything can happen anytime.

 

so we've started planning for your anniversary.  we can't believe you've been gone for almost a year.  the sadness somehow fades when we realize that, yes, we have survived these past 10 months without you.  but the truth is, it has never been the same without you.  and we know it will never be the same...

 

but Mommy, no matter how happy we are, or how strong we seem to be, we always miss you.  a whole lot.  we hope you're doing well there in heaven, and having fun, and also surviving like us... don't miss us too much.  don't be bothered when we sometimes cry, or have our little breakdowns... we all gotta do what we gotta do.  you have to be our angel, and we will continue to be your babies.  being apart will never change that.

 

we love you. always. forever.

 

love,

 

apryll

 

ps.  Mommyyyyy, don't forget the teeny-weeny happy-happy request that dwan & i asked from you ha... don't mind nikko's objections :) hahaha! love love love and lots of hugs!!!

au revoir

goodbyes are painful.  whether it be said to a family member who has left us, or to a former flame, or an old companion, or a friend you may never see again, goodbyes are better left unsaid. but still, they have to be said.

i have said too many goodbyes the past year.  to francis magalona. to michael jackson. to former president cory aquino. to my good friend pearl.  to two former flames. (*wink*) to an old phone which i passed on to my brother nikko.  to old and new friends i met in tokyo. even to my room at the JICA tokyo international center, which was my home for 3 weeks.

and of course, the most painful goodbye i said was to my mom, when we were laying her to rest.
 
- - -

how fast time flies.

a year ago, mom, dwan & i braved the rains and the long queues to la salle greenhills just to pay our respects to president cory.  i distinctly remember getting tired and hungry and cranky, but to the very end, mommy was in high spirits, never complaining, ever the jolly, talkative sunshine she always was (when she wasn't scolding any of us).

a year ago, i was in high spirits, planning for my trip to the US, after having grabbed the $650 MNL-LAX-MNL bargain fare from PAL (only to donate it two months later to Lucio Tan, because it was non-transferrable, non-refundable, and non-reroutable).

a year ago, i was basking in the giddiness of finally seeing rauf walk on his own, super busy writing legal memos and opinions, balancing the suddenly-growing-domestic-issues at home, going out with friends who i had to pep-talk as they were reviewing for the bar, helping plan Tagay! for AnWaray, and trying my damnedest to save a long-distance relationship that was kinda going nowhere.

a year ago, never in my wildest dreams did i even know that the coming election period would be my hardest, most challenging elections, and my real "first" for the presidential race.

the past months are proof that anything can happen, anytime. and that there will always be moments you will be unprepared for, but will embrace, nevertheless, as opportunities you have to make the most of, and as blessings you will be most grateful to receive.

i am at a crossroads, and no matter how much i wish my mom were with me now, i know that there are reasons why we (or i) were supposed to go through these on our own.

my farewells have been properly said to the semi-peacful life i used to live.  or better yet, let's just say "arrivederci, in three or six years." :)

- - -

one of the first lessons bullet taught rauf was how to say "au revoir" with a flying kiss.  it started out as a "ba", then turned into "o-ba", and now, he says it properly "o-vwa."

when i leave home in the mornings and rauf is awake, granting that he's in a good mood, he would send me off with a hug and a smile, say "bye, mom!", and give me the sweetest flying kiss ever and say "au revoir!"

he is my reason for living.  just as we were mom's.

rush

it was a hibernation of 9 years. 9 years of semi-quiet.

was. because the semi-quiet semi-peaceful semi-charmed life that i had is gone.  for now.

i have been pulled out of my comfort zone and XX weeks hence, i am so tired.  i never even saw a grain of sand the whole summer. exhausted does not even cover it, but yes, i am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.  still, i am happy where i am.  this is it for me.

i feel that i am out of practice, out of sync, kinda out of whack, but yes, i'm still very much in it...  it's the rush of doing something important, something that matters that makes me believe that this is all somehow just worth it.  it's the hope that the little things you do could make a difference in other people's lives.  it's the small rush that jolts you to action, when you know that the work you do is appreciated and, more importantly, needed.

