light

i barely made it to the countdown of UP's Pailaw 2009 last night.

Traffic was horrible inside campus, i couldn't find parking at the college of music and ended up grabbing the last spot at the darkest area of the masscomm parking lot, and i had decided to dally at the last minute because i found out that rauf & the people at home hadn't left the house yet.

I was walking towards quezon hall, reminiscing how Mom would have been egging us all to attend the event together, and i knew that under ordinary circumstances, i would have said no. work in congress ends at 7pm, and she knows i rarely go on undertime because i am often late for work. True to form, she would just tell me, "Rauf is growing up. You have to prioritize." and if she were alive, i'm sure that despite my saying no, she would have brought rauf & whoever else wanted to go with her to UP and still watch the event. So when niccolo had texted earlier about the schedule of the Pailaw and that "there will be fireworks after. Bring rauf." i knew we had to go.

I was talking to my sister on her phone, scolding her for leaving the house late, when the countdown started. I didn't put the phone down because i knew i couldn't handle it alone. The event was sooooo Mommy.

"8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!!!"

And the lights were on. PASKO 2009 without Mommy around. The first of many christmases without the light of our home...

"Laksi na kamo, adi na, nagsuga na. May program pa. UP orchestra, playing christmas carols. Fast." (Rush over here, the lights are on already! But there's a program ongoing. UP Orchestra is playing christmas carols.)

For the life of me, i can't remember what carol the orchestra was playing when i felt tears roll down my cheeks. i was on emo mode & i didn't care if the people around me were looking at me in a funny way.

I miss her. We all miss her. And i guess missing her will just be a fact we will have to learn to live with.

Dwan texted that Rauf was enjoying the walk on university avenue, so i knew they were near. I hastily composed myself and walked towards their direction.

And when i saw Rauf i realized, i am the light now. His light. And my siblings and i, we are each other's light. Mom made sure of that.

As we sang christmas carols with the sidlings and enjoyed the company of the people around us, i offered up a quick prayer to God for Mom. "tell her we're okay. We'll be okay. Grant her eternal rest. She raised tough cookies, and we will survive."

to Mom i whispered, "it's Christmas. You were always big on christmas. I'll make sure Rauf enjoys his first pasko without you, as you would have wanted."

And the fireworks started. Rauf looked at the explosions with a mixture of awe, wonder & bewilderment.

I will be the light, Mom. I won't let you down.