ramblings

after realizing that i haven't written anything the past 4 months, i had this sudden desire to blog. 

but i don't know what to write about. 

i can't write about work, because literally from where i am sitting now, practically everything i do has implications on the boss. gone are the days when i can exercise my right to free speech and expression without any self-imposed restrictions. every little word i utter or move i make is a reflection of the office i hold. i wish i could write in innuendos instead, but crafting the mystery would take much effort. i'm a simple, no-nonsense writer: i write what i think and how i feel. so lest i be misinterpreted, let's just leave it at that :)

so i can write about Rauf. how he's growing up so fast, and becoming smarter AND infinitely naughtier. i couldn't leave the house this morning, as he was demanding that i sit down and sing some songs with him on the magic mic. i had done my whole usual set and his current favorite (jingle bells) when he took my hand and told me that he wanted to take a nap - not alone, but beside me. but i had to go. sigh. the pains of solo working moms.

and i guess i can also write about the siblings. how proud i am of my sister, who is leaving in january for a short course in japan. and my brother who is preparing for his boards (finally!). and my other brother who is neck deep in finishing his thesis. and yet another brother who is making waves as a singer/songwriter. and the brother who so confidently lounges around the house, playing best friend to Rauf. and the youngest brother who i think is falling in love for the first time. yiheee.

and of course, i can write about the guy who has turned my world upside down. he can be such a dude most of the time, and thank God for the infinite patience that my job entails, the patience i also have to apply on our relationship is peanuts :) i ab-so-lute-ly cannot wait to spend time with him soon.

and something happened today that made me reassess my friendships. today i accepted the fact that in all my humanity, keeping and maintaining friends has taken a toll on me. that in fact, there's such a thing as too many friends. and corollary to that is the truth that when your path suddenly takes a different turn, not everyone whom you consider as friends will take that turn with you. and those who stay, well, they're the ones worthy of keeping. because they fight with you, beside you, whether for the right or the wrong reasons. they wait for you, they make time for you, they call you or message you in the weirdest of hours, knowing that you're also awake. that's why they're called friends. (you know who you are. teeheee.)

and then i can write about me. that, at the very core of my being, i am just simply going with the flow and refusing to be still for now. shining, soaring, waiting. and just having fun. 

everything, i believe, is just as it should be.

carpe diem. and merry christmas! :)

extra challenge

I blogged about this dream of mine before, but nothing came out of it. I didn't even get to do 10% of the groundwork. In retrospect, maybe it wasn't time yet.

But as Fate would have it, the itch to go after that elusive dream is now stronger than ever. And with the proper preparations, maybe it will all work out this time around.

I have always wanted, still want, and definitely will take a bite out of that apple. I hope it's ripe for my picking.

Now let the painstaking, heartbreaking, mind-wrenching preps begin.

I am ready.

growing up. letting go.

When I was a kid, I refused to let Mommy fuss over me. I was the not-so-perfect schoolgirl with the good grades, friends, lots of school activities & I had the (over?)confidence to boot. I was on 'solo flight'. I didn't want Mommy to be there all the time, stage mom that she was. (To the very end, may I say.)

Now that it's Rauf's turn, I find myself doing the same things Mom was doing. I prefer driving Rauf everywhere he goes. I'd rather wait in a coffee shop near his school while he's in class, making sure I'm the first one he sees when he gets out. I can only imagine the things I'd do when he goes on field trips, or starts to do things on his own... I know he'll be ok. But will I be ok?

I miss my Mom. I want to tell her so badly how sorry I am for 'driving her away' while I was growing up. After all, I was her first child. According to her, it was only with me that she was able to really focus on during my formative years. (Well, after that, the siblings just came & came & I was the one feeling neglected. Hehe.)

And it has come to pass that the vicious cycle of independence seems to be running thru Rauf's veins, strong & thick. I am relegated to the sidelines, waiting until he realizes that Mom is just around, watching over him like a hawk.

It's so hard to let go of my little boy, but I must. And I have.

He is growing up.

I am too :)

fair game no more

While I used to be the go-to girl for all matters of the heart & all questions on possible permutations of relationships (even across genders), I find myself sorely lacking foresight as of late.

Dear friends, I apologize. Apparently being in a happy, wonderful place has made me less sensitive to the games & hunts that swirl around me (and our haunts). I am only human. And a woman in love, thank you. (Ehem.)