i missed this.  seriously, honestly, absolutely missed this.

and i am so glad to be back. 

so hello there philippines.  rauf, babe, cross your fingers that mom does this better the second time around. 

and as an equally-exhausted, trying-to-be-witty and not-so-old man said to me an hour ago: "tomorrow this will all  be over. tomorrow and the next six years." and i replied, "six for you, three for me. let's see what happens."

yeah.

solitude

in the middle of the hustle and bustle of technohub on a holiday, i decided to park myself on one of the tables at my favorite hub hangout and just enjoy some quiet time after a meeting.

me, myself, & i... with this borrowed laptop, which has become my crutch since storm crashed last week.

i haven't done this in a while... to just be alone, and surf, and think, and just fade into the blur of other people's glances as they pass me by and go on with their own lives.

the past months have been a flurry of activities, work and responsibilities. in the aftermath of mom's death, i lost a part of myself.  after pearl died, i was just about to really lose it.  when i lost my best friend, my heart broke into pieces.  and yet here i am, still living, still breathing.

i know i am not the person who i used to be, and i don't know if i can ever be that person again... i don't even know if the strength that has made me go this far is doing me any good.  but i have no choice... i cannot just stop and grieve and let go of myself because i know a lot of people are depending on me, especially my son who deserves to grow up and live and thrive without having to worry about me.

i am surrounded by people yet i feel so all alone... and sometimes, just sometimes, the loneliness just eats me up alive.

but i cannot give in to sadness. because i am rauf's mom. and my brothers' and sister's ate. and the yayas' "ma'am". and a subordinate to a workaholic boss.  and still, a friend to those who have chosen to stay friends with me.

i know i will see sunshine someday.  there is a reason for all of this, and the most important thing is to keep myself together and just be...

alone. not really. but yes, i am alone...

...living, breathing, fighting to live day by day.

chaos

two months kaming palipat-lipat.

pag gising sa umaga, textan o tawagan...
"san tayo ngayon?"
depende kung nasan sya, dapat nandun kami.

two months na magulo, yung magulong exciting, yung magulong challenging.

during the day, we would exhaust our resources and networks (salamat sa lahat ng friendly-friends!!!) to update our databases and look for information. we would study the latest worksheets and data, and read into the possibilities of who could be in, or who could we just give up on for the meantime. work would reach fever pitch at around dinner time, when cellphones were on, when the people we were calling would actually answer their phones.

na-tempt nga ako gumawa ng study ng pinaka-nakakatawang ring back tune. may opisyal na ang tune "gotta believe in magic", which was very apt considering how wary people were of the automated elections, and magic talaga kung magic pag they pull it off (which they did. kudos.). may isa namang tanders na nga, pero ang ring back tune e "jump" ni flo-rida. marami-raming "poker face" na nakakasawa na din pakinggan, bad trip nga na maririnig mo pati pa sa cellphone. sa dami ng narinig ko, na more or less e pinagtatawanan ko almost always, pati si boss, na-praning. isang gabi, sabi nya, "tawagan mo nga ako. baka naman may kanta-kanta din ako, hindi ko alam kung ano." ring lang naman. buti nalang. kasi kung nagkataon na meron, ako pa gagawa ng paraan pano i-off yung tune na yun. haha.

but behind the busy-ness, and the whirlwind schedule, and the happy feeling of helping pull off something of 'national' importance, my personal relationships suffered.

quality time with rauf meant making it home just in time to put him to sleep, and leaving the house late just so we could cuddle upon waking and say our morning prayers together. i couldn't go out with any of my friends, kasi hindi naman lahat pwedeng magsimula ng inuman ng 11pm or midnight, and mas gusto ko na umuwi sa anak kong halos hindi ko nakikitang gising. kahit coffee dates, ang hirap isingit, kasi on-call nga kami. e & i were like strangers passing in the night, barely talking, both exhausted. twice lang ako naka-apak sa mall, pareho pang mabilisan yun. isang beses lang ako nakanood ng sine, at tinulugan pa ko ng kasama kong pagod din.

