alone

i am squeezing strength out of solitude.

when all you hear is noise and cries for help, add to that insinuations of selfishness and apathy, all you want to do is curl up and shut everything out. 

except that i am a single mom, and an eldest child, and a working professional, and the other half of a new relationship.  just thinking about it makes me balk.

e has been a God-send during these turbulent times, and i seek strength in his presence as much as i can.  but i do not want to burden him with my own sh*t, considering he has much of his own to deal with.  what we can do together, we will.  but i don't expect him to carry my load.  such is not the way i handle my life. (and he doesn't get that part of me yet.)

my little boy is coping.  being awakened at dawn by unidentified, loud sounds can wreak havoc on anyone's psyche.  if it bothers us, i'm pretty sure it affects him a lot too.  if only i could remove him from the situation, i would.  but where would we go?

the siblings are great.  i even think they're handling things better than me.  i hope they realize that i am taking this stand because of my position in the family and because i need to protect myself too.  one wrong move could adversely affect any of my chances for a good future, considering how persons in illucid intervals can do evil things sans concern for the other party (in this case, me.).

how can i take the blame for something which was not my doing?  how can i be accused of apathy when i have done what i can to change the course of things, only to remain unheard and unnoticed?

this is not my battle to fight.  but i will protect whoever and whatever i can.  up to my last breath, up to the bare frays of whatever cords hold us.

i tread this particular path alone... with e, with friends, with family, but still alone.

because this role is mine and mine alone to play.  and i hope i'm playing it right.

or else i bear the risk of losing not just myself, but my very foundation for being.