I never thought the day would come when a coffee invite would just really be a good conversation over coffee. Or a nightcap wouldn't be interpreted as a booty call. Or an invite to hang out wouldn't be followed by a question (so who else is coming? Cute ba yan?).

While knowing every nuance of the game has given me wisdom, being oblivious to the sense & smell of the game has numbed my perception of what is & what could (or couldn't) be. It's like I'm wrapped in this bubble of comfort, I just fail to respond to the signs.

And by doing so, I just might have fed some poor unfortunate soul to the lion. Or confused the lion into thinking that the hunter was going for a different kill.

But I know you, dear friends. You don't need me to interpet every advance, every retreat, and every little kill of the game.

Play, be played, get caught, go for the kill.

Or run for cover & hide 'til kingdom come. (Just don't forget to come out & play, ok?)

I got myself willingly killed last year. And frankly, this 'death' has been the best one yet.

:)

friendster's best

testimonials. that's it :)

 

here are my bests. and yes, i post this now because i need to feed off the flattery. and i need to be reminded of who i am as others see me, how i have grown (or stayed stagnant), and what i can still do (or choose to do).

 

before friendster reformats, i have to save these for posterity. and thank you, friendster friends, from the bottom of my heart :)

 

- - - - -

 

This page is so not enough 2 describe this gurl Apryll. She's without inhibitions (2nog bold star!) when it comes friendships. I mean she's all-out all-the-way in making her friends feel special. Ay, pangit ang dating, ano? But really, Apryll is totally Miss Friendship. I admire her IQ and her guts 4 finishing law school and holding a job at Congress at the same time. Whew! She's something else di b? Well, wat cn I say? Siyempre, nagmana sa kanyang Mommy Di! Im sure you will go far, my dear. U got wat it takes! Gudluck, girl, n go 4 it! (Divine, 3 Aug 2005)

 

con mayda tauo ga maaram daco iton acon pagtagad - hi apryll dumas it usa hit pipira la nga aada ha acon huna-huna. macarit ini nga babaye - buotan, baltoc gan sigurado nga diri ca huhubya-on nga caupod. suerte gad udog it macacaasaua hine ha iya. con baga madiscarte gud ine hiya. diri la cita maaram national figure na ini hiya ha dira maiha nga panahon.ha pangatapusan, behold an exceptional woman! (Jude, 15 Feb 2005)

 

apryll dumas, esq: noun (plng-plng) ingenious, brilliant, the whole nine yards of dashing intellect action-packed with wit and excitement. plang and i go way back. and guess who i ended up bumping into with a pack of reds in college? (or weren't they menthols?) nevertheless, even though i haven't seen this lawyer-to-be in the longest time, i'm pretty sure she'll hook me up with marked down lawyer fees when i need counseling. ha! 'over my dead body,' i can hear her saying that now. ingat! (Ferdie, 21 Nov 2004)

 

What is there to say about Apryll? :-) She's an intelligent, idealistic, trusting, introspective, unpretentious, well read and open individual who's slightly...just slightly...a bit on the crazy side :-) (she won't admit to being obsessive-compulsive, but she is haha...don't worry, a little bit of insanity helps) she also likes to read between the lines, smoke menthol lights and drink A4 coffee....Deep down she's a sentimental romantic, am not sure if she realizes that...:-) I have absolutely no doubt that she will one day be an asset to the legal profession as a member of the bar/bench (specializing in family law no doubt hehe)....just remember, you promised you would be available for the executive secretary position when I get elected (or take over as) President :-) She has some issues (di ba? haha) but then again all of us have our own dark stories to tell...Good luck with your studies and career, as well as with your other personal endeavors...I'll be seeing you...! (Ronald, 2 Mar 2004)

 

"last yosi ko na to..." :-) hehehe.. she almost quit smoking dahil sa mahal ng yosi sa ilmenau! i met ate apryll sa iswi 03.. actually, my first meeting with her was during our cultural presentation - nagbihis sha sa hagdan nung tinituluyan naming house.. i guess that's just one proof of her pagiging cowboy! and for that, i admire her.. sobrang simple and jolly - despite her busy schedule and heavy workload.. she plays the guitar well also.. very thoughtful and caring.. ate apryll, good luck and god bless po! hope to see you soon! :-) (Paula, 1 Jan 2004)