iniisip ko kung kelan ako nagkaron ng oras para sa sarili ko nung 2 months na yun...

wala. as in, wala.

probably yung downtime, pwede ko ma-count as me-time... pero hindi rin. kasi downtime meant that i was still physically at some place filled with activity and/or related to work, nagkataon lang na may pause sa trabaho. di ba hindi counted yun? (gaya ng ngayon?)

so heto, tapos na ang eleksyon. panalo halos lahat ng sinuportahan ko, pwera sa isang nakabinbin pa hanggang ngayon. hinihintay nalang ang proclamation ng An Waray (yes, thank you!!!). sayang yung kay kit, and kay kris, ang saya sana nun kung magkikita kami sa plenary pag may session... pero sige lang. tuloy lang ang laban.

for some, rest na sila sa trabaho. yung iba, balik homebase na. kami, hindi pa. tuloy pa rin. walang tigil 'to until maseguro ang lahat-lahat... but that can never happen until the 15th Congress opens its first regular session on the third monday of July, just before the new President (sana naman proclaimed na sya nun) delivers his first SONA.

until then, eto, nabubuhay. lumalaban. nasasaktan. naguguluhan. pero tuloy-tuloy lang... no choice e.

pasensya na sa lahat ng inarte, sa lahat ng gripes, sa lahat ng hindi ko nabigyan ng pansin, sa lahat ng mga nangyari that i couldn't be part of. hindi ibig sabihin you are less important than others. because otherwise, i would be less important to myself. buti nalang baby pa si rauf, hindi pa sya nagtatanong kung bakit wala ako sa tabi nya pag naglalaro sya...

to those who understood, or are now trying to understand, salamat. gagawa at gagawa ako ng paraan mag-reach out sa inyo when the right time comes. sana hindi pa huli when that happens.

until then.

kakayanin ko 'to. even if i'm all alone, i just need to stay alive. and rock. and roll.

BENCHMARKed

Benchmark Online March 2010
Judiciary Lawyers Finish JICA-Led Judicial Training for Young Leaders in Tokyo By Atty. Richard O. Pascual Six lawyers from the Judiciary recently completed the Training Program for Young Leaders-Legal and Judicial System Development Program for 2009 sponsored by the Japan International Cooperation Agency (JICA) in Tokyo, Japan. Seen as potential young leaders, Atty. Marie Grace Mappala (Office of Chief Justice Reynato S. Puno), Atty. Evangeline Co (Office of Justice Arturo D. Brion), Atty. Rodel Hernandez (Philippine Judicial Academy), Atty. Richard Pascual (Judicial and Bar Council), Atty. Melody Chan (Court of Appeals), and Atty. Alfred Manzano (RTC Nueva Vizcaya) were among the 16 Filipino lawyers who took the specialized legal training there. For 18 days, the lawyers also studied the development and framework of the Japanese Legal System. The other lawyers who participated in the Program are Atty. Jeanie Rose Bacong (Senate); Atty. Ralph Michael Cataquiz (Quezon City Prosecutors Office); Atty. Rosalie Cumla (Office of the Chief State Counsel); Atty. Apryll Dumas (House of Representatives); Atty. Fretti Ganchoon (Office of the Chief State Counsel); Atty. Xerxes Garcia (Department of Justice-National Prosecution Office; Atty. Sharon Millan-Decano (Office of the Solicitor General); Atty. Charina Ramos (Bataan District Public Attorneys Office); Atty. Sharon Rose Saracin-Galgo (Tagum City Office of the City Prosecutor); and, Atty. Reginald Tongol (House of Representatives). The Filipino lawyer-delegates engaged in knowledge- sharing workshops and lively discussions with their Japanese lecturers and legal counterparts. They discussed the salient similarities and differences between the two countries’ legal systems. They likewise engaged in the joie de vivre of Tokyo living and imbibed the richness of Japanese culture. The participating Filipino lawyers, taking on the opportunity and the challenge to represent the Philippine legal community in Japan, visited several government offices including the Supreme Court of Japan, the Ministry of Justice, the Research and Training Institute, the Arbitration and Mediation Center of the Daini Tokyo Bar Association, the Japan Federation of Bar Associations, the Tokyo Office of Japan Legal Support, Waseda University, Waseda University Legal Clinic, and the National Diet. They also presented, for the benefit of their Japanese legal counterparts, a report of the functions and responsibilities of their respective offices as well as a Program Report of lessons learned from the Japan experience. The Program is an enhancement of the Youth Invitation Program (formerly the ASEAN-Japan Friendship Programme for the 21st Century) which began in 1984 and for more than 20 years, had served as a significant venue for cultural exchange and the promotion of friendship and mutual trust between Japan and the ASEAN countries. http://sc.judiciary.gov.ph/publications/benchmark/2010/031015.php

