the nanny diary #1

when i gave birth to rauf, i didn't have a nanny. Yes, my mom was there, ready to help & take over when i got too tired, but basically, it was just me & rauf. Rauf & i... For two whole months. Then i had to go back to work.

Karen was a good first yaya (nanny, in Filipino). Very eager, on the pretty side, dependable (only because i knew my mom would never leave them). unfortunately, it turned out she was also pregnant, and had only taken on the job because she had to leave the province pronto, else she earn the ire of her parents. The duplicity was shocking, and i couldn't allow her to give birth under my watch & my roof. I let her go.

At around the same time karen arrived, ate delia was recommended by my aunt, who was very concerned i might not be able to concentrate at work if rauf had no yaya & my mom had no helper.

the original dynamics actually went like this: i would go to work. Mom would take care of rauf because she didn't trust anyone else. Karen would step in to let my mom eat or rest, but only when rauf was sleeping himself. Ate Delia was the cook & all-around helper. I would take over caring for Rauf when i arrived from work until the following morning when i'd have to leave again.

When Karen had to leave, Rauf was old enough to be handled by a yaya already. So at 6months old, mom endorsed the care of Rauf to yaya Delia. Save for the 3 weeks in june when yaya D went awol, they've been together since. (yes, i take over as soon as i get home.)

I know i wouldn't survive without my mom & yaya D. i'd be lost & grasping at straws without them. It's a difficult thing when you have a career and still want to be the best mother you can possibly be. You have to swallow your pride & oc-oc-ness and accept the fair level of help needed, with the exercise of maximum tolerance. But all this you can only do when you know, deep down, that the yaya really cares about the well-being of your child, sans the threats of lawsuits. (haha. I really can't help that)

So why am i writing about this now? Because the yaya who loves rauf has been having family troubles since june. And she went awol last june, as previously mentioned. And 2 weeks after coming back in mid-july, she went home for 3 days, 2 nights. And now, she again went home. This is her third night away.

I can't take it anymore. But she loves rauf & takes care of my son very well. i want her out of my employ, but i'm thinking 'sayang' because she's really a good yaya.

i don't know what to do.