 

Ano ba masasabi ko rito? Mahirap kasing sabihin. Too hard to express in words. This girl is more than a true friend, more than a sister. A loyal friend, someone who understands my quirks. Someone who is always there for me. She is also a partner in crime (hehehe). London ha, 7 years from now? Apryll, if I only have one friend left, I want it to be you. (Nad, 29 Oct 2003)

 

Nanay!!! My travelling partner, travel planner, photographer and number one bugaw. Convinced me to travel with her to places thousands of miles away from home without my even having met her. Travelling with you guys last summer was the best! Has a knack for chika...very organized...can carry a bag twice her weight (all over Europe). Maparaan sa pag- ibig...haaaay, all my mems with you are happy, happy, happy. 'Til the next time! And BTW, even if we never got to see the Code of Hammurabi, I know you'll make it. (Marielle, 14 Oct 2003)

for my little prince

You are growing up so fast, and it never ceases to amaze me.

The world we now live in is so different from when I was growing up. My greatest fear is that as you grow older, the world might grow uglier. And I know that no matter how much I will try to protect you, you will have to grow & learn things on your own, one step at a time.

This early, you are proving to me that you are one hell of a fighter. And you will do anything & everything to get what you want. I hope, though, that the fights you will take on someday will be based on truths & principles & rights, and not mere hubris. I hope, too, that the things that you want will not merely be things, but the pursuit of learning, the yearning to experience the world, the zest for life & having friends & keeping great company. And that, early on, you realize & value the truth that family and friends matter most above anything else.

My deepest regret is the fact that I rarely get to spend time with you. I hope you will understand that I have to work really hard, because there's really just the two of us for now. Value your titos & your tita: without them, I wouldn't have survived this past year & a half raising you without lola beebye. (At this point, I'm just really glad that you still don't know how to count the hours we only get to spend together. Or that you still don't know how to text me "come home, mom!")

But baby, I promise you that you will have a life infinitely better than mine. You will have more choices, more opportunities to grow, more adventures to discover... I just hope that when you are old enough to choose, I will not interfere & cram my preference down your throat. I hope you grow up to be the man you want to be.

(Oh, but you're only 3. What more can I write when you're 5? Or 10? Or 25? But then again, when that time comes, would you still worship me as you adore me now? I don't think so.)

I don't know how to end this, because you know how I can go on & on just talking to you. We're both talkative this way. And, yes, makulit this way.

For now, though, know that you are the one who makes me the happiest... You have given meaning to my life and I am blessed.

I love you, Rauf, my little prince. So so so much. Thank you for being my real, true-blue, constant sunshine.

calling out to the Universe

You have never made it easy for me. Never. It has always been a game: of choices, of opportunities, of quid pro quos.

But I have to give it to You. You have never left me wanting for anything, really, and I am thankful. Despite all the negatives & all the tests, here I am standing, still thriving, still holding on.

Sometimes, though, I wish You'd just make things a wee bit easier for me. Like don't make me choose. Or don't offer me something which will create an opportunity cost. Or just give me what I want on a silver (or make it platinum) platter. And I would be happy.

The funny thing is, I don't even know if I would realize a simple sign from You when I get one. You who have always teased me, confused me, toyed with the complexities my wary, critical, skeptical mind will always consider. But I have never questioned You as much as I have now... Only because I feel myself getting tired. It's a neverending game of survival. I have proved myself to You over & over. Still, the tests come. Harder, more difficult, more complicated.

I am but human. The possibilities are endless. But please, for once, I need the straight, direct, simple sign.

Give it to me. I ask You to give it to me.

If all else fails, I will know that there's still something else out there for me.

Someday. Somewhere. And make it soon.

I have Faith. I believe.

double double

I will be flying again in a few weeks. Barring realities of earthquakes, aftershocks & imminent meltdowns, this journey will spell out the future for me. (I think.Rather, I hope.) After all, how long does one person (in this case, me) really have to decide on the things that matter?

The reality is this: my heart lives in two worlds.

The question is: will it ever become one?

Your guess is as good as mine.

of crabs

They claw at you. Crawl. Creep. And snap.

Oh how they snap.

The thing is, I have never been a crab. And I hope I never become a crab.

I work, I live, I have mouths to feed. I love, I feel, I choose. I do what I must, when I must, because there is no other way but this.