6 months

it's been 6 months without Mom. 6 months and 2 days, to be exact. but if i count the days she was fighting for her life in the hospital, that's 6 months and 4 days.

i will always remember the last kiss i gave her on her cheek at around 230am of 17 october 2009. she woke me up for my flight to tacloban, because i was going to attend the AnWaray TAGAY event and a board meeting. she was feverish and not feeling well due to the events of the previous night, but when i asked her if she wanted me to just stay home, she told me to go ahead and just be home as scheduled on monday night. besides, she could rest since rauf was spending the weekend with his dad. i blessed her hand and told her i loved her, and she answered: "bye. take care. i love you." she always said that every time one of her children would leave the house. and i never imagined those would be the last words she would say to me.

an hour after we landed in tacloban, i got an urgent text from my sister, dwan, to call her and that mommy was unconscious in the hospital. i was shaking as i tried to get her or niccolo on the phone, but they weren't picking up. little did i know that they were already raising hell at the emergency room at that same time.

i am extremely grateful that east and my An Waray family were around while i was waiting in limbo at hotel alejandro. i got arlene and mich on the phone, and they rushed to the hospital without me having to ask. boss bem and boss neil assured me they would get us out of tacloban on the earliest possible flight, and senia moved heaven and earth to get us on the last flight out.

and then the call came. dwan and kaye were crying. mom had suffered from a ruptured brain aneurysm, and the damage was so big, operating would be futile. my mom was in a coma, just five to six hours after i had last talked to her alive.

arlene called with the reality check. she told me that the hemorrhage was so large, i had to prepare myself for the worst. (that's what best friends are for: to hold your hand and be a shoulder to cry on, but not to give you false hopes.)

i was numb. i wanted to cry but no tears came. i was sobbing and screaming, but there were no tears. i was shaking all over, but there were no tears. i was praying so hard that Mom would still wake up. my beautiful, makulit, noisy, talkative Mommy couldn't be in a coma. no way, jose... she would wake up. i was sure she would.

for the first time in the history of An Waray, we all stood up at the start of the meeting and offered up a prayer for Mom's recovery. i couldn't focus on anything, but since i was there anyway, i just sat there, tinkering with my cell, wishing for any news from manila. of course, no good news came. so much for wishful thinking. dwan was texting me about moving mom to a private room or the ICU. i told her she was in-charge until i'd get there.

on our flight back, east was holding my hand and just telling me to be strong. and to hold on to hope. we were praying for Mom, for me & my siblings... and still i didn't cry.

arlene, mich, spocky & drei fetched us from the airport, and they were all trying their damnedest to cheer me up on the drive to qc. i had some peppermint peckers left from mark & rollyn's singapore pasalubong, and we used that as props to cheer me up. imagine arlene and spocky sucking on peppermint peckers... you get my drift.

knowing the nkti like the back of my hand from previous hospitalizations of dwan, nikko & brikko, i half-ran to mommy's room as soon as we got to the driveway. the corridor was overflowing with family and friends, and their looks of sorrow and pity started to unravel the tears that refused to flow earlier. when i got to the door, i saw my mommy, unconscious and with lots of tubes attached to her thin, sexy body, and that is when i screamed and cried.

