rush

it was a hibernation of 9 years. 9 years of semi-quiet.

was. because the semi-quiet semi-peaceful semi-charmed life that i had is gone.  for now.

i have been pulled out of my comfort zone and XX weeks hence, i am so tired.  i never even saw a grain of sand the whole summer. exhausted does not even cover it, but yes, i am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.  still, i am happy where i am.  this is it for me.

i feel that i am out of practice, out of sync, kinda out of whack, but yes, i'm still very much in it...  it's the rush of doing something important, something that matters that makes me believe that this is all somehow just worth it.  it's the hope that the little things you do could make a difference in other people's lives.  it's the small rush that jolts you to action, when you know that the work you do is appreciated and, more importantly, needed.

i missed this.  seriously, honestly, absolutely missed this.

and i am so glad to be back. 

so hello there philippines.  rauf, babe, cross your fingers that mom does this better the second time around. 

and as an equally-exhausted, trying-to-be-witty and not-so-old man said to me an hour ago: "tomorrow this will all  be over. tomorrow and the next six years." and i replied, "six for you, three for me. let's see what happens."

yeah.

solitude

in the middle of the hustle and bustle of technohub on a holiday, i decided to park myself on one of the tables at my favorite hub hangout and just enjoy some quiet time after a meeting.

me, myself, & i... with this borrowed laptop, which has become my crutch since storm crashed last week.

i haven't done this in a while... to just be alone, and surf, and think, and just fade into the blur of other people's glances as they pass me by and go on with their own lives.

the past months have been a flurry of activities, work and responsibilities. in the aftermath of mom's death, i lost a part of myself.  after pearl died, i was just about to really lose it.  when i lost my best friend, my heart broke into pieces.  and yet here i am, still living, still breathing.

i know i am not the person who i used to be, and i don't know if i can ever be that person again... i don't even know if the strength that has made me go this far is doing me any good.  but i have no choice... i cannot just stop and grieve and let go of myself because i know a lot of people are depending on me, especially my son who deserves to grow up and live and thrive without having to worry about me.

i am surrounded by people yet i feel so all alone... and sometimes, just sometimes, the loneliness just eats me up alive.

but i cannot give in to sadness. because i am rauf's mom. and my brothers' and sister's ate. and the yayas' "ma'am". and a subordinate to a workaholic boss.  and still, a friend to those who have chosen to stay friends with me.

i know i will see sunshine someday.  there is a reason for all of this, and the most important thing is to keep myself together and just be...

alone. not really. but yes, i am alone...

...living, breathing, fighting to live day by day.