I am me.

Leave me alone.

heart. courage.

'heart don't fail me now.
courage don't desert me.
don't hold back now that we're here...'
-journey to the past, anastasia

my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere.

i cannot stop, because if i do, i might just go with the flow and stay comfortably ensconced in this zone...

the fire is red. the mood is golden. this girl is ablaze.

i will rage while the light is alive.

striving to strike a balance

now that i think about it, 2010 just simply takes my breath away... the opportunities, challenges, and chances that i took advantage of, overcame and took are testament to the fact that the Universe, simply, was somehow making it up to me after the really sh*tty 2009 that i had.

and wow, how the Universe made it up to me. 

i got to do the things i missed the most about work, the real reasons why i joined Congress in the first place.  i did my job the best way i knew how, and i also realized how much i had grown into what i do.  the years of learning while 'statically ensconced' in and around Congress worked to my advantage.  i had a few hits-and-misses, but they were forgiven. (i hope.)  the year was full of shining moments for the boss and our team, and i am in awe of what we did, and can still do.

i have really itchy toes, and the year allowed me to travel in the best way i've always done it: almost for "free."  i went to tokyo on a scholarship.  i bought my ticket to the US from the back allowances i got after being "promoted."  i flew to bangkok on a promo ticket.  in retrospect, it was a really amazing period of flight for me, in every sense of the word.

while my stupidity tends to be magnified by my (historically bad) choice of 'men', i'd like to believe i redeemed myself this year by finally finding someone who knows me on all points, and accepts me fully, totally, unequivocally for who i am, what i have, and what i do.  granted, we're doing this long distance, and it just really sucks.  but this is where the Fates & i have our last hearty laugh for 2010: had they thrown a 'normal' relationship my way, it wouldn't have survived the really bad hours at work.  so yes, thank you, Universe. you did me a favor this time. it's not perfect, but this is more than what i expected.  i am happy and at peace.

but 2010 wasn't all about smiles and victories.  i lost pearl in the same way i lost mom. i barely had time to play with rauf.  i had a few run-ins with friends and got out of touch with some of them.  the ties within our family continue to be tattered, and considering the latest sightings, i have no idea how or when the broken fences are going to be fixed.  but i have hope. blood runs through strong and thick, like a river that flows.  or whatever.  Mom has a way of doing things, and i'll just wait for her to show the way.

in the natural order of things, someone else would actually be scared at how good the past year turned out, and therefore expect something to go wrong this year. or even anticipate the worst things to happen.  but i've been through the worst.  and i know that things are just gonna get waaaaay better.

so while i embrace 2011 as yet another amazing opportunity to shine and take over the world, or at least the part of the world that's mine now and could still be mine, i will strive to strike a balance this year.

while i continue my attempts at being the best person i can be, i will be a better mother.  (and maybe, a stricter sister. haha.)

while i continue to love the work that i do, i will not be afraid to discover other opportunities and rock my (professional) boat.  this, after all, is only a job.  if i have to start over, i will try not to be too scared... and defy gravity in the process.

while i bask in the contentment and excitement of where i am now, i have to start building my future.  mine, rauf's, and another's closely connected to mine.  it's time.

while mediocrity has never been my thing, the key word to avoid this year is complacency.  i am done with just riding the waves and surviving.  i will create my own tsunamis.  plural. and thrive.

anything and everything is possible this 2011 and the decade ahead. and i - with the Universe - will make it happen.

i believe.

for you

a lot of people don't know that you & i have been a work-in-progress for such a long time.  call it Fate, or stupidity, or the Universe actually conspiring to confuse us, but yes, in a few months, this little chemistry that we have will be celebrating its 10th anniversary.  not that we've actually shared those 10 years together, but it's a good perspective, don't you think? *wink*

you've been telling me not to look back on all those 'wasted' years, and just to look ahead.  but here's the thing... my romantic side (yes, i have one. haha.) sincerely, honestly believes that this is just how things are meant to be between us: a slow fire that burned throughout those years, with the wood catching fire sporadically and teasingly every single time we would meet, with some embers left until they eventually fizzled out...  and then the flames would roar again.

this time, the flame just keeps on burning.  it's a comfortable kind of fire, warm and toasty and just right.

so let's keep that fire burning... slow, sure, steady.

2011 is going to be good. i can feel it.