(i learned, later on, that my screams reached the end of the hallway. and that they had thought that Mom had passed on. yes, it was that loud, even considering that dwan was controlling herself so we wouldn't be tandem-crying...)

i will never forget how dwan, tita nyms and tita yeye were holding me with animal strength, and how strong i was fighting back... only because i wanted to hold mom and awaken her back to consciousness. the woman with the tube on her mouth wasn't my Mommy. it couldn't be.

when i had gathered my bearings, i was told that we would be moving Mom to the ICU. we walked with her... and never left her for more than a few hours.

because of the ICU visitor rules, my siblings and i took turns visiting her at the start. later on, the doctors and nurses allowed all of us to go together. i was firm: she has 7 children, all 7 of us have to visit her every time we can, while we still could.

those ICU visits kept us afloat, and made us stronger as siblings. we would pray, and then we would take turns talking to mom, telling her what was happening to us, promising her things that we would do, just so she would wake up.

after 24hours of that, we opted for the realistic approach. we would pray, then we would each tell her what we wanted to do with our lives, and that we were each sorry for (insert appropriate quarrel/fight with her) and that we would not do it again.

on what would be her children's last quiet visit to her, we all prayed and then thanked her individually for bringing us up as she did. we talked to her one by one, and whispered anything we wanted to say to her, without having to worry that the others would hear. i just promised her one thing: that i would take care of rauf and my brothers and sister. and that we would do her proud.

Mommy's leaving, just as visiting hours were about to end on the night of 19 October 2009, was perfect.

all her best friends were there, most of our family was there. and each of us her children, except for the youngest, had at least one friend around. she left with flair, flamboyance, and, yes, comedy. i'd like to think she had asked God to time it when we wouldn't be alone.

6 months hence, and yes, we have never been alone. we all have each other... me, with rauf, dwan, nikko, bullet, lian, brikko and seal, we're all doing okay. we miss her, we have moments of loneliness, we still try to do things as we know she would... but we're okay. i think we're more than coping.

6 months hence, and dwan is doing well at work. nikko and bullet are finally full-fledged members of UP Mountaineers. bullet is graduating from college on friday (yesssss, ma, finally!!!). lian is fixing his papers and going back to school. brikko did well this sem, except for one stupid subject which i hope he won't fail again. and seal is growing up, still fighting to be his own man in the midst of 4 big brothers. and he adores rauf. they all do.

as for rauf, on the dawn that he turned two, i was lulling him to sleep when he cocked his head towards a blank part of the wall, and said "mama" three times. then he gave three flying-kisses while saying "au revoir" i bet all the saints that Mommy couldn't resist not greeting her beloved apo on his birthday.

6 months without Mommy. we miss her every single day. but really, i think she would be proud of how we're living our lives now. so far, so good, Mommy.

so far, so good.

rolling

my life was rocking,
then it suddenly stood
still
the day the earth shook.

And then i rolled.
Round and round
and round.

I was removed from the rubble.
I have been saved from the mound.
I saw the light.

Unlike those continued to be
trapped beneath,
I am free.

But.

The dirt and grime and mud and filth
Have seeped inside my veins,
Yet to be cleansed
Yet to be washed away -

By time.
And space.

If i roll enough,
Will my life rock again?

blessings

Rauf growing up strong, healthy & smart.

Dwan being less of a bitch & more of a really responsible woman, and who cooked all of Mom's recipes for noche buena & media noche

Niccolo's driving skills, patience, care & concern and for being a person with a really good heart

Bullet's quiet strength & support

Brikko's reliability & self-initiative

Lian's calm coolness & his love for Rauf

Seal's independence & growing sense of responsibility

Arlene always being there for me, through hell & back, through big acceptance fees & thin wallets

Mich, Rollyn, Spocky, Nad, Malen, GNA, Yra, Dara, Mariel, Cristy, Hope, Jazz, Sandy, Mark, Gambit, Jen, Amie, Wryl, Abril, Lan, Rhea... For being the dependable, reliable, never-absent-friends anyone lucky enough like me could be blessed with

And great beginnings received on the 8th day of the first month of a new decade!

To God be the glory!!!