dawn

Waking up early today with rauf beaming his large, bedimpled smile was the best affirmation of who i am and what i have done in my so-called life so far: i am a mother. A woman. A fighter. And i am all of these to make sure that Rauf has a better life than me. Nothing less, nothing else, nothing more.

The dawn looks bright, the horizon clearer than before. I am at peace... with myself, with what i have done, with what i am still supposed to do. Contrite hearts, if clean, are forgiven by the Heavens.

This is the way things are meant to be, and this is how they should be kept.

May all who read this experience a breaking dawn as mine.

Carpe diem for the 365 days of 2010!!!

2009

Everyone around me knows it was my worst year EVER.

But behind every dark cloud is a silver, glittery lining... So to bid 2009 adieu and properly welcome 2010 with a more-than-bearable lightness of being, let me list the best blessings i received for the year:

Rauf growing up, celebrating his 1st birthday with a bang & being hospital-free for 6 months now!

Really good, bestest-among-the-best friends, new great finds included, who had my back through hell and sorta-back-to-earth... You know who you are.

Performing more than satisfactory work, and proper acknowledgments being made for them.

Strong support groups: great friends, supportive co-workers, inspiring family! I draw strength from all of you. Thank you.

TNC, my college girls & the trade group/msacc people/congress berks, for the stress-relieving, stupor-filled nights of merriment, song and great conversations!

My siblings who, together with me, continue to grow stronger, more principled, more alive. Beebye's 7 fighters are doing great, and we're only just beginning!!!

Mom finding eternal peace in God's loving embrace.

fullness

meeting up with old friends last seen more than a month ago: check.
lunch with the girlfriends & e at our favorite burger joint: check.
bargain window shopping: check.
A quick trip to smell fresh semi-provincial air: check.
family gatherings: check.
a picnic, the car show & bumping into old friends: check.
making it to the converse sale at megamall & finding a good buy for the youngest bro: check.

and rauf's excitement at running around a grassy field surrounded by fully-restored vintage cars: check. check. check.

now this is life!

- - -

PS. we also visited Mom in loyola. i don't know why i forgot to write it down. i think Mom knows why... pero CHECK, Ma, DAKO-DAKOAN NA CHECK!!! :)

survivors

Legally, we are. Heirs & survivors of the estate of our late mother. but what estate? The person in control of the conjugal partnership will probably just say that there are no conjugal assets to account for, liquidate and distribute. We can go on and on, deluding ourselves that settling the estate & getting a piece of what Mom was legally entitled to would be the just, fair & equitable route for all heirs, but if it would mean drawing more blood, then we'd rather just live in peace and quiet.

plain and simple, my mother's only assets were us, her children. And her vivacious personality, artistic sense, the way she nurtured friendships, her joie de vivre... the other 'assets': the loud screaming shrilly voice, her REALLY itchy toes, her cloying attachment to her kids, are also part of what's left.

Over and above property and succession and family matters, we, all seven of us, are survivors in the truest sense of the word.

Because we continue to hold dear the principles and choices we have embraced.
Because of and for Mom.
Because we need to live if only to convince ourselves of what really is good, and just, and fair.
Because we are thinking, feeling, rational human beings.

the 7 fighter-survivors.
Fighting. Surviving.
Together.

light

i barely made it to the countdown of UP's Pailaw 2009 last night.

Traffic was horrible inside campus, i couldn't find parking at the college of music and ended up grabbing the last spot at the darkest area of the masscomm parking lot, and i had decided to dally at the last minute because i found out that rauf & the people at home hadn't left the house yet.

I was walking towards quezon hall, reminiscing how Mom would have been egging us all to attend the event together, and i knew that under ordinary circumstances, i would have said no. work in congress ends at 7pm, and she knows i rarely go on undertime because i am often late for work. True to form, she would just tell me, "Rauf is growing up. You have to prioritize." and if she were alive, i'm sure that despite my saying no, she would have brought rauf & whoever else wanted to go with her to UP and still watch the event. So when niccolo had texted earlier about the schedule of the Pailaw and that "there will be fireworks after. Bring rauf." i knew we had to go.

I was talking to my sister on her phone, scolding her for leaving the house late, when the countdown started. I didn't put the phone down because i knew i couldn't handle it alone. The event was sooooo Mommy.

"8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!"

And the lights were on. PASKO 2009 without Mommy around. The first of many christmases without the light of our home...

"Laksi na kamo, adi na, nagsuga na. May program pa. UP orchestra, playing christmas carols. Fast." (Rush over here, the lights are on already! But there's a program ongoing. UP Orchestra is playing christmas carols.)

For the life of me, i can't remember what carol the orchestra was playing when i felt tears roll down my cheeks. i was on emo mode & i didn't care if the people around me were looking at me in a funny way.

I miss her. We all miss her. And i guess missing her will just be a fact we will have to learn to live with.

Dwan texted that Rauf was enjoying the walk on university avenue, so i knew they were near. I hastily composed myself and walked towards their direction.

And when i saw Rauf i realized, i am the light now. His light. And my siblings and i, we are each other's light. Mom made sure of that.

As we sang christmas carols with the sidlings and enjoyed the company of the people around us, i offered up a quick prayer to God for Mom. "tell her we're okay. We'll be okay. Grant her eternal rest. She raised tough cookies, and we will survive."

to Mom i whispered, "it's Christmas. You were always big on christmas. I'll make sure Rauf enjoys his first pasko without you, as you would have wanted."

And the fireworks started. Rauf looked at the explosions with a mixture of awe, wonder & bewilderment.

I will be the light, Mom. I won't let you down.